further challenges to my awesomeness levels
Let’s say I drop my cellphone.
Not cool.
But… let’s say, before it hits the ground, I manage to get my foot underneath it and, with preternatural agility, kick it straight up in front of my face. And I reach out and pluck it out of mid air.
I think we would all agree that the awesomeness of that sequence of events would be fairly high.
Sadly for me, I didn’t do that.
But… let’s say, before the cellphone hits the ground, I manage to get my foot underneath it and, with preternatural agility, kick it straight up in the air and into my face, breaking my nose. While I am busy spurting blood (and crying), the cellphone — with a now-much-higher nasal-assisted velocity — hits the ground and shatters remarkably. Shooting shards of plastic into my legs. Doctors would later decide — due to its proximity to an artery — that the SIM card could never be removed safely. For the remainder of my life, the scars would itch before thunderstorms. And the premiere of each season of American Idol. Which would outlast my freaking lifetime.
While it could be said that this outcome would be impressively awesome from the objective viewer’s perspective, my internal awesomeness meter would likely display never-before-seen negative levels in the aftermath.
Sadly for the objective viewer, I didn’t do that either.
Instead…
Let’s say, before it hits the ground, I manage to get my foot underneath it and, with preternatural agility, break its fall sufficiently to prevent any remarkable shattering. And bodily damage. Slight uptick on the meter.
However, I do manage to send it shooting twenty-five feet down the hall to careen — with a sound reminiscent of a mournful kettle-drum — off a garbage can.
And the meter heads back to zero.
Yeah. I did do that.
July 11th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
You need to think like a cat …
“I meant to do that”
then saunter away coolly…
July 11th, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Between the shattered nose and BlogHim, I nearly spit out my lunch. Which is quite a feat because lunch was HOURS ago. And I didn’t even HAVE lunch.
July 12th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Hey, I did that once, only with an egg rather than a cell phone. Mostly because cell phones didn’t exist yet. I don’t know how my actions could have improved the outcome for the poor egg. In fact it is clear that had I not intercepted the oval trajectory with my foot, which redirected most of the now shattering egg under the fridge, the clean-up would have been simpler.
July 12th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Oh man…I coulda used a video of that to relieve the angst induced by this Nova Scotia crap WEATHER I am vacationing in. It woulda been suh-weeet!
Yay you on the doorknob installation/jimmying capabilities from a previous entry. You are SO manly. siiiigh (bats eyelashes girlishly in admiration) Ow! I think I gots an eyelash cramp!!
July 12th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Your awesomeness levels just went up a tad higher to me. I love to laugh and laugh I did. A LOT.
It is all relevant in the end, non?
July 12th, 2007 at 11:35 am
The ONLY thing that could have made this story better would have been if it was a landline phone.
No, wait, that would have made it ridiculous, not better. Nevermind.
July 12th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
g-dog: When I try to saunter old ladies laugh at me.
Karen: Well… ummm… ahhhh… I guess the lack of chewing leads to well-rested jaws? [Grasping at straws.]
Mabel: That would have been awesome if you had done it with a cellphone before they existed. Agility + temporal anomalies = AWESOME.
Alison: Careful with those eyelashes! You gotta work up to a full-blown batting. Start out with a couple of weeks of slow blinking. Get back to me once you’re comfortable with that.
Momish: Well, I’ll take a tad. It’s not a bucketload, but beggars can’t be choosers. Nor captains of industry. I’m just saying.
Suldog: I think a landline would have broken my foot. And I need my foot for walking and sauntering and humouring old ladies.
July 13th, 2007 at 5:51 am
It would have been better if it had landed in the bin
July 14th, 2007 at 2:22 am
I did that same thing once, except that the drop-kick occurred in a parking lot. While the phone still functioned after the long-distance skid, the gouges on the face scratched my ear whenever I used it.
July 15th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
I so knew you were going to punt that phone. Probably would have done less damage if it had hit the hardwood. I’ve managed to retrieve an outstretched foot more than once that was subconsciously thrust out to break the fall of a chef’s knife which had fallen off the counter.
July 19th, 2007 at 8:13 am
birchsprite: Believe me. If there is one skill I do not possess, it is being able to get something in the bin. I can hold a ball of paper directly over a garbage can — a BIG garbage can — and somehow still miss it. It’s a curse.
JoeDrinker: Are we talking recognizable scarring now? ‘Cause that’d be sort of cool. Like an eyepatch.
mike: Yes. That was probably a very smart decision. [Cringing at the thought.]
July 20th, 2007 at 3:54 am
Not really scarring, as much as a continual tenderizing of the ear and cheek. And answering the question “what happened to your ear?” with “my phone cuts me” challenges my own awesomeness level.
I had to get a new phone.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:31 am
When you say your phone “cuts you”, do you mean in a physical, “OW-OW-OW” kind of way, or in more of an emotionally scarring, wearing-away-of-your-self-esteem kind of way?