• BBC NEWS: “Larry Craig toilet ‘tourist site’”

The Minneapolis airport toilet where US senator Larry Craig was arrested for allegedly soliciting gay sex is now attracting tourists, say airport staff.

Oh. My. God. Do people have no idea what it means to vacation? To escape their everyday life and slip the bounds of drudgery and the mundane? Are their souls so dead, their imaginations so bereft of wonder, their dreams so crushed beyond repair, that they will blindly clutch at the crudest of diversions, just to experience something, anything that can cut through the haze and fog of their numb existences, as if they were jabbing their tongue into the toothache of their souls to feel — O, to feel — anything at all?

I mean — REALLY?

MINNEAPOLIS???

[Shudder.]

…

My apologies to all Minneapolians.

…

Minneapolites?

Minneapolii?

Or is that plural of Minneapolis?

…

Imagine that — more than one Minneapolis.

…

[Shudder.]

• wbztv.com: “Man Robs NH Bank Disguised As Tree” (via Digg)

Police are looking for a man who attempted to disguise himself as a tree and rob a bank in Manchester, New Hampshire Saturday morning.

Police say the suspect used duct tape to attach tree branches onto his body as a form of camouflage. He then walked into the Citizens Bank on Elm Street and demanded money.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

He disguised himself as a tree.

But wait!

It gets better!

The tree robber was able to escape with an undisclosed amount of cash.

YES.

IT. WORKED.

[Brain juice leaks out of ears.]

Seriously though, his choice of camouflage does need some work. Unless the bank was in the middle of Sherwood Forest.

Would it have been that hard to staple some deposit slips and ATM receipts to his body?

Nobody can see me… nobody can see me…

…

UPDATE: Damn. They caught him.

But he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids and that darned dog!

• BBC NEWS: “Crow calls for limit on loo paper”

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

Crow has suggested using “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required”.

Let the experiment begin…

…

HYPOTHESIS:

One square of toilet paper is sufficient in all but the most “pesky occasions”.

…

EXPERIMENT:

Whoops. There goes the call of nature. Well… time to employ a little scientific prowess. First, let’s be certain to have some reading material… check! We’re ready to go!

[Necessary clothing adjustments are made. Sits.]

[Pause.]

O SWEET JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT DID I EAT??? TANDOORI ROADKILL??? TURNONTHEFANTURNONTHEFAN!!! OHGODOHGODOHGOD… AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaa… UHN!

[Pause.]

Okay.

[Pause.]

I think we’re good.

[Pause.]

SOMEBODY PLEASE! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY! ISWEARIWILLNEVEREATAGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Pause.]

Well. That’s over with.

Time for some serious testing.

[Rips one square of toilet paper. Applies.]

AUGH! WHATTHEHELL??? THAT! DID! NOT! WORK!!! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! UNCL-

[Pause.]

Wait.

Breathe.

This was covered in the initial hypothesis.

How was it posed?…

Oh yes.

This must be a “pesky occasion”.

Well then. I know what to do.

[Rips three squares of toilet paper. Applies.]

OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO!!! THATDIDN’TWORKEITHER!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! DAMN YOU, SHERYL CROW! SOMEONE! HELP!!! I NEED HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

[Pause.]

Honeeeeeey?…

Can you get me- NO! NOT TOILET PAPER! I’m only allowed three squares AND I USED THOSE! I don’t know… ummmm… how about the New York Times?? Of course the Sunday Edition! THIS IS A CODE RED!! Will it be enough?? Um… I don’t know!! Something else… ummm… I know! Get me that polar bear! You know! The famous one!

YES!

KNUT!!!

Lot’s ‘o’ clean white surface area there…

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CONCLUSION:

Sheryl Crow is an idiot.

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BONUS CONCLUSION:

I have no personal boundaries.

Hi, Knut!