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I HAVE TEN FINGERS!

onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleven-

[Pause]

Wait a minute.

[Furious recounting]

Sorry. I counted the granola bar I was eating.

Yup. Confirmed. Ten fingers.

…

Yes. This is what NaBloPoMo has come to.

We did say quantity. Not quality.

“Quality” in this case being a highly relative term.

…

This granola bar is really good.

• Totebo Online Game: “Monkey Kick Off Challenge”

I hate you, Birchsprite.

You introduced me to this abomination of a game.

I then went out and beat your best kick. Then you beat mine. Then I beat yours. Then my Dad beat mine. Then I beat his. Then my Sister Who Eats Poo failed miserably at beating mine. I stand atop the mangled bodies of my challengers.

And now I. CAN’T. STOP.

So please… I call upon you, my garland-festooned readers, to go forth and take a whack at beating my best kick (4477 meters, thank you very much).

Please… put me out of my misery.

Stupid Monkey Kick Off.

Stupid procrastination.

…

Stupid me.

Oh crickey, I forgot how funny this was…

…

I hope all of my American readers had a fabulous Thanksgiving yesterday and I hope you don’t have any digestive troubles today.

…

Although if you don’t have any digestive troubles today, you weren’t trying hard enough yesterday.

…

Amateurs.

Today is American Thanksgiving. Today is the day where all of our American friends will be busy cooking turkey, eating turkey, and digesting turkey. Today, they will be in the kitchens and livings rooms of America, dopey with tryptophan and pie. Today, they will be gathered in the welcoming arms of their families and loved ones, giving thanks and watching football.

This is our chance.

Today… WE GET TO PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS.

Seriously, they’ll never notice. All those toys they never give us a chance to play with, today… today they are ours for the taking!

Today is the day that you get to have at that Star Wars Death Star playset you’ve been dreaming of for years! Today is the day that you get to open all of those collectors’ edition Barbies — STILL IN MINT CONDITION IN THEIR UNOPENED PACKAGES — and have the mother of all dress-up parties! Today… WE GET ALL THE LEGO!

But it doesn’t end there! Oh no! Today is they day that we get to the front of the line on Space Mountain! Today we ALL get a ride on the Vomit Comet!

Today… we get to play Battleship… WITH REAL BATTLESHIPS!

So let’s get cracking, folks! The day won’t last forever.

And if anyone is looking for me, I’m starting off in D.C.

I’m getting Fonzie’s jacket out of the Smithsonian.

…

A NOTE TO ALL AMERICANS READING THIS:
Don’t worry. I’m kidding.

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A NOTE TO ALL NON-AMERICANS READING THIS:
I’m not kidding. I’ll see you in half an hour. Bring cookies.