archive for April 2007
Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.
Crow has suggested using “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required”.
Let the experiment begin…
One square of toilet paper is sufficient in all but the most “pesky occasions”.
Whoops. There goes the call of nature. Well… time to employ a little scientific prowess. First, let’s be certain to have some reading material… check! We’re ready to go!
[Necessary clothing adjustments are made. Sits.]
O SWEET JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT DID I EAT??? TANDOORI ROADKILL??? TURNONTHEFANTURNONTHEFAN!!! OHGODOHGODOHGOD… AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaa… UHN!
I think we’re good.
SOMEBODY PLEASE! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY! ISWEARIWILLNEVEREATAGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Well. That’s over with.
Time for some serious testing.
[Rips one square of toilet paper. Applies.]
AUGH! WHATTHEHELL??? THAT! DID! NOT! WORK!!! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! UNCL-
This was covered in the initial hypothesis.
How was it posed?…
This must be a “pesky occasion”.
Well then. I know what to do.
[Rips three squares of toilet paper. Applies.]
OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO!!! THATDIDN’TWORKEITHER!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! DAMN YOU, SHERYL CROW! SOMEONE! HELP!!! I NEED HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!
Can you get me- NO! NOT TOILET PAPER! I’m only allowed three squares AND I USED THOSE! I don’t know… ummmm… how about the New York Times?? Of course the Sunday Edition! THIS IS A CODE RED!! Will it be enough?? Um… I don’t know!! Something else… ummm… I know! Get me that polar bear! You know! The famous one!
Lot’s ‘o’ clean white surface area there…
Sheryl Crow is an idiot.
I have no personal boundaries.
Bono and The Edge from U2 are to write music and lyrics for a Broadway musical based on comic book hero Spider-Man, according to film trade paper Variety.
Please allow me to repeat myself.
Just to ram your head a wee bit further down the rabbit-hole:
Hey… you’re welcome. It’s what I’m here for.
The other night, My Lovely Wife was in bed, hurtling headfirst into Dreamland.
However… just prior to her complete disappearance from the realm of consciousness, she called out to me:
“COME TO BED… YOU… DIRTY MCLINTOCK.”
Flabbergasted, I said, “Dirty McLintock??”
But… she was gone.
At no point since the evening in question has she been able to explain her rationale for dubbing me “Dirty McLintock”.
It remains a mystery.
Nevertheless… now — and forever — I am her Dirty McLintock.
You should all be so lucky.
Tidbit the First
I feel like I done gone looked on the face ‘o’ God.
This weekend, for the very first time…
I made ribs.
O SWEET CHRISTMAS ON A LOLLIPOP.
WHAT HAVE I BEEN WASTING MY LIFE ON UNTIL NOW?
The days of my life… they are now mere placeholders between the days that I get to make ribs.
PIGS OF THE WORLD! FEAR ME FOR I KNOW HOW TO MAKE RIBS! I HAVE LOOKED UPON MY WORKS AND DECLARED THEM TO BE GOOD! AND TASTY! AND REALLY REALLY MESSY! BUT NAPKINS HELP A LOT! HOSANNA!
Tidbit the Second
Stop your wailing and gnashing of teeth.
[Wailing stops and teeth gnashing ceases.]
All you fine folks that have left comments since I went and got all Garbo-y?
They have all been answered.
To varying degrees of lucidity.
Your mileage may vary.
Tidbit the Third
Ummm… I’m pretty certain I had another tidbit.
[Looks under keyboard.]
Not there… ah…. how about…
[Empties pockets. A frog escapes.]
When did I put a frog in there?
[Frog declines to answer.]
Fine. Screw you, frog.
Here’s your tidbit:
Frogs are jerks.
I, on the other hand, rock.
How do you like them apples, frog?
Yeah, not so cocky now, are you?
[Tidbit the Third collapses under the weight of its own idiocy.]