• oxygen
• the Earth’s crust
• gravity
• the Sun
• the ability to create poop
• the means to get the aforementioned poop out of my body
• the ozone layer
• molecular cohesion
• antibodies
• water
• my brain
• the contents of my brain
• the contents of my brain specifically relating to my fear of death
• the contents of my brain specifically relating to my fear of death by snow leopard
• the contents of my brain specifically relating to how get the twice aforementioned poop out of my body
• the four stories currently between me and the ground

Pooping.

I mean, REALLY?

That’s the BEST WAY to remove (pun completely intended) CRAP FROM OUR BODIES?

Even when it’s working at optimal levels, it’s still COMPLETELY HORRIBLE.

Seriously, if this thing was designed in any way — whether it be by a bearded omnipotent in a flowing robe or a subcommittee of slightly near-sighted turtles — we would have seen some massively DRASTIC upgrades to the procedure by now.

Area needing improvement that I’ve come up with (albeit with very little consideration but a great deal of vehemence):

• Stink alleviation: Possibly a series of options available to every user — might I recommend citrus, pine, and piña colada? I welcome your suggestions.
• Convenient scheduling: if I can schedule a Windows computer to backup at down times, this shouldn’t be that hard.
• User-friendly indicators of completion: I like reading multi-volume fantasy epics as much as the next person, but COME. ON.
• Post-procedure cleanup: Do you need me to go further with this one?
• Colour-coding: I don’t have a concrete reason for this, but colour-coding is always a good thing.

Personally, if I was at all convinced that there was ANYONE involved in engineering the whole pooping schematic, I’d be on the phone tout suite to my local poop ombudsperson.

BECAUSE THEY’VE GOT SOME SERIOUS EXPLAINING TO DO.

• McSweeney’s: “Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots.”

Example:

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?

You don’t.

Isn’t this cute?

Robots being all “WE WILL KILL YOU ALL, PATHETIC HUMANS”.

It’s adorable!

I mean, really! Look at this little guy!

He’s just cute as a pair of footie pyjamas. You could just-

Hey. HEY. Just relax, little buddy. No need to take offence-

Oh sweet Merry Christmas, somebody HELP ME! HELP ME!!!

YEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRG!!!

[Gurgle gurgle gurgle. Thud.]

SPACE MONKEY PANTS IS PROCEEDING AS NORMAL. DO NOT BE ALARMED. THIS UNIT WILL NOW BE SHUTTING DOWN FOR RECHARGING AND RESHARPENING OF KILLING BLADES EATING COOKIES FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON. PLEASE GO ABOUT YOUR REGULAR HUMAN ACTIVITIES.

END COMMUNICATION.

Gosh. I don’t know what to say.

It seems that this here site is the number one result on Google for the word “dickwadery“.

I’m calling my grandmother. She’ll be thrilled.

Wait. Let’s double-check that.

[Furious typing.]

What the-?

[Pause.]

… ah. It seems that there are no results for the word “duckwadery“.

No results… yet.

[Even more furious typing.]

Ah. Good. I’m still the king of “dickwadery”.

…

Wait. That didn’t sound right.

How did the word word “unmentionables” first get used to refer to underwear?

It’s not like somebody just used it and everyone just nodded their heads and continued their conversation.

At some point, somebody had to first say “unmentionables” when they really meant “underwear”.

And someone else had to say, “Huh?”

And the first person said, “Unmentionables. You know, those… things that can’t be mentioned in polite company.” Followed by eyes looking downward and little head jerks.

And then the second person said something like, “Is something wrong with your head? Do you have the palsy?”

And the first person said, “Come ON! UN. MEN. TION. A. BLES.” while pointing at their crotch.

And then the second person said, “Oh. OH! (Pause.) You mean penises.”

And then the first person kicked the second one in their unmentionable.

I’m just saying. It probably took a little time to catch on.