1. Unexplained-Bruiseday
2. Poorly-Maintained-Zoosday
3. White-Suburban-Teenager-Singing-the-Bluesday
4. It-Hasn’t-Been-The-Same-Since-Steven-Burns-Left-Blues-Cluesday
5. Regret-Our-Poorly-Chosen-Tattoosday
6. Inappropriate-Leering-At-Ewesday
7. Let’s-All-Sort-Our-Shoesday
8. A-Smorgasbord-Of-West-African-Palace-Coupsday
9. The-Pus-It-Does-Oozeday
10. Scholarly-Discussion-Of-19th-Century-Hungarian-Taboosday
11. Unpleasant-Kangaroosday
12. Wednesday

Sigh. They can’t all be Caturday.

…

UPDATE: Speaking of Caturday… World Famous Random Kitten Generator!

I’ve felt pretty free tossing the old asshat back and forth across the Canada/U.S. border lately.

However, I do believe we Canadians just earned the kick-asshat.

• CBC News: “Mounties get their… can”

In Manitoba, a couple of Mounties were called in to help an animal in distress. Seems a deer got a coffee can stuck on its face and was running head-first into the local shrubbery.

Do the Mounties tranquilize the deer and calmly remove the coffee can?

Oh, honey… no.

Instead… one of the Mounties WRESTLED THE DEER TO THE GROUND.

Once the deer was pinned, they removed the coffee can, and then let the deer go.

Now… the deer is their bitch.

…

I think my testosterone just spiked. Urgh. Ow.

Well. I think we all know what this calls for…

(Wait for it…)

CHIPMUNK EATING A PEANUT!

What? You were expecting a deer? Pff. Amateur.

I have documented evidence that many fine American readers were heartbroken at the recent example of Canada’s asshattery.

Well. I am happy to report that the asshat has left the country.

Florida called and had us courier it down.

• CNET News.com: “Police blotter: Teens prosecuted for racy photos” (via Boing Boing)

A brief recap:

A 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl in Florida had themselves some of those sexual relations. With each other. As has been known to happen. And let’s be clear here — in Florida, it is LEGAL for teenagers to have sex with each other. Whether or not it’s smart, they are legally allowed to do it.

The two of them then decided to photograph those sexual relations. Yes, I think we can all agree that just possibly this was not the smartest of moves — Star Wars Kid anyone? Whatever. They took the pictures and then they sent the photos from her computer to his email account.

That’s it. A teenage couple had some of the sex with each other, took some naughty pictures of themselves, and then shared the photos WITH EACH OTHER. At no point did either of them express an interest in publishing the photos publicly.

Here’s where the Florida judicial system grabbed the asshat and pulled it firmly down over its ears:

Court records don’t say exactly what happened next — perhaps the parents wanted to end the relationship and raised the alarm — but somehow Florida police learned about the photos.

Amber and Jeremy were arrested. Each was charged with producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child. Based on the contents of his e-mail account, Jeremy was charged with an extra count of possession of child pornography.

And they were found guilty. OF FREAKING CHILD PORN.

And let’s underline the final point that tips the asshat to a nice jaunty angle:

THEY. WERE. TRIED. AS. ADULTS.

The legal acrobatics here are… what’s the word I’m looking for?

Oh yeah — asshatacular.

…

P.S. Reading this over, I realise that I added absolutely nothing to the dialogue that wasn’t said more succinctly over at Boing Boing.

But I did use the word “asshat” more. So we’re good.

Does anyone else feel their soul die a little when they see the Wendy’s commercial with “Blister in the Sun” in the background?

Am I the only one?

‘Cause it makes me feel dirty inside.

• Jurgen Nation . Com: “Six Ways to Sunday: Or, a Meme Re Six Things About Me”

Oh… this meme doesn’t die. IT JUST WON’T DIE.

Last time I saw it, it was just a wee little meme, asking me to reveal a mere five little known things about me. I remember seeing it and thinking, “SO CUTE! Five things! That’s just freaking ADORABLE! Here ya go, ya little scamp. Now go and play. Ahhh… memes today.”

But now… it’s grown. Evolved. MUTATED.

Six things. SIX.

About me.

[Shudder.]

Fine then, Stacy. You asked for it…

SIX THINGS THAT YOU IN ALL LIKELIHOOD DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ME BUT DIDN’T MAKE AN APPRECIABLE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE BUT WILL NOW FILL YOUR BRAIN LIKE THE CRUD THAT WOULD COLLECT IN THE SEAMS OF YOUR JEANS’ POCKETS IF YOU WERE IN THE HABIT OF STORING MUFFINS IN YOUR JEANS’ POCKETS EVEN THOUGH THAT’S REALLY NOT ADVISABLE BUT NOW I REALLY WANT A MUFFIN

1. If I was stranded on a desert island and could only have one CD with me, I would take The Stones Roses first album. (However, I would eventually fashion it into some sort of crude fishing implement, because a CD on a desert island with no CD player? Awwwwwkward.)
2. I can actually tell which of our cats threw-up just by looking at the throw-up in question. It’s like really gross fingerprints.
3. I have a series of very faint scars on my right middle finger. From the time I stuck my hand in a blender. At the age of 23. Sober. (Don’t ask.)
4. It took me over a year before I realised that the “pod” in “podcast” referred to iPods. I thought it was an oblique reference to Invasion of The Body Snatchers. Really.
5. I once created a miniature cable car system off of our eleventh floor balcony. I took some kite string, tied it to the balcony, and dropped the rest down to the ground. Then I went downstairs, grabbed the string, carried it across the street, down the block, and tied it to a lamp post. Then I went back upstairs. There, I created a small cable car out of a plastic pop bottle (a little seat, wings, lightning bolts, that sort of thing). Then I untied the string on the balcony, threaded it through the bottle, and then retied it to the balcony. Then I tied a different piece of kite string (where did I get all the kite string?) to the end of the bottle. Then I put my teddy bear in the seat and tied him in place. Then I released the whole thing over the edge. Once it had finished sliding over the street and down the block and hit the lamp post, I grabbed on the second piece of string and slowly reeled it back in. And then I did it again. And again. And again. (Eventually, I discovered that a variety of adults were less than pleased with my creation.) I was seven years old.

   (That may have been the coolest thing I have ever done.)

6. I actually hate bean salad.

And now, in time-honoured tradition, I must inflict tag others with this meme.

I name: Mabel, lightspring, Suldog, aaaaaaaand… all my homeys over at Indiebloggers. Have at it.