my reported awesomeness levels are suspect
I feel so butch.
I installed a new doorknob in the bathroom this weekend.
I figured it was time, when after three weeks of not latching at all, it suddenly decided to latch so successfully that I actually needed to shimmy it open with a credit card.
Which, it now seems, is a skill I possess.
Even butchier.
[Pause.]
I should probably clarify the second sentence up there.
When I say that I “installed a new doorknob in the bathroom”, I mean that I installed it on the bathroom door.
It’s not like I went in there and installed it on the shower curtain. Or the plunger.
While charmingly random, that would have been slightly lower on the butchiness scale.
[Pause.]
Now that I think about it, even mentioning that the installation of the doorknob on the bathroom door made me feel butchy sort of… dandifies the whole feeling.
It’s like… a gunfighter taking down the evil cattle baron and all his henchmen and then walking around town saying stuff like:
- “Wow! Did you see that! I nailed him! Pretty freaking macho, eh?”
- “I think we all know who the big man around these parts is now, don’t we? Heh-heh-heh. And if you are unaware as to whom I am referring, the big man is ME.” [Kisses biceps.]
- “I guess nobody in town has a job anymore, considering I just killed the town’s lone employer and his entire upper management team. Hmmmmm… due to the awesomeness of me, I guess I could come up with a new way for you to make money.” [Brows furrow in really butchy thought.] “I could autograph stuff that you could then sell on eBay. Stuff like… t-shirts. And farm… implements. Because my signature will increases its value. Due to my manliness. Which is extreme. TO THE MAX!”
[Pause.]
Aw hell.
It wasn’t even a credit card that I shimmied the door open with.
It was a Shoppers Drug Mart Optimum Card.
And it only had 2500 points.
I bet gunfighters don’t even have Shoppers Drug Mart Optimum Cards.
They probably have really cool things.
Like horses. And cowboy hats. And conclusions.
[Pause.]
Stupid gunfighters.
July 10th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Installing a door knob…. very macho
July 11th, 2007 at 7:20 am
I am not sure gunslingers had toilets – outhouses maybe. And, if they got locked out of or in a room, they’d either kick or shoot their way out (which would have defeated the whole purpose of replacing that doorknob).
How about being a Renaissance man?
Though, I have to tell you, in general women find the DIY guys on TV HOT – Norm on New Yankee Workshop has done as much for flannel shirts as Kurt Cobain…..
July 11th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Don’t cut your self too short. The doorknob on our bathroom door is a little wobbly, and continues to be no matter how often it is adjusted. I think when it comes to door-knobs, and perhaps I can be bold enough to say door fixtures in general, an absence conclusions is the nature of the beast.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:35 am
I installed a doorknob this weekend and you don’t see me bragging about it
[Pause.]
My freakin’ doorknob ROCKS!
July 11th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Doing anything involving tools is rather manly, but the radically butch thing to do would have been to remove the door completely and then told the rest of your family to deal with it.
July 12th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
birchsprite: Thank you. I thought so too. [Spits on the floor. Pause. Rushes over and cleans up spit.]
g-dog: Alas, My Lovely Wife seems to have missed the whole “DIY Attraction” gene.
Mabel: Doors can have other fixtures than knobs?? What are we talking here? Cup holders? Sub-woofers? I need details!
endangered coffee: Yes. Yes it does. Door Knob Installers of the World UNITE!
Suldog: Upon my utterance of the final ‘t’ in “Deal with it”, My Lovely Wife would unleash her +5 Higher Rod of Passive Aggression on me and smited my ass down.
I’m rather kittenish that way.