where is that notice? is it in the May 2007 folder WHAT IS THIS?? A SKOR BAR SQUARE?? FOR ME?? ohohohohoh skorbarsquare skorbarsquare skorbarsquare iloveskorbarsquare OH NO! skorbarsquare crumb has just fallen in my lap WAIT no one saw pick it up eat it GOOD I’m in the clear quick get a kleenex under the square musn’t lose precious skorbarsquare bits first bite ohohohOHOHOH it’s SO GOOD everyday should be skorbarsquare day second bite OHOHOHOHOH why don’t I make skorbarsquares these are the BEST THINGS EVER I should dedicate my life to eating skorbarsquares third bite O DEAREST SKORBARSQUARE don’t ever leave me we are made for one another it’s like romeo and juliet fourth bite most delicious mmmmMMMMmmm thing ever in my mouth whatwhatwhat? NO MORE SKORBARSQUARE?? AAAAAH! it’s gone it’s gone it’s gone this day sucks why was I ever taunted with the skorbarsquare? QUICK eat crumbs in kleenex AH! kleenex bits in my mouth! PPHT! PPHT! PPHT! gah horrible kleenex ruining skorbarsquare bits grrrrrrrr stupid skorbarsquare taunting me with your delicious ephemerality is that even a word? googlegooglegoogle oh it is a word.

I picked up My Lovely Wife from work. As we were driving away, I asked how her day was. She said it was depressing, because she had to go to a funeral at lunch-time.

Suddenly she perked up and said, “Wait a minute! I have something for you!”

She dug around in her purse for a moment and then pulled out something wrapped in a napkin. She unwrapped the napkin and said, “Look! I got you a funeral cookie!”

I took the dark double chocolate cookie from her hands and took a bite. Without thinking, I said, “Mmmmm… mournfully delicious!”

She looked at me, shocked. And then laughed.

I felt bad for a moment, but then I realised… it really was mournfully delicious.

I get great satisfaction by packing a nice, healthy lunch for My Lovely Wife. She worries about eating too much during the day, so I take care to fill her lunch with a whole pile of low-cal goodies — usually a big salad or a package of pureed soup, some flavoured rice cakes, one or two pieces of fruit, and the assorted munchie.

(On the other hand, my packed lunch is usually whatever fruit is dropped to the floor or the leavings on plates that the cats didn’t bother licking up, maybe in a bag or possbly just kicked in front of me as I walk. I’m not so conscientious with my own lunch.)

Well, the very first time I packed one of the pureed soups for My Lovely Wife, I received a call at my desk at 12:08.

She wanted to thank my for the soup. And she also wanted to suggest that the next time I actually include tupperware to hold it in and, say, maybe a spoon with which to eat it.

Chagrin, I did feel.

Well, I have never forgotten to pack that tupperware and spoon again. Now, if it’s a soup day, I remember the tupperware and spoon if it means I have to beat my way through a crowd of small, tubercular children. (Which, oddly enough, is not that often.)

Today was a soup day. And dammit, I did not forget that damn tupperware and spoon.

The soup on the other hand…

In three days, my Lovely Wife and I will be on a plane headed for St. John’s, Newfoundland. The land of screech and salt beef and pease pudding.

And most importantly, the land of the picking turkey.

Every Christmas eve, my Lovely Wife’s father cooks a turkey. This turkey is not part of a meal. Other meals will be prepared above and beyond this turkey. This turkey will not grace the table at a large family dinner.

Oh no. This turkey is the “picking turkey”. The “picking turkey” exists for one purpose and one purpose only:

If you are feeling hungry and need to “pick at something”, then this turkey is there for you. To pick at.

Do you realise what this means? This turkey is cooked just to be leftover turkey.

It is pure, unadulterated genius.

And this is the man that I have to thank for it:

trivally-bits — def. Food items on a buffet that you fill up on, but in the end merely take up room from the really good stuff, leading to resentment, frustration, and gas.

Examples of common trivally-bits:

• cheese
• crackers
• rolls
• pickles
• soup
• salads
• steamed veggies

If you remember one thing over the upcoming festive season, let it be this:

It’s the trivally-bits that stand between you and that extra spoonful of stuffing.