noises that really suck: an example
I am at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned.
I had missed the past two appointments — one I cancelled, the next was cancelled by the dentist. And I am an unapologetic non-flosser. (Damned Mega-Global Floss Conglomerate.)
All this means one thing — pain is the order of the day.
The descaling progresses like a ground war in Asia. Nobody is winning this one. Small battles, retrograde actions by paramilitary forces, midnight ambushes, lightning strikes, heavy bombing, patrols missing for three days in the jungle, “Man, only have three more days then I am outta here back home to my girlfriend have I shown you her pictureOHMYGOD! I’VE BEEN SHOT! UNG! AGH! PLOP!”… and lots and lots of blood.
My mouth — like love — is a battlefield.
But finally, the hygienist says that that worst is over and she just needs to check that she has gotten everything. So she puts away the heavy artillery descaler — I hate you and you must die — and pulls out the pick, which at this point looks like a cuddly brown bear.
She takes a few jabbing passes through my mouth and then I hear her say, “Hmph. Just a sec.”
She slides out of my field of view.
I hear a drawer opening.
I hear rustling as she roots around for something.
There is a pause.
And then… I hear this noise:
SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHK.
[Pause.]
SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHK.
[Pause.]
SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHK.
This is not a noise I have heard in a dentist’s office before.
I turn my head around to the sight of my hygienist… SHARPENING HER DENTAL PICK.
I can’t help it. I start to laugh.
She sees me looking at her. She looks down at her hands, looks at me, and she starts to laugh.
WHILE STILL SHARPENING HER DENTAL PICK.
I will admit it.
This is when I begin laughing hysterically.
THROUGH THE BLOOD.
…
For those that are worried, I have no cavities. I never have cavities. My Lovely Wife hates that.
January 24th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Is it safe?
January 24th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
You lucky bastard.
My teeth have been my mortal enemies since childhood. I’ve successfully ridded my mouth of most of them, replacing them with friendly implants, but those that are left have not seen this as a warning to behave before they are asked to leave. Instead, they continue their never-ending quest to deny me my God-given right to painlessly chew caramels.
Cavities? I think I was born with them.
January 24th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Is it safe?
January 24th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Otto: Yes! It’s safe! It’s TOTALLY safe. Completely and utterly SAFE.
Suldog: My Lovely Wife feels and shares your pain.
Jason’s Dad: No! It’s NOT SAFE AT ALL! On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is safe and 10 is the least safe it could possibly be, this is an 11!
January 24th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Christian Szell: Is it safe?… Is it safe?
Babe: You’re talking to me?
Christian Szell: Is it safe?
Babe: Is what safe?
Christian Szell: Is it safe?
Babe: I don’t know what you mean. I can’t tell you something’s safe or not, unless I know specifically what you’re talking about.
Christian Szell: Is it safe?
Babe: Tell me what the “it” refers to.
Christian Szell: Is it safe?
Babe: Yes, it’s safe, it’s very safe, it’s so safe you wouldn’t believe it.
Christian Szell: Is it safe?
Babe: No. It’s not safe, it’s… very dangerous, be careful.
January 24th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Sween, you are friggin hysterical! And you are scaring me a bit. I know I have something terrible and horrific going on in one of my upper righters, back there somewhere. I’ve never had a cavity, and am worried this sucker is going to kill when I finally work up the nerve to get my sorry arse to the dentist.
January 24th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
My husband used to come home from evil cleanings and tell me he told them I hadn’t been flossing. I so hate flossing. He would get mad because I always came home with no cavities to report and I think in our whole time together he may have had ONE but he see’s this as an injustice since I don’t floss.
Now I have 6 fillings that need replacing from my wild and younger days when I did get cavities. I…am…so..afraid. The last time I had a drll come at me (as a teen) I did teh hysterical laughter thing. i couldn’t help it. Funny now that I think back…it sounded like the same hysterical laughter that escaped me just before I walked down the aisle….
January 25th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Otto: I really do try and block Marathon Man out of my head when I go to the dentist. Thusly, I will NOT let you know when my next appointment is coming up, thank you very much, Mr. Man.
brian: I went a number of years without going to the dentist until I realised that the regular pain of twice yearly appointments was WAAAAAAY less than the eventual appointment that follows a four year gap. That appointment had to literally be broken into two appointments to clean everything up. (My memory says, “Urk.”)
Alison: I used to have cavities. All in my baby teeth. For some reason, my adult teeth seem to be immune. The dentist says they are very strong. (Yay me!) It’s not quite a super power, but I’ll take what I can get.
January 25th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Is it a super power, or an *evil* super power? Cause when I hear others bemoaning their cavities, I’m very temped to say:
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
Because you see, I also don’t have any cavities (although I also a couple in my baby teeth). The dentist didn’t say if they were strong, but he did say that I wouldn’t be helping to put his kids through college - sweet!
January 25th, 2007 at 11:59 am
The dentist told me I can’t get cavities because there’s no space left in my teeth for them…what with all the fillings in there and all.
January 26th, 2007 at 12:46 am
ROTFL! And I thought that *I* was the only one who ever heard the pick sharpening thingy! Glad to know I’m not alone. Sorry about the battlefield.
January 26th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Sarah: Where did we get this power? It sure wasn’t from our father.
MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mabel: Well, you have no worries any more then, do you?
smcarney: It was bone-chilling. I thought I had jumped into a sequel to Hostel. *shudder*