Run away! Don’t play this! I mean it! If you value your sanity and your ability to multitask, LEAVE NOW AND NEVER EVER EVER THINK OF CLICKING THIS LINK!

[Runs shrieking into the distance.]

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa…

…

[Runs back from the distance and into your face. Still shrieking.]

… aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa…

[And gone again.]

Geez.

Thanks a lot, people.

You start an innocent game of Hide and Seek.

You find a great hiding spot.

And then you wait.

And then you wait some more.

And then you discover that your previous waiting was merely a prelude to the true waiting.

And then… you realise that NOBODY HAS TOLD YOU THE GAME WAS OVER.

THANKS A WHOLE FREAKING LOT, PEOPLE!

I was under that bed for TEN DAYS!

It didn’t cross any of your minds to possibly yell out “Olly olly oxen free”??

I’m really dusty and really REALLY hungry.

Stupid sore losers. Just because I’m the best-everer Hide-and-Seeker doesn’t mean you leave me out there to ROT!

I MISSED CHRISTMAS!

Everyone else got to have turkey and stuffing and Christmas cookies and presents and hugs and ham and I DIDN’T GET TO HAVE NOTHING!

NOTHING BUT THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I WON AND EVERYONE ELSE LOST! SUCKERS! YOU SUCK! I RULE! I AM THE BESTEST! YOU ALL CAN EAT MY-

[Furious whispering.]

What?

[Even more furious whispering.]

Oh.

[Pause.]

… Ahem.

It appears… that when one initiates a game of Hide And Seek… the first recommended action is to inform the other participants of the… existence… and… start of the game.

Heh.

My bad.

…

I still rule.

• Totebo Online Game: “Monkey Kick Off Challenge”

I hate you, Birchsprite.

You introduced me to this abomination of a game.

I then went out and beat your best kick. Then you beat mine. Then I beat yours. Then my Dad beat mine. Then I beat his. Then my Sister Who Eats Poo failed miserably at beating mine. I stand atop the mangled bodies of my challengers.

And now I. CAN’T. STOP.

So please… I call upon you, my garland-festooned readers, to go forth and take a whack at beating my best kick (4477 meters, thank you very much).

Please… put me out of my misery.

Stupid Monkey Kick Off.

Stupid procrastination.

…

Stupid me.

If you’re like me, you are constantly looking for the latest in time-wasting tools. Allow me to share two beautiful ways to effortlessly waste the minutes and hours left until your inevitable (and likely scandalous and moist) death.

• Jason Reinsvold’s BowMaster

Fire arrows. Kill the invading hordes. Get experience. Buy better abilities and new arrows. Fire more arrows. Get more archers. Catapults. Fire more arrows. Note the moss growing on your extremities. Fire more arrows.

• deviantART: “Line Rider” (via lifehacker)

Draw a hill. Click “Play”. Watch the man slide down the hill.

That’s it.

Think that’s not interesting? Fools. Just give it a shot. Ye shall be SUCKED IN!

And to give you an idea of what’s possible…

• YouTube: “Line Rider – Jagged Peak Adventure” (via digg)
• Kris Abel Blog: “Cool Link – Line Rider”

That’s all I got fer ya today. Rock it, space cowboys.

How to begin the game:

1. Small child enters front porch.
2. Small child closes french door to front porch.
3. Small child waves through the glass and says, “Bye-bye!”
4. The game now begins.

How to play the game:

1. Press your face against window of french door, make a troll face, and in your trolliest voice say, “BU-BYE!”
2. Watch small child giggle uncontrollably.
3. Open the french door briskly — moving your head quickly out of the way — make a goofball face, and in your goofballiest voice say, “HELLooOOOOoooOOOOOO!”
4. Watch small child giggle uncontrollably.
5. Close the french door briskly — moving your head quickly out of the way — and go to Step 1.

How to end the game:

1. Open the french door briskly — moving your head a little too far and a little too quickly out of the way — and slam your forehead with concussive force into the adjacent wall.
2. Stagger into the living room, bend over, and valiantly refrain from explosive cursing.
3. Lie down on the couch and wait for Your Lovely Wife to bring ice for your head.
4. Listen to voice of small child in front porch say, “Bye-bye?”