• The Daily Record: “Lair of the Vampires” (via Sploid)

Scientists in Bulgaria say they have unearthed a 1700-year-old vampire graveyard. The skeletons found in Bourgas had nails driven through their bones to stop them rising from the dead.

Ooooookay…

• Random Chuck Norris Fact: Top Thirty Facts
• Random Vin Diesel Fact: Top Thirty Facts (via Metafilter)

A random sampling of CHUCK!:

• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
• After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
• There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

A random sampling of VIN!:

• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
• When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• Vin Diesel coined the phrase, “I could eat a Horse” after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
• When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
• Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.

And my favourite:

• Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Man, I died six times just reading their names.

UPDATED:

• Random Mr. T Fact: Top Thirty Mr. T Facts

A random sampling of Mr. T!:

• 23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
• Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors.
• Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.
• If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.
• Mr. T’s incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn’t have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T’s.
• Mr. T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Mr T loves you.

Well, I’ve completed enough for today. Time for bed.

• This Is North Scotland: “Woman Tells of Loft-Hatch Shock Over Intruder” (via Fark)

A Macduff woman described yesterday how she opened the loft hatch at her house and was confronted by her next-door neighbour, with whom she previously had a relationship.

…

She told the court that, at about 8pm on February 23, she went upstairs at her home and found dust marks on the landing carpet under the loft hatch.

She said: “I went down on my hands and knees and rubbed it, because I found it very peculiar.

“I heard a strange noise from the attic, which made me think something was wrong, and I went to my wardrobe for a stepladder and opened the hatch.

“I saw Donald, and he said: ‘I wasn’t here’ and flew out of it and down the stairs shouting and howling.”

Why am I picturing his court proceedings in the following vein:

PROSECUTION: On the night of the incident in question, did you make your way into Ms. Milne’s loft?

ACCUSED: Nuh-huh.

PROSECUTION: Pardon me?

ACCUSED: I know you are but what am I?

PROSECUTION: Wha-?

ACCUSED: LALALALA!!! I’m not listening!

PROSECUTION: Your honour, I object.

JUDGE: Mr. Donald, do I have to remind you that this is a court of law?

ACCUSED: (Dummy says “what”.)

JUDGE: What?

ACCUSED: Heh. You’re a dummy. No returnsees.

JUDGE: Mr. Donald, I find you in contempt. Baliff, please issue two noogies and an atomic wedgie to the witness. Court is now in recess. I get firsties on the swingset.

• Pillsbury: Dancing Doughboy (via Screenhead)

Dance, Doughboy! DANCE!

MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Pause.)

Too much coffee?