archive for January 2009

first step

These are two facts about my creative process I am sharing with the world in a hope to break their old lady vice grip on my brain:

  1. If I have to come up with a subject to write about, the first sentence that runs through my mind is “I like cheese”. Every time.
  2. If I have to come up with a name, the first name that pops into my head is Stampy. (Yes. The elephant.) Every time.

There is no punchline. Punchlines imply an ending.

This will, in all likelihood, continue until the doctor turns off my ventilator and – as the light fades from my eyes – asks me if I can suggest a good name for her puppy.

watching tv

Wife: “Look. It’s Sarah Jessica Parker. Back when she was pretty.”
Me: “… ish.”

car repair


“Oh. There’s a cat hair on the screen.”

[Blow on screen.]

“Oh. There’s a cat hair and saliva on the screen.”

One billion times a day.


Research has determined the human brain is incapable of realizing when a Backstreet Boys t-shirt is being worn ironically.