archive for the 'assortednuts' category

25 Holo-Chess Strategies Tested by Chewbacca (in order)

  1. wet willies
  2. sexily removing bandolier
  3. regurgitation
  4. Jedi mind trick
  5. Wookiee mind trick
  6. Card trick
  7. purple nurples
  8. singing Life Day carols
  9. threatening to release flock of mynocks
  10. releasing flock of mynocks
  11. hair-pulling
  12. slam-poetry
  13. tongue-kissing
  14. 85-slide PowerPoint deck
  15. doing the Hokey-Pokey
  16. doing the Pigeon
  17. doing opponent’s mom
  18. noogies
  19. more slam-poetry
  20. Super-Poking opponent on Facebook
  21. Jello-shots
  22. playing bootleg Zydeco recordings
  23. defending Zydeco as a musical genre
  24. tears
  25. ripping opponent’s arms out of their sockets

pro-tip

If the email announcing your webinar starts with “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About UNIBA!” — where UNIBA stands for Undefined & Non-Intuitive Business Acronym — and you don’t actually explain what UNIBA means, your email will probably be deleted faster than you might prefer.

I mean, even faster than is normal for a webinar invitation.

first step

These are two facts about my creative process I am sharing with the world in a hope to break their old lady vice grip on my brain:

  1. If I have to come up with a subject to write about, the first sentence that runs through my mind is “I like cheese”. Every time.
  2. If I have to come up with a name, the first name that pops into my head is Stampy. (Yes. The elephant.) Every time.

There is no punchline. Punchlines imply an ending.

This will, in all likelihood, continue until the doctor turns off my ventilator and – as the light fades from my eyes – asks me if I can suggest a good name for her puppy.

watching tv

Wife: “Look. It’s Sarah Jessica Parker. Back when she was pretty.”
Me: “… ish.”

car repair