I couldn’t find it anywhere.
I looked in my pants’ pockets. No luck.
I looked in my wallet. Nothing there but 481 ATM receipts.
I looked under the bed. Only dust bunnies and a sock. I put the sock on. I left the dust bunnies.
I looked in the closet in the spare bedroom. All I found were Christmas ornaments, a stand-up fan, and a leaf for the dining-room table. One of my feet started to get cold.
I asked my Lovely Wife if she had put it away. She said no. She told me to stop being stupid and put another sock on. And rolled her eyes.
I called my Sister Who Eats Poo. She didn’t know where it was. She said she had to go because she had a plate of poo cooling on the table.
I looked in the backyard. All I could see were chores that I hadn’t done. I switched the sock to my other foot. (Balance is important.)
I followed the cats around for a while, in case they had hid it somewhere. I saw the Small One eat some lint. I saw the Large One scratch the couch. (I discouraged this behaviour.) I saw them lie down on the bed together. They fell asleep. After watching them sleep for 2 hours, I deduced that perhaps this was not the most efficient use of my time.
I looked behind all of the doors. After four upstairs doors, I found something behind the downstairs bathroom door. Alas, it was just my other sock. I put it on.
I tried everything I could think of. But no matter where I looked or who I asked, it was always the same answer:
January 3rd’s Zombie Tuesday is just plain missing.