What’s this?

[Heavenly trumpets sound.]

MMmmMMMMmmmMMMmmAAAaaah sooooo goood oh! that’s a dark chocolate chip! oh yeah this thing’s almost a brownie! savour it savour this thing don’t rush it your body’s not used to the good stuff you don’t wanna cramp take your time breathe just breeeeeeathe in out in out that’s it slooooowly chew it real good break that cookie DOWN good work Jason you can do it you will master this cookie you will make this cookie your bitch O Sweet Lord of Cookies I will never doubt you nor the power and tastiness of your holy avatar the mighty Cookie all hail the great LORD OF COOKIE ohohohohohoh gonna black out there are TWO OF THEM THIS IS NOT A SINGLE COOKIE BEFORE ME THIS IS TWO TWOTWOTWOTWOTWO COOKIES mmwahmmwahmmwah oh freaking YES screw savouring it’s BEEN TOO LONG MWAHMWAHMWAHMWAHMWAAAAAAAH-

[Crumbs fly in a deadly barrage. The magnetic poles reverse. Birds plummet from the sky. Whales crawl onto land. Bloggers stop posting pictures of cats. Mass pandemonium.]

[Silence. A single feather floats down.]

Oh yeah.

I’m back, baby.

[Holds up glowing fist of power. Heavenly trumpets kick in with an awesome encore.]

Eleven days. No cookies.

I begin to feel… a darkness building inside me.

As if some elder god, imprisoned before the birth of time, imprisoned in a universe of formlessness and pain, has arisen from its epochal slumber and rears its crystalline back against its prison walls, its many, many eyes turning toward our reality, crumpling the boundaries of mortality and sanity, and its cry — O! its keening cry — the sound of madness and tears, of death and resurrection, breaking all ties of love and reason…

I hold on, keeping the elder darkness at bay.

But how much longer… how much longer can I maintain my grasp?

And what will happen… when I must let go?

[The universal firmament trembles. You go insane.]

Still no cookies.

However, I did have a co-worker stop by and hand me an unforeseen popsicle.

I am not mollified. The wait continues.

How much longer must I wait?

O… how much longer?…

[Plaintive gazing of the heavens.]

It’s been seven days since I’ve had a cookie.

It was Tuesday before I had noticed that I had gone so long without precious sustenance. At first it seemed sort of funny, in a “boy, this is sort of funny” kind of way.

But as the days drag on, the Funny-Ha-Ha Levels have dropped far below the Surgeon-General’s recommended minimum daily dosage.

Now… damn. I’m cruising on vapours.

But, without quite realising why, I have made a decision. Hell. I think we can call this a vow.

I will not just go out and get a cookie.

No.

I must wait for the cookie to come to me.

I am now in the hands of Fate, in the loving embrace of Chance, swinging in the hammock of Karma.

Destiny and I are taking a road trip and I just spilled orange pop all over the map.

Kismet and I just broke out of jail and are now on the run through the bayous of Louisiana, handcuffed together and bickering with each other every step of the way.

Sweet Lady Fortune and I have been IMing each other for a while and have finally decided to meet up for coffee but when we get to the coffee shop there seems to be some sort of open mike night going on and when I suggest that maybe we should try the Starbucks down the street she pulls me up on the stage and starts improvising some sort of spoken word piece about the indigenous tribes of Papua New Guinea and giving me significant jump right in any time now, chief looks and I’m furiously writing lines down on a napkin trying to come up with words that rhyme with “Bougainville”.

[Pause.]

Yeeeeeah.

Some cookies better show up pretty damn soon.

[Taps foot nervously. Twitches.]