“Cawse, your mother woulda torn me a new asshole if I hadn’t talked to her first. But you’ll find after the first couple of extra assholes you get, the new ones don’t hurt near as much.”

- Somewhere on the Masthead

• Variety.com: “Muppets pull strings at ABC” (via Ain’t It Cool News)

The Muppets are plotting a return to primetime while looking for their next great character.

ABC has ordered a script and five script outlines for “America’s Next Muppet”, a reality TV parody in which viewers may actually get a chance to pick Kermit and Miss Piggy’s latest colleague.

ABC and Disney remain tight-lipped on the project, although word of the project first leaked last month to several Muppets fan Web sites. But it appears that the new Muppet project would borrow from shows like “American Idol” and “America’s Next Top Model” as judges (Kermit? Statler and Waldorf? Animal?) comb through several new characters to select a major Muppet.

This could be cheesy.

But I prefer to believe that it will be sweet jeebus cool.

That’s the kind of guy I am.

They did it again.

One GIF image. All of The Empire Strikes Back.

Still not worthy.

(via Boing Boing)

Last night, my dear sister politely requested that I send her the photographs that we snapped at her wedding.

So, I sat myself down last night in our den and did a cursory review of the photographs, searching for any that were unsuitable to send on to her.

What I saw… troubled me.

How did this indiviudal get in the door? A baseball cap? At a wedding ceremony? If I had noticed him at the time, I assure you he would have been ejected promptly and harshly.

I am aware that my Uncle Cameron was assigned to perform as an usher at the ceremony — I will definitely need to speak with him about the acceptable attire for a wedding. Perhaps he was not given explicit instructions on who should and should not be admitted and in what state. Whatever the reason for this oversight, it should not have occurred. I am embarrassed for our family.

Now this woman, while properly attired in an evening gown (we will refrain from discussing her regrettable fashion choices), was evidently performing a gross faux pas by crossing the dance floor during the father/daughter dance.

Did her parents merely fence her in a pasture and let her lose when she reached the age of majority or has she received massive cranial damage in the recent past? Whatever the reason, she should be ashamed of her actions.

(I am minorly mollified by the knowledge that she is not a member of our family. However, I will suggest to my sister and her new husband that they carefully reconsider their relationship with this individual.)

The most shocking thing about this photograph is not the two obvious zombies in the upper left of the scene.

It’s how much I look like a dork.

• McSweeney’s: “Giant Squid Takes Us Weekly to Task”

Last week was the breaking point for Giant Squid. There you were, like, “Oh, hey, Squid’s gonna be hanging out at the Dodgers game tonight with his new girlfriend, Neve Campbell. Let’s go provoke him, la la la!” And suddenly there are like three Us photographers in our section, not even pretending to watch baseball. I was this close to going 20,000 Leagues on those assholes, and, just to warn you, Giant Squid can never predict when Giant Squid’s gonna just flip out on some dude. I’m the great enigma of the deep and even I don’t know half of what I do. Giant Squid is shrouded in mystery, y’all.

I <3 Giant Squid.