Just wanted to share one thought totally unrelated to my travels and adventures.

[Deep breath.]

OMG!! BSG IS BACK!! BSG IS BACK!! BSG IS BACK!!

[Cough.]

That is all.

Excuse me. I have an appointment with mucus.

This is what’s going to happen.

It’s going to be March 21st.

We’re going to get on a plane. This plane will go to Toronto. I will strain my neck trying to spot my old neighbourhood out the window. I will fail.

We will then exit that plane and promptly enter a second plane. This plane will then go to Los Angeles. We will not have time for fish tacos. We will instead exit the second plane and enter a third.

This plane will then head out over the Atlantic Pacific [Whoops!] and cross the International Date Line. (“What do you mean it’s Sunday? WTF??”)

This plane will not hesitate at the International Date Line. I believe a mid-air hesitation is what is known as a “nose-dive”. Word on the street is that this is to be avoided.

Instead, the plane — the third one, for those keeping track at home — will head directly to Taipei. There, it will stop for pee breaks and little else.

This plane will then take to the air one more time for the final leg (of this part of the journey), finally landing in Kuala Lampur.

Which is in MALAYSIA.

We will spend three days in Kuala Lampur. Most likely, this will be spent in the death grip of jet lag.

After three days, we will then enter the fourth (FOURTH!) plane of our journey. This plane will head out over THE SOUTH CHINA SEA. (Yes. It is as cool to type that as it seems.) This plane will then land in Kota Kinabalu.

On BORNEO.

And then… we will go here:

Oh. Yeah.

Somewhere in there will be a wedding we’ll be attending.

Probably of greater concern to others reading this is the fact that COME HELL OR HIGH WATER… we will be seeing these:

That’s right.

ORANGUTANS, BITCHES!

Oh. I shall be pleased.

Once we have sated ourselves on extensive Every Which Way But Loose ribaldry — and other assorted Borneo-ific delights — we will be heading back on another plane to Kuala Lampur (plane no. 5), and then onto another (no. 6) which will mosey it’s way over to Shanghai, then back over the International Date Line (“A free day? FTW!!”), and then back into Los Angeles.

We will then have ten hours.

In LOS ANGELES.

Comments? Suggestions?

Fish Tacos?

And then… we’ll head back to Canada (planessevenandeight).

Sigh.

…

I think I need a pith helmet.

• Boing Boing Gadgets: “Official LEGO Star Wars AT-AT Walker”

I’m sorry, but this takes the toys of my childhood and kicks them in their tiny, charmingly-nostalgic balls.

However, I do believe we Canadians just earned the kick-asshat.

• CBC News: “Mounties get their… can”

In Manitoba, a couple of Mounties were called in to help an animal in distress. Seems a deer got a coffee can stuck on its face and was running head-first into the local shrubbery.

Do the Mounties tranquilize the deer and calmly remove the coffee can?

Oh, honey… no.

Instead… one of the Mounties WRESTLED THE DEER TO THE GROUND.

Once the deer was pinned, they removed the coffee can, and then let the deer go.

Now… the deer is their bitch.

…

I think my testosterone just spiked. Urgh. Ow.

Well. I think we all know what this calls for…

(Wait for it…)

CHIPMUNK EATING A PEANUT!

What? You were expecting a deer? Pff. Amateur.

• Daily Mail: “The superlions marooned on an island” (via digg)

Marooned on an island, this group of lions should have died out. Instead, in an evolutionary twist, they’ve learned to swim and become strong enough to tackle their only prey… giant buffalo.

Fearless, ferocious and mightier than the world has ever seen, this is the new breed of super-lion.

Oh… this is SWEET.

Seriously — how do I get a river diverted around me so I can be isolated from others of my kind and transform into some sort of MEGA-JASON that can take down a wild buffalo? Oh fricking YEAH!

…

Honestly though — I have to admit… this ain’t going to happen.

I’d probably be more like one of the warthogs:

“Hey. Lions. Will you take a gander at them tasty-looking water buffalo. Look pretty good, eh? Yeah… geez, wouldn’t a water buffalo go down great about now? Ah no… I’m actually rather stringy. And gamy. Sorry… no — garlic would not ‘improve my natural flavouring’. Hey! Don’t knock yourself, though! It was a good idea! You keep thinking outside that box, ok? Oh! Look! There’s an old one! Is it straggling behind the herd? Boy… that would probably be pretty easy to catch right about now… wow… look at it straggle… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a water buffalo straggle that much. Really. Look in the dictionary under ’straggle’ — BAM! A picture of that water buffalo! Now — here’s an idea… if you would simply remove your claws from my intestines — oh no! it’s no problem at all! — I bet the lot of you could take that water buffalo down and have yourselves a tasty little treat. Oh — me? I’ll wait here. No no no… I won’t scamper away. Funny guy. You just go get that water buffalo — I’ll be here when you get back. Mmmmm… tasty water buffalo… Yup. Riiiiight here. Ok. See ya later!”

[Pause. Scampering noises.]

Warthogs. The smart-asses of the animal kingdom.

…

(My apologies to any warthogs reading this. You know you’re my homeys.)

• FIRST! The Sci-Fi Channel announces that they will be creating a 6-hour miniseries (producers include George Freaking Clooney) of Neal Stephenson’s The Diamond Age: Or a Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer. (If I haven’t mentioned it before. Neal Stephenson is my FAVOURITE author and if you haven’t you should read his Cryptonomicon right now. Go. We’ll be here when you get back.)
• SECOND! HBO has announced they are going to be making George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire into a motherfrakking TELEVISION SERIES! Gah! One of the best (not to mention bloody, brutal, and morally ambiguous) fantasy series out there, coming to us from the network that gave us The Sopranos, Deadwood, and Rome. My geek-o-meter is CLIMBING INTO THE RED HERE, PEOPLE.
• THIRD! G-FORCE! THE MOVIE!

I can’t take it any more. My geek organ… it is burst.

All this AND a new episode of Battlestar Galactica this weekend?

I will say it.

IT’S BETTER THAN COOKIES.

• AnswerWiki: “If the animals from South America had a ‘rumble’ with the animals from Africa… which group of animals would win, and why?” (via digg)

I am in awe of this complete and cogent argument. Truly.

There exists a large inflatable pool filled to the brim with awe and I am in it… doing laps.

I have nothing funny to add here.

All the funny is in the article. Go read it. Now.

• Associated Press: “World’s Tallest Man Saves China Dolphins” (via CBC News)

The long arms of the world’s tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins’ stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.

Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s tallest living man.

You know, it may not be the superpower I would have picked, but this is pretty freaking awesome.

Dolphins are invited to send cookies and really big shoes in appreciation.

I call that a geek bomb.

Personal examples?

• In Pulp Fiction, when Butch picks up the baseball bat, then picks up the chainsaw, and then sees the purest of pure geek weapons — HOLY HELL, IT’S A FREAKING SAMURAI SWORD — hanging on the wall? Geek bomb.
• In Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the Nazis drive off with the Ark of the Covenant, and then Indy appears [insert Raiders theme here] chasing after them ON A FREAKING HORSE? Geek bomb. (Echoed later on by an equally powerful geek bomb when he appears on the deck of the submarine. Hoo-whee.)
• In Superman Returns, when Superman lifts THE ENTIRE FREAKING KRYPTO-CONTINENT into space, finally showing on screen the incredibly massive moving-planets-if-he-so-chooses strength that comic book fans know Superman has but have never gotten to see? Geek bomb.

I could go on in this vein FOR DAYS… but I do have a point.

Last night’s episode of Heroes.

Seen it?

If not, I will keep this spoiler-free.

Suffice it to say… I got ONE MOTHER OF A GEEK BOMB last night.

If you saw it, you probably know what I’m taking about.

My glee reservoirs? They are full.

…

Got your own personal geek bombs? Then delurk, my pollen-dusted readers… delurk!

Authors write six word short stories.

I must try my neophyte hand.

…

Godzilla takes holiday. Disneyland utterly destroyed.

…

He regretted peeing in the shower.

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Aliens land on Earth. Wackiness ensues!

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William Tell suddenly childless. Apple unscathed.

…

Firestorms incinerating Mercury, he regretted nothing.

…

Underestimating the kittens was humanity’s downfall.

…

Once upon a time the end.