archive for October 2006

postscript to “i am minus all my buh-jeezus”

ME: I wrote that post.

MY LOVELY WIFE: Which one?

ME: You know — “It took you FIVE SECONDS TO GET HERE!”

[Pause]

MY LOVELY WIFE: I told you not to post that.

ME: Well… when I first mentioned it you said no… but later on, when I mentioned it, you said, “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

MY LOVELY WIFE: Ah. Now you’re using creative imaginary memory processes.

ME: “Creative imaginary memory processes”?

MY LOVELY WIFE: Yes, you heard me.

ME: Well… I can take it down if you want…

MY LOVELY WIFE: No, no. It’s up now. Just know, that someday, when you’re least expecting it, I will get you back.

ME: Really?

MY LOVELY WIFE: No. I’m just joking.

[Pause]

MY LOVELY WIFE: Or am I?

I love that woman.

i am minus all my buh-jeezus

In honour of the day — and in spite of the fact that everyone has already seen my incredibly stupendous halloween costume that no one understands — please allow me to share the scariest moment of my week so far.

And also the moment that underlines that even after 10 years, 11 months, and 356 days, My Lovely Wife, from time to time, can still confuse the buh-jeezus out of me.

For those not in the know, to get from the dining room to the stairway in our home, one must first leave the dining room and enter the kitchen. Then one must cross the kitchen, dodging hungry felines, and exit the kitchen, entering the hallway. Then one takes a sharp left turn, two steps, a sharp right turn all the way around the railing, and then one may finally head up the stairs.

Picture that journey in your mind.

Got it?

Good.

Let us begin our tale.

It’s 10:00 pm. We’re heading upstairs for the night. My Lovely Wife is heading for the stairs. I head to the dining room to shut off the thermostat, turning out lights as I go.

Suddenly, I hear a distant THUDSLAPCRACK!.

This is followed immediately by, “OWWWW!!!”

In a fraction of a second, I realise, “Holy shit. My Lovely Wife’s fallen on the stairs.”

I TEAR out of the dining room into the kitchen JUMP over one cat LEAP over a second SHOOT into the hallway my hands SLAP the wall I change direction WHOOSH down the hallway two steps and then I SLIIIIIIIIIDE on my socks miss my turn HIT the french door sharp turn all the way around and I’m FLYING UP THE STAIRS FOUR AT A TIME and I’m beside My Lovely Wife looking around taking in the scene prepping myself for bones piercing skin blood spatter vitreous fluids staining the hardwood ANYTHING I’m freaking out but I’M THERE FOR HER.

She’s sitting on the middle landing, with her back to me, holding her knee (which I later learn she banged on a step). She hears me arrive, whips her head around, PIERCES ME with her eyes, and says, “What took you so long?!”

I look at her, scared/stunned/flabbergasted/oxygen-deprived, and actually manage to say, “Buh?”

“It took you FIVE SECONDS TO GET HERE!”

hallosween

We’re about to head out the door to a Halloween party.

No. Wait. I do believe this can be classified as a par-tay.

QUIZ TIME!

Question 1: Can you guess who I’m going as?

my fantabulous halloween costume

Thus endeth the quiz.

UPDATE: For those of you oblivious to everything good and right in the world, enlightenment begins here.

sweetney gives a well-deserved beatdown to the internet

Sweetney, we got your back.

Stay strong. Stay tough. Kick their fucking ass.

meme-licious: 5 little known things about me

Wow. Been a while since I’ve done one of these. But, I felt the compulsion some upon me like the hand ‘o’ God… and I’m too lazy to come up with new crap to write. Sue me.

Five Little Known Things About Me

1. I have every single issue of the comic book Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo-Crew.

Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo-Crew

Read into that what you will.

2. I once resolved to break the world record for largest number of paper airplanes made. (Let’s ignore the fact that I didn’t actually know how many I needed to break the record. Comprehensive I was not at the age of 7.) I made it to 32 before the lure of Lego drew me away from the endeavour.

3. In university, a classmate once admitted to me that she had a crush on me… until she saw my bare feet. (My Lovely Wife feels her pain.)

4. My favourite show when I was 5 was The Bionic Woman. But I was always really scared that Jamie was going to get hurt, so I would force my Dad to change the channel to Charlie’s Angels… because I didn’t care what the hell happened to them. (Stupid non-bionic women.)

the bionic woman

And to this day, the original Fembots on The Bionic Women are the scariest things I’ve ever seen on TV*. (Which made the Fembots in Austin Powers more than a little troubling for me.)

* Tied with watching The Day After when it first came out. Ahhh… the deathly fear of nuclear annihilation… my old friend.

fembot!

5. I have no adenoids, tonsils, prehensile tail, third (or fourth) nipple, or a single cavity. But I have one appendix, so I have THAT to look forward to.

Spread the meme forward, my honey-slathered readers… spread it forward.