That’s it.

THAT’S FREAKING IT!

I’ve had it with being a crappy blogger! I’ve had it with crappy little posts that basically say nothing more than “Waa waa waa I’m really busy waa waa waa here are some random excuses interspersed with poorly constructed stage directions that could never be staged in a million years and even if they could be staged by some futuristic theatre troupe made of robots and hyper-evolved marmots they JUST AIN’T FUNNY and I’m a horrible excuse for a human being but here’s another self-deprecating comment darnit aren’t I cute GAG please give me love waa waa waa and now I will proceed to disappear into the ether for another interminable length of time and unless I am being held captive in a yurt in Central Asia with an overly affectionate polecat THIS CANNOT GO ON!”

THUS…

I DO DECLARE SEPTEMBER TO BE THE MONTH OF VERBIAGE.

Words. Every day. From me. On this site.

I’m getting off my well-flattened ass.

You have been warned.

I have two days. Much loin-girding will take place.

[Eats protein bar. Chugs energy drink. Firebolts shoot from eyes. The heavens tremble. A couple of Greek gods and a handful of seraphim tumble to Earth. Most of them pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and head back. Dionysus, however, is spotted heading to the nearest Applebee's.]

…

(And Karen? I do so like you. Don’t you doubt it.)

1. Activist judges
2. Fingers mutated into tentacles by vengeful dryad — typing speed drastically reduced
3. El Niño
4. Buried up to my neck in the sands of the Rub’ al Khali (“Please send food and scorpion repellent! Stat!”)
5. Industrial mincemeat accident
6. La Niña
7. Strict adherence to a poorly constructed to-do list has me cleaning the kitty litter every 6.25 minutes
8. Driving around the block looking for a parking space
9. The ghost of Ivan the Terrible has manifested in my garden shed and has proven to be a remarkably absorbing storyteller
10. Really big puddles

Damn iHug^©-related injuries.

It seems that excessive poking of my touchscreen has caused some massive internal bleeding.

I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs doesn’t have this problem.

Stupid attractive design and ease-of-use! Forever shall it be my downfall!

[Coughs consumptively. Swoons.]

I’ve been slack, rude, and more than a little stinky to you.

And that’s just wrong, because out of all the visitors to this fair site, you are my favourite.

Yes, I’m talking to you.

No, not you — you.

Alas, I am struggling — heroically, I might add — to burrow through a mound of work before I head off on Monday for the fair city of Toronto and the 2007 Canadian Ultimate Championships!

Whoo! And a Hoo! Everybody dance now!

[Everyone dances.]

So, in recompense to my abominable behaviour to you, please allow me to offer you…

… a few of my newly-patented iHugs^©!

[Pause for applause.]

They’re just like hugs, but shiny and white! And they have a touchscreen!

(Well, the touchscreen is my belly, but you can touch it if you really want to.)

Takers? Anyone?

[Expectant pause.]