“dude srsly. what up. u r lamez. COME BACK TO THE INTERNET.”

-Sweetney

Hellzapopping, my peeps. THE GUILT. I have THE GUILT.

For the past [rustle rustle rustle] too-freaking-long, I’ve being buzzing along, with this nagging, chronic ache in my belly. An ache that said, “Sommmmethinnnnng… izzzzzzzz… wroooooonnnnng.”

But you know what I said to that nagging, chronic ache?

“Yo! My homey! Chill! Everything is GROOVY. I’m just busy. All cylinders firing, know what I’m saying? I’ll get back on that horse [Cut to shot of bleached horse skeleton in the desert, single tumbleweed drifting by] soon enough. Cool. Your. Jets.”

Yes. I really said this. And then I punched that nagging, chronic ache in the arm. Like a drinking buddy. Or second cousin.

But things… As they say — THINGS HAVE COME TO A HEAD.

I HAVE THE GUILT.

DAMN YOU, GUILT! STOP EATING MY INSIDES!

YEEEEEEEEARGH! MY PROCRASTINATION! IT GNAWS AT ME! LIKE A SECOND COUSIN, HUNGRY FOR PIE!

…

Oh. By the bye, it is My Lovely Wife’s birthday today. Shout-outs are appreciated.

As is, as always… pie.

Finding Nemo is a lie.

Oh yeah, they look all cute when you’re happily snorkeling.

There they are, peeking their little faces out from inside the anemone. Adorable!

And there they are, skittishly swimming partway up to see you. Awww! He’s curious!

And there they are, bashfully swimming away. He’s shy!

And there they are, screwing up their courage for a closer look. What a little trooper!

And there I am, distracted by the shiny blue fish that just raced by, so I turn around, and-

CHOMP!

The little bugger FRICKING BIT ME!

Over the course of two hours snorkeling, three clownfish bit me.

Lesson learned: clownfish are assholes.

[Photo credit: Mshai]

Thanks a lot, people.

You start an innocent game of Hide and Seek.

You find a great hiding spot.

And then you wait.

And then you wait some more.

And then you discover that your previous waiting was merely a prelude to the true waiting.

And then… you realise that NOBODY HAS TOLD YOU THE GAME WAS OVER.

THANKS A WHOLE FREAKING LOT, PEOPLE!

I was under that bed for TEN DAYS!

It didn’t cross any of your minds to possibly yell out “Olly olly oxen free”??

I’m really dusty and really REALLY hungry.

Stupid sore losers. Just because I’m the best-everer Hide-and-Seeker doesn’t mean you leave me out there to ROT!

I MISSED CHRISTMAS!

Everyone else got to have turkey and stuffing and Christmas cookies and presents and hugs and ham and I DIDN’T GET TO HAVE NOTHING!

NOTHING BUT THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I WON AND EVERYONE ELSE LOST! SUCKERS! YOU SUCK! I RULE! I AM THE BESTEST! YOU ALL CAN EAT MY-

[Furious whispering.]

What?

[Even more furious whispering.]

Oh.

[Pause.]

… Ahem.

It appears… that when one initiates a game of Hide And Seek… the first recommended action is to inform the other participants of the… existence… and… start of the game.

Heh.

My bad.

…

I still rule.

Sweetney, we got your back.

Stay strong. Stay tough. Kick their fucking ass.

A driver has been left stunned after returning to his parked car to find yellow lines painted underneath it and a ticket on the windscreen.

When Nasser Khan left his vehicle overnight in Chapel Street, Salford, he was certain he had parked in an unmarked stretch of the road.

So he was left bemused the next morning after discovering he had been handed a ticket for illegal parking.

But workmen had been captured on CCTV crouching underneath the car to paint in the gap, almost melting the tyres on Mr Khan’s car. A waiting parking warden then issued the ticket.

It’s times like these that I feel that the bitch-slap needs to be written into law as an approved judicial punishment.