Finding Nemo is a lie.

Oh yeah, they look all cute when you’re happily snorkeling.

There they are, peeking their little faces out from inside the anemone. Adorable!

And there they are, skittishly swimming partway up to see you. Awww! He’s curious!

And there they are, bashfully swimming away. He’s shy!

And there they are, screwing up their courage for a closer look. What a little trooper!

And there I am, distracted by the shiny blue fish that just raced by, so I turn around, and-

CHOMP!

The little bugger FRICKING BIT ME!

Over the course of two hours snorkeling, three clownfish bit me.

Lesson learned: clownfish are assholes.

[Photo credit: Mshai]

In lieu of a friggin Viking saga of my trip to Malaysia — because I suck I’m stuck in a mineshaft I’m really busy no really I’m stuck in a mineshaft please send help mineshaft is a funny word if you think about it what am I saying no one is going to send help they’ll just laugh ya friggin jerks I’ll just stick with I’m really busy I’ll just slowly starve in this mineshaft some curtains would brighten the place up though — I shall proceed to spend the next month regalling y’all with bite-sized chunks of what I learned in Malaysia.

Stay tuned.

Home safe.

Sick as a dog.

A really sick jet-lagged dog.

More later.

You will never ever EVER complain about drivers in your hometown when you attempt to perform the duties of a pedestrian in Malaysia.

Malaysian drivers will not stop for you. EVER.

We have crossed the street with a six year old, a three year old, and a baby, and they have not corrected their velocity one iota.

It adds a certain spice to life.

A spice called terror.

…

Must go. I have alcohol waiting for me.

…

Now that I think about it… the alcohol probably doesn’t help me as a pedestrian.

…

Tough.

You can be quite certain that it’s really freaking hot when you are in a restaurant for an hour and you are quietly muttering to yourself, “Turn on the air conditioning… turn on the air conditioning… turn on the air conditioning…” and then you go outside and you discover that, yes — the air conditioning was on.

My brain? She has melted.