I have-
[Sudden frantic scurrying sounds, then silence. Pause. Calm walking sound.]
I have discovered that I haveDAMN-
[Even more frantic scurrying sounds. A loud BANG! as a human body collides with a filing cabinet, followed by silence. Another pause. Grumpy walking sound.]
IhavediscoveredthatIhaveabladderthesizeofagummibearDONE.
[Expectant pause.]
I think we’re good.
[Sound of drinking. Pause.]
AWFRIGGINHELL-
[World-record-breaking scurrying noises. Silence.]
The week that was:
Please excuse me if I am minus the funny.
[Rests head gently on keyboard. Serenely drools.]
Pimples inside the nostril.
I mean, really? Who the HELL thought that one up?!
I GOT NO ACCESS HERE, PEOPLE. Just fun fun nostril-pimple pain.
And something tells me that I shouldn’t expect the arrival of nostril-pimple elves in the foreseeable future.
[Pause.]
Oh. Wait. Here they are.
I have them pencilled in for next Tuesday.
My bad.
…
This Moment in Too Much Information has been brought to you by The Delahunt Centre for Bitching & Moaning and The Uriah Meyer Foundation for Things That Suck.
And Viewers Like You.
Today, I will not kill people.
Killing people is not even pencilled in my day-planner for the day.
And WHY won’t I kill people today? Because I have WILLPOWER.
And no desire to be the charming yet doomed villain of an obscure Jacobian revenge tragedy.
So…
No killing.
Not even one person.
Nope.
There will be nary a lifeless corpse in my immediate future.
This I do declare.
I will write my memoirs in later years, and when I get to the point that I need to recall the events of this date, I will begin by stating that “no killing occurred on this date”. It will not be the most interesting passage of my memoirs, but it is something I can predict with certainty.
ME + THE KILLING OF PEOPLE = NOT TODAY
…
However…
This will ALL be made easier if people would leave me the fuck alone.
I’m just saying.
…
Yeah. That kind of day.
Send cookies.
Does anyone else feel their soul die a little when they see the Wendy’s commercial with “Blister in the Sun” in the background?
Am I the only one?
‘Cause it makes me feel dirty inside.
