In honour of the day — and in spite of the fact that everyone has already seen my incredibly stupendous halloween costume that no one understands — please allow me to share the scariest moment of my week so far.
And also the moment that underlines that even after 10 years, 11 months, and 356 days, My Lovely Wife, from time to time, can still confuse the buh-jeezus out of me.
For those not in the know, to get from the dining room to the stairway in our home, one must first leave the dining room and enter the kitchen. Then one must cross the kitchen, dodging hungry felines, and exit the kitchen, entering the hallway. Then one takes a sharp left turn, two steps, a sharp right turn all the way around the railing, and then one may finally head up the stairs.
Picture that journey in your mind.
Let us begin our tale.
It’s 10:00 pm. We’re heading upstairs for the night. My Lovely Wife is heading for the stairs. I head to the dining room to shut off the thermostat, turning out lights as I go.
Suddenly, I hear a distant THUDSLAPCRACK!.
This is followed immediately by, “OWWWW!!!”
In a fraction of a second, I realise, “Holy shit. My Lovely Wife’s fallen on the stairs.”
I TEAR out of the dining room into the kitchen JUMP over one cat LEAP over a second SHOOT into the hallway my hands SLAP the wall I change direction WHOOSH down the hallway two steps and then I SLIIIIIIIIIDE on my socks miss my turn HIT the french door sharp turn all the way around and I’m FLYING UP THE STAIRS FOUR AT A TIME and I’m beside My Lovely Wife looking around taking in the scene prepping myself for bones piercing skin blood spatter vitreous fluids staining the hardwood ANYTHING I’m freaking out but I’M THERE FOR HER.
She’s sitting on the middle landing, with her back to me, holding her knee (which I later learn she banged on a step). She hears me arrive, whips her head around, PIERCES ME with her eyes, and says, “What took you so long?!”
I look at her, scared/stunned/flabbergasted/oxygen-deprived, and actually manage to say, “Buh?”
“It took you FIVE SECONDS TO GET HERE!”