Scourge of the Clamshell *
Power Description: Can open any consumer good shipped in plastic clamshell packaging. With a single steely glance. From fifty feet.

* Note: Does not work on products made in China.

Appalachian Scabshift
Power Description: Using the power of my mind, I can teleport three scabs on my body anywhere within the Appalachian mountain range. (Note: Any attempt to teleport more or less than three scabs will give me a debilitating full-body ice-cream headache. So please don’t ask me to try.)

Ranchemy
Power Description: I can transmute any condiment into Paul Newman’s Own Ranch Dressing. All I need to do is coat my body with the condiment, clap my hands, and presto! — Ranch dressing for everyone!

Smiley Projection
Power Description: I can transfer my consciousness into the Astral Plane! However, my soul manifests itself in the semblance of Guy Smiley. And I will smell of strong cheese for about three days afterwards. (This may actually constitute two superpowers.)