Lately, I’m feeling a little like this boot.
Sitting on the tracks as everything shoots past me.
Let me elaborate:
Sitting on the tracks — with no opposable thumbs… or legs… or any visible means of locomotion… or even a flicker of sentience… since I am just a freaking boot sitting on the tracks — as everything shoots past me.
Too much work, not enough time, and coffee has just stopped working.
Meh.
You know what doesn’t work like it does in cartoons?
Toothpicks propping your eyelids open.
That so totally hurts.
The number of people that I stun with my computer prowess grows daily.
Printers stop working, programs freezing, perplexing error messages in ancient Sumerian, jets of black flames spearing down from the heavens, lemurs chewing on the cables.
I fix them all.
People think I’m a freaking wizard. They love me long time.
And I can thank my number one piece of troubleshooting knowledge:
90% of all computer problems can be fixed by a restart.
Here’s what you do:
Presto! You’re done!
Then just sit back and bathe in the tithing of wine and goats.
And I don’t keep this wisdom to myself! Oh no! Every time, after the dragon has been slain — again — and after my supplicants bow down before me — again — I bestow them with this wisdom — again —
“REEEEEEEESTAAAAARRRT…”
And they never, ever remember.
However, the other 10% of the time is when things get dicey.
Thankfully, I do have a brain.
It’s called Google.
I was initially apprehensive when our cats became zombies, but it’s not really all that bad.
I mean, yes, we do have to buy a special brain-formula cat food from the vet, which is a little more expensive than regular cat food, but no more than the weight-reducing formula we were buying previously.
And yes, there are a few more blood stains to clean up around the house.
But, along with the mindless compulsion to eat brains, there has also been a definite reduction in the number of hairballs they’ve spit up recently.
Also, the coating of brains and viscera has made their coats really glossy and thick.
And the fact that they seem to be limited to a soul-deadening craving for feline brains is also a benefit. They’ve totally stopped begging for human food. Being able to eat chicken in peace is a real treat.
All in all, we’ve decided to look at this as a plus. It is a heck of a conversation piece at parties.
However, we are trying to be a bit more vigilant to ensure that they remain indoor cats. I don’t think our relations with our neighbours could handle that development.
And the meows are a little creepy…
