Yeah. Still feel like crap. Wearing sunglasses just to look at monitor. Fluorescent lights are the devil. Still have thousands of pictures unviewed and unsorted. Brain not congealed enough to converted Malaysian memories into lighthearted tales of sweat puddles and monkeys.

Just wanted to share one thought totally unrelated to my travels and adventures.

[Deep breath.]

OMG!! BSG IS BACK!! BSG IS BACK!! BSG IS BACK!!

[Cough.]

That is all.

Excuse me. I have an appointment with mucus.

[Cue Indiana Jones travelling music.]

This is what’s going to happen.

It’s going to be March 21st.

We’re going to get on a plane. This plane will go to Toronto. I will strain my neck trying to spot my old neighbourhood out the window. I will fail.

We will then exit that plane and promptly enter a second plane. This plane will then go to Los Angeles. We will not have time for fish tacos. We will instead exit the second plane and enter a third.

This plane will then head out over the Atlantic Pacific [Whoops!] and cross the International Date Line. (“What do you mean it’s Sunday? WTF??”)

This plane will not hesitate at the International Date Line. I believe a mid-air hesitation is what is known as a “nose-dive”. Word on the street is that this is to be avoided.

Instead, the plane — the third one, for those keeping track at home — will head directly to Taipei. There, it will stop for pee breaks and little else.

This plane will then take to the air one more time for the final leg (of this part of the journey), finally landing in Kuala Lampur.

Which is in MALAYSIA.

We will spend three days in Kuala Lampur. Most likely, this will be spent in the death grip of jet lag.

After three days, we will then enter the fourth (FOURTH!) plane of our journey. This plane will head out over THE SOUTH CHINA SEA. (Yes. It is as cool to type that as it seems.) This plane will then land in Kota Kinabalu.

On BORNEO.

And then… we will go here:

Oh. Yeah.

Somewhere in there will be a wedding we’ll be attending.

Probably of greater concern to others reading this is the fact that COME HELL OR HIGH WATER… we will be seeing these:

That’s right.

ORANGUTANS, BITCHES!

Oh. I shall be pleased.

Once we have sated ourselves on extensive Every Which Way But Loose ribaldry — and other assorted Borneo-ific delights — we will be heading back on another plane to Kuala Lampur (plane no. 5), and then onto another (no. 6) which will mosey it’s way over to Shanghai, then back over the International Date Line (”A free day? FTW!!”), and then back into Los Angeles.

We will then have ten hours.

In LOS ANGELES.

Comments? Suggestions?

Fish Tacos?

And then… we’ll head back to Canada (planessevenandeight).

Sigh.

…

I think I need a pith helmet.

• Boing Boing Gadgets: “Official LEGO Star Wars AT-AT Walker”

I’m sorry, but this takes the toys of my childhood and kicks them in their tiny, charmingly-nostalgic balls.

I’ve felt pretty free tossing the old asshat back and forth across the Canada/U.S. border lately.

However, I do believe we Canadians just earned the kick-asshat.

• CBC News: “Mounties get their… can”

In Manitoba, a couple of Mounties were called in to help an animal in distress. Seems a deer got a coffee can stuck on its face and was running head-first into the local shrubbery.

Do the Mounties tranquilize the deer and calmly remove the coffee can?

Oh, honey… no.

Instead… one of the Mounties WRESTLED THE DEER TO THE GROUND.

Once the deer was pinned, they removed the coffee can, and then let the deer go.

Now… the deer is their bitch.

…

I think my testosterone just spiked. Urgh. Ow.

Well. I think we all know what this calls for…

(Wait for it…)

CHIPMUNK EATING A PEANUT!

What? You were expecting a deer? Pff. Amateur.

• Daily Mail: “The superlions marooned on an island” (via digg)

Marooned on an island, this group of lions should have died out. Instead, in an evolutionary twist, they’ve learned to swim and become strong enough to tackle their only prey… giant buffalo.

Fearless, ferocious and mightier than the world has ever seen, this is the new breed of super-lion.

Oh… this is SWEET.

Seriously — how do I get a river diverted around me so I can be isolated from others of my kind and transform into some sort of MEGA-JASON that can take down a wild buffalo? Oh fricking YEAH!

…

Honestly though — I have to admit… this ain’t going to happen.

I’d probably be more like one of the warthogs:

“Hey. Lions. Will you take a gander at them tasty-looking water buffalo. Look pretty good, eh? Yeah… geez, wouldn’t a water buffalo go down great about now? Ah no… I’m actually rather stringy. And gamy. Sorry… no — garlic would not ‘improve my natural flavouring’. Hey! Don’t knock yourself, though! It was a good idea! You keep thinking outside that box, ok? Oh! Look! There’s an old one! Is it straggling behind the herd? Boy… that would probably be pretty easy to catch right about now… wow… look at it straggle… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a water buffalo straggle that much. Really. Look in the dictionary under ’straggle’ — BAM! A picture of that water buffalo! Now — here’s an idea… if you would simply remove your claws from my intestines — oh no! it’s no problem at all! — I bet the lot of you could take that water buffalo down and have yourselves a tasty little treat. Oh — me? I’ll wait here. No no no… I won’t scamper away. Funny guy. You just go get that water buffalo — I’ll be here when you get back. Mmmmm… tasty water buffalo… Yup. Riiiiight here. Ok. See ya later!”

[Pause. Scampering noises.]

Warthogs. The smart-asses of the animal kingdom.

…

(My apologies to any warthogs reading this. You know you’re my homeys.)