I’ve felt pretty free tossing the old asshat back and forth across the Canada/U.S. border lately.

However, I do believe we Canadians just earned the kick-asshat.

• CBC News: “Mounties get their… can”

In Manitoba, a couple of Mounties were called in to help an animal in distress. Seems a deer got a coffee can stuck on its face and was running head-first into the local shrubbery.

Do the Mounties tranquilize the deer and calmly remove the coffee can?

Oh, honey… no.

Instead… one of the Mounties WRESTLED THE DEER TO THE GROUND.

Once the deer was pinned, they removed the coffee can, and then let the deer go.

Now… the deer is their bitch.

…

I think my testosterone just spiked. Urgh. Ow.

Well. I think we all know what this calls for…

(Wait for it…)

CHIPMUNK EATING A PEANUT!

What? You were expecting a deer? Pff. Amateur.

• Daily Mail: “The superlions marooned on an island” (via digg)

Marooned on an island, this group of lions should have died out. Instead, in an evolutionary twist, they’ve learned to swim and become strong enough to tackle their only prey… giant buffalo.

Fearless, ferocious and mightier than the world has ever seen, this is the new breed of super-lion.

Oh… this is SWEET.

Seriously — how do I get a river diverted around me so I can be isolated from others of my kind and transform into some sort of MEGA-JASON that can take down a wild buffalo? Oh fricking YEAH!

…

Honestly though — I have to admit… this ain’t going to happen.

I’d probably be more like one of the warthogs:

“Hey. Lions. Will you take a gander at them tasty-looking water buffalo. Look pretty good, eh? Yeah… geez, wouldn’t a water buffalo go down great about now? Ah no… I’m actually rather stringy. And gamy. Sorry… no — garlic would not ‘improve my natural flavouring’. Hey! Don’t knock yourself, though! It was a good idea! You keep thinking outside that box, ok? Oh! Look! There’s an old one! Is it straggling behind the herd? Boy… that would probably be pretty easy to catch right about now… wow… look at it straggle… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a water buffalo straggle that much. Really. Look in the dictionary under ’straggle’ — BAM! A picture of that water buffalo! Now — here’s an idea… if you would simply remove your claws from my intestines — oh no! it’s no problem at all! — I bet the lot of you could take that water buffalo down and have yourselves a tasty little treat. Oh — me? I’ll wait here. No no no… I won’t scamper away. Funny guy. You just go get that water buffalo — I’ll be here when you get back. Mmmmm… tasty water buffalo… Yup. Riiiiight here. Ok. See ya later!”

[Pause. Scampering noises.]

Warthogs. The smart-asses of the animal kingdom.

…

(My apologies to any warthogs reading this. You know you’re my homeys.)

Holy crap. That was a week. Three news items — BANG! BANG! BANG! — that set my geek heart a-flutter:

• FIRST! The Sci-Fi Channel announces that they will be creating a 6-hour miniseries (producers include George Freaking Clooney) of Neal Stephenson’s The Diamond Age: Or a Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer. (If I haven’t mentioned it before. Neal Stephenson is my FAVOURITE author and if you haven’t you should read his Cryptonomicon right now. Go. We’ll be here when you get back.)
• SECOND! HBO has announced they are going to be making George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire into a motherfrakking TELEVISION SERIES! Gah! One of the best (not to mention bloody, brutal, and morally ambiguous) fantasy series out there, coming to us from the network that gave us The Sopranos, Deadwood, and Rome. My geek-o-meter is CLIMBING INTO THE RED HERE, PEOPLE.
• THIRD! G-FORCE! THE MOVIE!

I can’t take it any more. My geek organ… it is burst.

All this AND a new episode of Battlestar Galactica this weekend?

I will say it.

IT’S BETTER THAN COOKIES.