An internal monologue:

I’m hungry.

Cookies would be good- NO! No cookies! I’m getting a reputation for being some sort of cookie addict. So. No cookies.

Still. I’m hungry.

Wait! I think I have a granola bar! That’s not cookie-like, is it? No! It’s a “granola bar”, not a “cookie”. COMPLETELY different.

So… where did I put that granola bar… noonie-noonie-noo… ah-HAH! Coat pocket! Let’s see…

[Pause filled with much hunting for granola bar.]

Weird. There seems to be a multiple number of granola bars in this coat pocket.

[Pause filled with much rooting around in granola bar-containing pocket.]

Huh.

Why do I have four granola bars in my coat pocket?

I don’t remember grabbing four granola bars this morning.

[Pause filled with much ordering of granola bars into parallel lines on desk in front of me.]

That’s weird. Did I really grab that many granola bars this morning? Or did I grab some another day and not actually get around to eating them? That doesn’t sound like me. Ush-ly iff I bring a grrnola bar, I’ll be shur-

[Pause filled with much examining of slightly smaller ordered set of granola bars on desk in front of me.]

Wait a sec.

I was certain there were were four granola bars a second ago. I must not have counted them correctly. Well, letsh be shurtain ‘n’ coun’ thum kerrecly thish time ar-

[Pause filled with much suspicious glaring at the growing empty spaces between the individual granola bars on desk in front of me.]

Now I KNOW there were three granola bars a second ago. Unlesh I’mmm devlooping shome short of b’ind spot ‘n muh vishon-

[Pause filled with much frantic scrambling as the set previously containing a multiple number of granola bars has seemingly transformed into a set containing but a single granola bar.]

Okay, someone’s definitely trying to freak me out or something. Just a minute ago there wur duhfuntely two gruh-nola b’rsh ‘n thuh deshk ‘n frunt uhf me ‘n’ now thersh ‘nly-

[Pause filled with much silent contemplation of the empty desk in front of me.]

Where did these crumbs come from?

[Pause.]

I’m hungry.

where is that notice? is it in the May 2007 folder WHAT IS THIS?? A SKOR BAR SQUARE?? FOR ME?? ohohohohoh skorbarsquare skorbarsquare skorbarsquare iloveskorbarsquare OH NO! skorbarsquare crumb has just fallen in my lap WAIT no one saw pick it up eat it GOOD I’m in the clear quick get a kleenex under the square musn’t lose precious skorbarsquare bits first bite ohohohOHOHOH it’s SO GOOD everyday should be skorbarsquare day second bite OHOHOHOHOH why don’t I make skorbarsquares these are the BEST THINGS EVER I should dedicate my life to eating skorbarsquares third bite O DEAREST SKORBARSQUARE don’t ever leave me we are made for one another it’s like romeo and juliet fourth bite most delicious mmmmMMMMmmm thing ever in my mouth whatwhatwhat? NO MORE SKORBARSQUARE?? AAAAAH! it’s gone it’s gone it’s gone this day sucks why was I ever taunted with the skorbarsquare? QUICK eat crumbs in kleenex AH! kleenex bits in my mouth! PPHT! PPHT! PPHT! gah horrible kleenex ruining skorbarsquare bits grrrrrrrr stupid skorbarsquare taunting me with your delicious ephemerality is that even a word? googlegooglegoogle oh it is a word.

I picked up My Lovely Wife from work. As we were driving away, I asked how her day was. She said it was depressing, because she had to go to a funeral at lunch-time.

Suddenly she perked up and said, “Wait a minute! I have something for you!”

She dug around in her purse for a moment and then pulled out something wrapped in a napkin. She unwrapped the napkin and said, “Look! I got you a funeral cookie!”

I took the dark double chocolate cookie from her hands and took a bite. Without thinking, I said, “Mmmmm… mournfully delicious!”

She looked at me, shocked. And then laughed.

I felt bad for a moment, but then I realised… it really was mournfully delicious.