In this site’s ongoing efforts to ease the conflict betwixt humans and zombies (or Homo sapiens and Homo decomposians), on this fine Zombie Tuesday we wish to open the lines of communication. Through the ages, it has been this lack of understanding, more than brain eating and irritating shambling, that has led to strained relations between our two camps.
So, after a prolonged period of research — which came at the tragic loss of four graduate students and the lead investigator’s Hyundai Sonata — we feel confident in presenting the initial results of the first Human-to-Zombie Dictionary.
Now, rather than bore you all with a stultifying list of nouns and verbs, we will instead offer…
Common Phrases Translated from Human to Zombie
“Hello.”
“UUUUUUUHHHHHHH….”
“How are you today?”
“GLUUUUUUUUUUUU… BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS…”
“Would you please pass the margarine?”
“… BRRRRRRRUUUUUUHHHH…”
“Can you direct me to the nearest lavatory?”
[a harsh fricative followed by a distinct spray of blood]
“Have you seen the new Alfred Molina movie?”
“BRAINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…”
“Can you recommend a reasonable general contractor?”
“BBBUUUUUH… BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS…”
“You can’t be her mother — you look like sisters.”
“BRAAAAINNNSSSS… BRAAAAAINNNNNNSSSS… BRAAAAINNNSSSS…”
“I have no idea how that got in my trunk officer.”
“GGGGGAAAAAAAAA… BRAAAAAAAAINNNNNSSS…”
“Is that your duck?”
“Is that your duck?”
(Yes, the last one surprised the research team as well.)
