truly useless life hacks: jason’s really super useful guide for how to make toast!

In honour of Airbag sending out a web-wide bitch-slapping to the truly dubious life hacks that are becoming more and more prevalent, may I present…

Jason’s Really Super Useful Guide for How to Make Toast!

  1. Get a slice of bread. (Once you are comfortable with this procedure, you can work your way up to two slices. However, if you find yourself required to make three pieces of toast or more, a permit from your local municipality may be required.)
  2. The bread must be sliced. A loaf of bread does not toast well. It is actually unlikely to fit in the toaster. Do not even try this with a hamster. (While a hamster is likely to fit in the toaster, jam does not spread well on toasted hamsters.)
  3. Put the slice of bread in the toaster. Be certain to have the slots of the toaster face the ceiling (or sky if you are toasting outside). Having the slots face the wall could lead to crumbs on your nice new wallpaper. And having the slots face the counter could lead to toast-shaped indentations in the counter, depending on the strength of your toaster. (However, in theory you could modify your counter by slicing toast-shaped holes in the top of it, allowing a slot-side down implementation of the toaster. If you attempt this modification, please let me know how it turns out!)
  4. Press down on the lever on the side of the toaster until it clicks. If it does not click, press it further. If it still does not click, stop immediately and go to your local YMCA or fitness centre. You are too weak and need the services of a personal trainer. Do not even attempt to make toast again until you are stronger. (Wimp.)
  5. Step away from the toaster. It will not work while you look at it. Don’t even try. I said, step away. The toaster can sense your presence. The one thing you do not want is a pissed-off toaster. They’ll get you while you sleep. (Don’t ask me how I know. I just know.)
  6. Assemble your further ingredients. You will require: (1) a plate to place the toast on, (2) a knife to spread the condiments on the toast, (3) condiments (e.g. butter, jam, peanut butter, liquid paper, honey, etc.), and (4) a first-aid kit to stop the bleeding caused by the knife.
  7. If the toaster has not ejected the toast, take a very quick glance and then look away. What did you see? If you saw smoke, the toaster knew you were looking at it earlier and is now burning your toast in a burst of vengeful rage. It is your fault. I told you not to look at it earlier. If it is not smoking, continue to look away. I also recommend whistling. It makes you look innocent and will put the toaster at ease.
  8. When you hear a popping sound, you are then permitted to turn around. The top of your previously untoasted bread should now be visible at the top of the toaster slot. Remove the toast quickly and reverently and place it on the plate.
  9. Thank the toaster.
  10. Take your knife and spread your choice of condiment on the toast. (Remember — if you live north of the Equator, you must spread your condiment on the toast in a clockwise circle. Vice versa if you live south of the Equator.)
  11. Open your first-aid kit and retrieve a bandage. Place it over the wound on your finger. The bleeding should stop shortly.
  12. Enjoy your freshly-made toast!

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