archive for the 'idiots' category

burnam wood: robbin yr bankz

Police are looking for a man who attempted to disguise himself as a tree and rob a bank in Manchester, New Hampshire Saturday morning.

Police say the suspect used duct tape to attach tree branches onto his body as a form of camouflage. He then walked into the Citizens Bank on Elm Street and demanded money.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

He disguised himself as a tree.

But wait!

It gets better!

The tree robber was able to escape with an undisclosed amount of cash.

YES.

IT. WORKED.

[Brain juice leaks out of ears.]

Seriously though, his choice of camouflage does need some work. Unless the bank was in the middle of Sherwood Forest.

Would it have been that hard to staple some deposit slips and ATM receipts to his body?

nobody can see me… nobody can see me…
Nobody can see me… nobody can see me…

UPDATE: Damn. They caught him.

But he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids and that darned dog!

im in yr bank, stealin yr dough

the experiment

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

Crow has suggested using “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required”.

Let the experiment begin…

HYPOTHESIS:

One square of toilet paper is sufficient in all but the most “pesky occasions”.

EXPERIMENT:

Whoops. There goes the call of nature. Well… time to employ a little scientific prowess. First, let’s be certain to have some reading material… check! We’re ready to go!

[Necessary clothing adjustments are made. Sits.]

[Pause.]

O SWEET JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT DID I EAT??? TANDOORI ROADKILL??? TURNONTHEFANTURNONTHEFAN!!! OHGODOHGODOHGOD… AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaa… UHN!

[Pause.]

Okay.

[Pause.]

I think we’re good.

[Pause.]

SOMEBODY PLEASE! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY! ISWEARIWILLNEVEREATAGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Pause.]

Well. That’s over with.

Time for some serious testing.

[Rips one square of toilet paper. Applies.]

AUGH! WHATTHEHELL??? THAT! DID! NOT! WORK!!! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! UNCL-

[Pause.]

Wait.

Breathe.

This was covered in the initial hypothesis.

How was it posed?…

Oh yes.

This must be a “pesky occasion”.

Well then. I know what to do.

[Rips three squares of toilet paper. Applies.]

OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO!!! THATDIDN’TWORKEITHER!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! DAMN YOU, SHERYL CROW! SOMEONE! HELP!!! I NEED HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

[Pause.]

Honeeeeeey?…

Can you get me- NO! NOT TOILET PAPER! I’m only allowed three squares AND I USED THOSE! I don’t know… ummmm… how about the New York Times?? Of course the Sunday Edition! THIS IS A CODE RED!! Will it be enough?? Um… I don’t know!! Something else… ummm… I know! Get me that polar bear! You know! The famous one!

YES!

KNUT!!!

Lot’s ‘o’ clean white surface area there…

CONCLUSION:

Sheryl Crow is an idiot.

BONUS CONCLUSION:

I have no personal boundaries.

KNUT!!!!
Hi, Knut!

asshat looks fetching on florida

I have documented evidence that many fine American readers were heartbroken at the recent example of Canada’s asshattery.

Well. I am happy to report that the asshat has left the country.

Florida called and had us courier it down.

A brief recap:

A 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl in Florida had themselves some of those sexual relations. With each other. As has been known to happen. And let’s be clear here — in Florida, it is LEGAL for teenagers to have sex with each other. Whether or not it’s smart, they are legally allowed to do it.

The two of them then decided to photograph those sexual relations. Yes, I think we can all agree that just possibly this was not the smartest of moves — Star Wars Kid anyone? Whatever. They took the pictures and then they sent the photos from her computer to his email account.

That’s it. A teenage couple had some of the sex with each other, took some naughty pictures of themselves, and then shared the photos WITH EACH OTHER. At no point did either of them express an interest in publishing the photos publicly.

Here’s where the Florida judicial system grabbed the asshat and pulled it firmly down over its ears:

Court records don’t say exactly what happened next — perhaps the parents wanted to end the relationship and raised the alarm — but somehow Florida police learned about the photos.

Amber and Jeremy were arrested. Each was charged with producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child. Based on the contents of his e-mail account, Jeremy was charged with an extra count of possession of child pornography.

And they were found guilty. OF FREAKING CHILD PORN.

And let’s underline the final point that tips the asshat to a nice jaunty angle:

THEY. WERE. TRIED. AS. ADULTS.

The legal acrobatics here are… what’s the word I’m looking for?

Oh yeah — asshatacular.

P.S. Reading this over, I realise that I added absolutely nothing to the dialogue that wasn’t said more succinctly over at Boing Boing.

But I did use the word “asshat” more. So we’re good.

refugee board puts on asshat

A Nicaraguan man facing deportation next week says the Immigration and Refugee Board denied him asylum in Canada because they didn’t believe he’s gay.

Alvaro Orozco, who has lived in Toronto for two years, based his refugee claim on fears of returning to his home country where sodomy is illegal. He says his family beat him because of his sexual orientation.

“My father told me, ‘If one of my sons became gay one day, I will kill him with my hands,’” said Orozco. “I was so scared. And that is why I escaped.”

Let’s recap:

Gay teenager escapes his country out of fear for his life. After finding sanctuary in churches in the U.S., he finally makes it to Canada.

Where he is told, “Sorry. We don’t believe you’re gay. Go home.”

And why don’t they believe?

Because, while he was living in the U.S. — and let us reiterate, living in the U.S. under the sanctuary of the Church — “he wasn’t sexually active”.

Urrrg.

Is it just barely possible that he was… I don’t know… trying to keep his sexual orientation on the down-low? From the people that were protecting him? People that aren’t regularly known to be fond of those that — how shall we put this? — enjoy fruit of the same flavour?

Then again… is it also just barely possible that he maybe wasn’t sexually active because he was a freaking TEENAGER?

(God knows, plenty of my teenage years were spent desperately willing to be sexually active. WITH NO SUCCESS WHATSOEVER.)

Basically, it comes down to the fact that if you ain’t getting some, your sexual orientation is suspect.

Be warned.

(And get busy.)

Beyond this incomprehensible clusterfuck of an excuse, I’m just trying to imagine what sort of testing procedures one would use in a case like this to “prove” someone was gay:

“Doug, can you go in there and — I don’t know — sashay around him a few times? Maybe hum some Streisand?”

[Pause.]

“Nothing? Well, ladies and gentlemen — our work here is done!”

Please allow me to repeat myself:

Asshats.

that which cannot be named

Stopping by Blockbuster to pick up a couple of movies. Movies in hand, I get in line to pay. A cashier calls me up to the register and off we go:

CASHIER: And did you find everything you were looking for today?

ME: Yup.

CASHIER: [Opening the DVD cases] So we have “Brick” and the movie that we are not allowed to say the title of.

ME: Yup… What?

CASHIER: We aren’t allowed to say the name of that movie.

ME: What?

SECOND CASHIER: Yup. Had to take down the poster and everything.

ME: You’re not allowed to say “Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story”?

FIRST CASHIER: Nope.

ME: Ahem… “Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story”.

[Anticipatory pause.]

FIRST CASHIER: Oh, YOU can shout it to the rooftops. We just can’t. Had a customer complain.

ME: That’s stupid.

SECOND CASHIER: Yup.

ME: Really stupid.

FIRST CASHIER: Yup.

ME: Wow.

[Pay for movies. Walk to exit. Pause. Turn around and face the store.]

ME: Tristram Shandy. [Pause.] A COCK and BULL Story.

[Pause. World does not end. Exit.]