Without any consultation with her vastly more experienced and worldly brother, it seems that my wee little sister (whoeatspoo) has come to the conclusion that she has it in her to continue our genetic line.

In fact — as evidenced by her progressively expanding belly region — it seems that she has executed Plan: Sweeney Incrementation 2007.

Damn. Now I have SO MUCH TO DO.

I better start making a list.

Things to Teach Impending Sweeney Nugget

• Tree climbing.
• Tree falling-out-of.
• What words are always funny (”poo”, “pee”, “bum”) and what words are only funny some of the time (”audit”, “colonoscopy”, “ringworm”).
• DIY archery.
• The sublime joy of permanent markers.
• A bad Cockney accent.
• How to reformat a parent’s hard-drive. With or without their permission.
• The Rhino Song.
• Vacuuming. (What? Someone has to do it.)
• Rules of comedy.
• The proper use of stage directions in a blog post.

Oh… this list has just begun…

Man. This is going to be HARD WORK.

…

Psst.

Sis?

[Looks side-to-side.]

I can’t wait.

[Jumps up and down in gleeful anticipation.]

What’s this?

[Heavenly trumpets sound.]

MMmmMMMMmmmMMMmmAAAaaah sooooo goood oh! that’s a dark chocolate chip! oh yeah this thing’s almost a brownie! savour it savour this thing don’t rush it your body’s not used to the good stuff you don’t wanna cramp take your time breathe just breeeeeeathe in out in out that’s it slooooowly chew it real good break that cookie DOWN good work Jason you can do it you will master this cookie you will make this cookie your bitch O Sweet Lord of Cookies I will never doubt you nor the power and tastiness of your holy avatar the mighty Cookie all hail the great LORD OF COOKIE ohohohohohoh gonna black out there are TWO OF THEM THIS IS NOT A SINGLE COOKIE BEFORE ME THIS IS TWO TWOTWOTWOTWOTWO COOKIES mmwahmmwahmmwah oh freaking YES screw savouring it’s BEEN TOO LONG MWAHMWAHMWAHMWAHMWAAAAAAAH-

[Crumbs fly in a deadly barrage. The magnetic poles reverse. Birds plummet from the sky. Whales crawl onto land. Bloggers stop posting pictures of cats. Mass pandemonium.]

[Silence. A single feather floats down.]

Oh yeah.

I’m back, baby.

[Holds up glowing fist of power. Heavenly trumpets kick in with an awesome encore.]

Eleven days. No cookies.

I begin to feel… a darkness building inside me.

As if some elder god, imprisoned before the birth of time, imprisoned in a universe of formlessness and pain, has arisen from its epochal slumber and rears its crystalline back against its prison walls, its many, many eyes turning toward our reality, crumpling the boundaries of mortality and sanity, and its cry — O! its keening cry — the sound of madness and tears, of death and resurrection, breaking all ties of love and reason…

I hold on, keeping the elder darkness at bay.

But how much longer… how much longer can I maintain my grasp?

And what will happen… when I must let go?

[The universal firmament trembles. You go insane.]

Still no cookies.

However, I did have a co-worker stop by and hand me an unforeseen popsicle.

I am not mollified. The wait continues.

How much longer must I wait?

O… how much longer?…

[Plaintive gazing of the heavens.]

• McSweeney’s: “Unlikely Disasters”

Example: “All eyeballs turn to wood”

Proof that I’m not alone on this wavelength.

This wavelength of awesome.