archive for the 'hmmm...' category

borneo factoid

You can be quite certain that it’s really freaking hot when you are in a restaurant for an hour and you are quietly muttering to yourself, “Turn on the air conditioning… turn on the air conditioning… turn on the air conditioning…” and then you go outside and you discover that, yes — the air conditioning was on.

My brain? She has melted.

should i take offence?

On a road trip for work today, in a different city.

And I have a question.

Is it wrong to feel slightly offended when your ability to successfully utilize instructions to the coffee shop fails and you are forced to return to the Giver Of Instructions for a second attempt?

And prior to elaborating on the instructions, the Giver Of Instructions ever-so-slightly scolds you for not being able to follow such a simple set of directions?

As if she were gently — oh, so gently — rubbing your nose in the poop you left on her nice clean floor?

And once the Giver Of Instructions begins to break the instructions down further — using one syllable words, expansive gestures, and a whole lot of volume (like a tourist in a foreign land) — I realise something?

That when she said “Go down the stairs and there you are”, she didn’t actually mean “Go down the stairs and there you are!“?

Instead, she honestly believed that it should have been obvious — even to me and my little brown-stained snout — that “Go down the stairs and there you are” actually meant “Go down the hall, take the unmarked door, walk forty feet down a hallway, enter an open atrium, go the stairs hidden behind the plants at the back of the atrium (not those plants — THOSE plants), go down the stairs, discover you are in a second subterranean atrium, walk through the scrum of people, look for the unmarked white wooden dividers — unmarked white wooden dividers that TOTALLY AND UTTERLY HIDE THE COFFEE SHOP FROM THE SIGHT OF BOTH MAN AND BEAST — and then look behind them and there you are!“?

Is it wrong?

I’m not saying that I’m going to take her children and then cook them in a pie and then feed her the pie and then tell her what was in the pie and then watch her regret eating the pie or anything like that.

I’m just saying — when I leave today, I ain’t putting my chairs back.

It’s how I roll.

disconcerting the inlaws

Over the holidays, I found myself in a conversation with My Lovely Wife and her parents about our dreams.

I got a few odd looks when I announced that the single most common recurring theme in my dreams was overly-elaborate underground shopping malls.

Am I the only one?

x-mas musing

Is it just me or is there nothing like the taste of eggnog to ram your consciousness head first into the holiday spirit?

It was non-alcoholic eggnog, so it must be true.

laser

I have the focus of a laser lately.

One of these cheap little laser pointers for entertaining cats with or for practicing your dickwadery with from the back of a movie theatre.

Sharp. Single minded. Low wattage.

And my cats smell like hot and sour soup.

Why do I get the feeling that Winston Churchill never felt like this?