I can’t honk. That’s rude… or so my wife says.
I can’t make faces. They might just assume I have Tourette’s… or am an idiot.
Shaking my fist looks so — I don’t know — so… “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!”.
What I need is a flashcard. Something quiet yet to-the-point.
Something like this:
That would be sweet.
Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government’s invasive abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.
This is why I always opt for a much more secure and reliable method of blocking governmental radio signals:
Gorilla Bodyguards.
Don’t see any radio waves getting through to me, do ya?
100% foolproof.
Ahhh… look. Aren’t they cute?
But wait!
Is that an alarm bell going off in your head?
There should be one!
Because those are…
Yes! Those are plush, cuddly, horribly adorable toys based on human excrement!
I don’t know whether to be horrified or covetous.
And of course, I’m totally jealous that someone else registered the domain name peeandpoo.com before I thought of it.
How do you top being a 175-year-old Galapagos tortoise adopted by Charles Darwin himself?
Harriet the Tortoise’s life shows that you can’t top such a lofty history. Since being taken from her island home in 1835, the old girl’s life has been one outrage after another.
First, she was taken to dreary, filthy London, where she endured the English and their awful food and weather. Then she was hauled back aboard a ship for a lonesome months-long journey back to the Pacific — but not back to her native paradise in the Galapagos.
Instead she was taken to the boondocks of … Australia.
After many years in Brisbane living with John Wickham, a member of Darwin’s famed Beagle crew, she moved to a Brisbane zoo after Wickham went to France. And then, in 1987, Harriet found her current home: a Queensland zoo run by television buffoon Steve “Crocodile Hunter” Irwin.
Today, Australia celebrates her 175th birthday.
Man. I hope I look that good when I’m 175.
My sister has posted about me. Specifically, about my post announcing the ten-year anniversary of my first date with my Lovely Wife.
Awww…
That’s nice.
So, will I rush right out to show this to my Lovely Wife?
Not on your life.
You see, the post begins with a full paragraph discussing my old girlfriends and how much my sister liked them.
Urgh… not so eager to show this to my Lovely Wife.
Useful Tip: When unsure if current spouses / partners / flings would be open to a discussion — or even a passing mention — of the other partner’s past relationships… the default is they don’t.
And like “crocodiles are slightly carnivorous” and “zombies bites are mildly infectious”, this is an area in which you should tread carefully in until you are damn-well sure they wanna hear about it.
Believe me. I know.
(And for the record, I may have used the word “psycho” in reference to a few of my old girlfriends, but that is primarily because that word is so much easier and so much more fun to say than “they treated me like crap and I don’t wanna talk about it excuse me while I go repress that memory a little further”.)
