I’ve eaten no cookies today and I feel like a bucket of crap.

EVERYBODY NOW!

[Singing]

I’ve eaten no cookies today and I feel like a bucket of crap,
I’ve eaten no cookies today and I feel like a bucket of crap,
I’ve eaten no cookies today and I feel like a bucket of craaa-aaap,

[Dramatic pause.]

I’ve eaten no cookies today CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!

Thank you. That helped.

Saturday afternoon. My Lovely Wife finishes a granola bar and looks at the wrapper.

My Lovely Wife: I’m still hungry. [Pause.] Do you think I have a tapeworm?

Me: Yes… a tapeworm called LOVE! [Smiles and spreads arms for a hug.]

My Lovely Wife: You’re weird. [Walks away.]

Today is the inaugural Reveal Your Blog Crush Day, inflicted upon us as decreed by the lovely Jenny, Sandra, and Ms. Sizzle.

What constitutes a blog crush, you ask?

• You can’t wait to read what they post next.
• You want to be friends with them.
• You think they are the cat’s meow. Meow!
• You might find them attractive — physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever floats your boat.
• If you met them in person, blushing might occur.

Well geez. What the hell is one person supposed to do? Tear open their soul for the world to read??

Obviously, yes.

According to the rules, one is allowed to pick more than blog crush (although posting your entire blog roll is frowned upon like the master of a Dickensian workhouse upon a plucky young orphan). In the spirit of the occasion, and because I seem to have been born without a decisive organ (but strangely enough I have a fully functioning cookie gland), I will proceed to list my TOP FIVE BLOG CRUSHES:

• Dooce: Dooce will probably win the inaugural Lifetime Blog Crush of the Century Award. She is the top mama of the blogging world. Funny as a bag of really amusing hammers, she also wins points for laying out her entire life — warts, rashes, and really odd poops included — for the world to see. For being the moving target that I could only hope to see on the distant horizon, she gets the first flower of crushitude.
• Sassyk: SassyK is my doppelgänger. She went to the same theatre school that I did (a couple of years after me). She also moved away to pursue a life as an actor (Toronto, for me, London for her). She also found the theatre life grinding her down and started to look at her life as having more than one option. And she also likes to verbally crush on her significant other (Hi, SassyK’s Beau!). For being the gender-swapping funhouse mirror to my life, SassyK gets the second flower of crushitude.
• Jenny: Although she doesn’t [wipes away tears of heartbreak] crush on the Canadians enough to pick one of us as her blog crush, Jenny is one big bucket ‘o’ fun. Whether it is whittling, paint-by-numbers, or the terrifying world of dioramas, Jenny is awesomely willing to try her hand at wickedly obscure hobbies that the majority of us would scamper away from briskly. And then she shares. (She’s good that way.) And she runs the oh-so-tempting TequilaCon (which if I win the lottery I’M SO GONNA BE THERE). To Jenny, who is like the wicked cool gal pal you want to introduce you to the mysterious world of Dutch Clog Dancing, I hand the third flower of crushitude.
• Sweetney: Sweetney is rock and roll. Pure and simple. To her I hand off the fourth flower of crushitude.
• Magazine Man: Yes, I have a man crush. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And why do I have a man crush on Mr. Man? One reason, stated well by charming and dashing Suldog — “Best Writer On The Internet”. So, to Magazine Man I hand off the fifth and final flower of crushitude

For those awarded here, feel free to shout it from the rooftops! Here’s a little help:

And… I’m spent.

…

Who are your blog crushes?

As I was warned by everyone’s favourite carcinogenic condiment, Radioactive Jam, today, December 14, is…

MONKEY DAY!

What does this mean for me, you ask?

[Pause.]

Um…

[More pausing.]

Errrr…

[Purely gratuitous pausing.]

… more cookies?

[Sound of one man listening for cries of dissent. No cries of dissent detected.]

Yes. More cookies it is.

So… here you go — monkey eating cookie.

• Associated Press: “World’s Tallest Man Saves China Dolphins” (via CBC News)

The long arms of the world’s tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins’ stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.

Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s tallest living man.

You know, it may not be the superpower I would have picked, but this is pretty freaking awesome.

Dolphins are invited to send cookies and really big shoes in appreciation.