Hey! I have a blog! Sweet! I can write on this whenever I want! Awesome!

[Off-stage whispering.]

What?

[Further off-stage whispering.]

I’ve had this for years?

[And again with the off-stage whispering.]

I neglect it horribly?

[This joke is getting old.]

Looking at it gives me acid reflux?

[Screw you. Write your own stage direction.]

Acid reflux OF SHAME?!

Well… poop on you, blog. POOP ON YOU. IT’S MY BLOG SO I WILL NEGLECT YOU WHENEVER I DAMN WELL oh that’s what acid reflux feels like. I had forgotten.

…

Anywho…

…

In honour of the new year — and because I have been commanded by my Twitter Overlass to do so — please allow me to celebrate all of our new kitten calendars by partaking in the SEVEN THINGS MEME.

Ahem. Let us begin.

seven things about me you didn’t ever need to know!

1. I didn’t have a name for my imaginary friend until one day my Dad said, “What’s your imaginary friend’s name?”

Stumped, I said, “Ummm… ‘Bleedy Blee’?”

From that point on, I imagined him as a smiling kid with blood streaming down his face. True story.

(Happy guy, Bleedy Blee. I miss him. Shame about the hemophilia.)

2. When I was 10, the local convenience store was selling jelly donuts for ten cents a piece.

I did not question their rationale. I had a dollar. You do the math.

I don’t eat jelly donuts now.

3. I once co-choreographed the climactic scene from Oedipus Rex to a piece from Stravinsky’s The Firebird.

Yeah… I was a bit of a douche in theatre school.

5. For about a year in junior high, I was obsessed with the comic Elfquest. You can imagine that did WONDERS for my social calendar. But if you wanted the skinny on the comings and goings of a tribe of Wolfriders descended from the pairing of an elf and a wolf, I WAS YOUR GUY!

6. The best article of clothing I have ever owned — HANDS DOWN — was a pair of swimming trunks with a leopard on the front. A MOTHERFUCKING LEOPARD.

Admit it. You respect me more as a man now.

7. My comedic taste can be traced directly to the following sources: Bloom County, Ambush Bug, the works of Christopher Durang, and every freaking thing Chuck Jones ever did.

Also, poop jokes.

—

Update: Holy Hell. Is anyone actually READING this thing? I JUST get word that I’m totally missing number 4 on my seven things about me you didn’t ever need to know! list?!

Slack, people. Real slack.

Ah. I kid, because I love.

Here goes:

4. I have this thing about trying to guess angles. I imagine that I have a magic Superball that — once set in motion — will fly perfectly straight and continue bouncing forever. And when I’m in rooms or hallways or vehicles I try and imagine at what angle I would have to throw the Superball that would have it bouncing the same route for eternity. Or how would I have to throw it at that wall to have it bounce out of that window in the shortest route? Or in the most convoluted route?

I have done this for DECADES. It’s just part of the background noise of my brain. Superball angles.

There. And now you know… the REST of the story.

1. Unexplained-Bruiseday
2. Poorly-Maintained-Zoosday
3. White-Suburban-Teenager-Singing-the-Bluesday
4. It-Hasn’t-Been-The-Same-Since-Steven-Burns-Left-Blues-Cluesday
5. Regret-Our-Poorly-Chosen-Tattoosday
6. Inappropriate-Leering-At-Ewesday
7. Let’s-All-Sort-Our-Shoesday
8. A-Smorgasbord-Of-West-African-Palace-Coupsday
9. The-Pus-It-Does-Oozeday
10. Scholarly-Discussion-Of-19th-Century-Hungarian-Taboosday
11. Unpleasant-Kangaroosday
12. Wednesday

Sigh. They can’t all be Caturday.

…

UPDATE: Speaking of Caturday… World Famous Random Kitten Generator!

• Jurgen Nation . Com: “Six Ways to Sunday: Or, a Meme Re Six Things About Me”

Oh… this meme doesn’t die. IT JUST WON’T DIE.

Last time I saw it, it was just a wee little meme, asking me to reveal a mere five little known things about me. I remember seeing it and thinking, “SO CUTE! Five things! That’s just freaking ADORABLE! Here ya go, ya little scamp. Now go and play. Ahhh… memes today.”

But now… it’s grown. Evolved. MUTATED.

Six things. SIX.

About me.

[Shudder.]

Fine then, Stacy. You asked for it…

SIX THINGS THAT YOU IN ALL LIKELIHOOD DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ME BUT DIDN’T MAKE AN APPRECIABLE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE BUT WILL NOW FILL YOUR BRAIN LIKE THE CRUD THAT WOULD COLLECT IN THE SEAMS OF YOUR JEANS’ POCKETS IF YOU WERE IN THE HABIT OF STORING MUFFINS IN YOUR JEANS’ POCKETS EVEN THOUGH THAT’S REALLY NOT ADVISABLE BUT NOW I REALLY WANT A MUFFIN

1. If I was stranded on a desert island and could only have one CD with me, I would take The Stones Roses first album. (However, I would eventually fashion it into some sort of crude fishing implement, because a CD on a desert island with no CD player? Awwwwwkward.)
2. I can actually tell which of our cats threw-up just by looking at the throw-up in question. It’s like really gross fingerprints.
3. I have a series of very faint scars on my right middle finger. From the time I stuck my hand in a blender. At the age of 23. Sober. (Don’t ask.)
4. It took me over a year before I realised that the “pod” in “podcast” referred to iPods. I thought it was an oblique reference to Invasion of The Body Snatchers. Really.
5. I once created a miniature cable car system off of our eleventh floor balcony. I took some kite string, tied it to the balcony, and dropped the rest down to the ground. Then I went downstairs, grabbed the string, carried it across the street, down the block, and tied it to a lamp post. Then I went back upstairs. There, I created a small cable car out of a plastic pop bottle (a little seat, wings, lightning bolts, that sort of thing). Then I untied the string on the balcony, threaded it through the bottle, and then retied it to the balcony. Then I tied a different piece of kite string (where did I get all the kite string?) to the end of the bottle. Then I put my teddy bear in the seat and tied him in place. Then I released the whole thing over the edge. Once it had finished sliding over the street and down the block and hit the lamp post, I grabbed on the second piece of string and slowly reeled it back in. And then I did it again. And again. And again. (Eventually, I discovered that a variety of adults were less than pleased with my creation.) I was seven years old.

   (That may have been the coolest thing I have ever done.)

6. I actually hate bean salad.

And now, in time-honoured tradition, I must inflict tag others with this meme.

I name: Mabel, lightspring, Suldog, aaaaaaaand… all my homeys over at Indiebloggers. Have at it.

Wow. Been a while since I’ve done one of these. But, I felt the compulsion some upon me like the hand ‘o’ God… and I’m too lazy to come up with new crap to write. Sue me.

Five Little Known Things About Me

1. I have every single issue of the comic book Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo-Crew.

Read into that what you will.

2. I once resolved to break the world record for largest number of paper airplanes made. (Let’s ignore the fact that I didn’t actually know how many I needed to break the record. Comprehensive I was not at the age of 7.) I made it to 32 before the lure of Lego drew me away from the endeavour.

3. In university, a classmate once admitted to me that she had a crush on me… until she saw my bare feet. (My Lovely Wife feels her pain.)

4. My favourite show when I was 5 was The Bionic Woman. But I was always really scared that Jamie was going to get hurt, so I would force my Dad to change the channel to Charlie’s Angels… because I didn’t care what the hell happened to them. (Stupid non-bionic women.)

And to this day, the original Fembots on The Bionic Women are the scariest things I’ve ever seen on TV*. (Which made the Fembots in Austin Powers more than a little troubling for me.)

* Tied with watching The Day After when it first came out. Ahhh… the deathly fear of nuclear annihilation… my old friend.

5. I have no adenoids, tonsils, prehensile tail, third (or fourth) nipple, or a single cavity. But I have one appendix, so I have THAT to look forward to.

Spread the meme forward, my honey-slathered readers… spread it forward.

Another day… another meme.

But this one’s got moxie. Seems Shane Nickerson found himself a picture. A mysterious picture. A mysterious picture of a hotel. And he’s trying to figure out where it’s from.

But, spiralling into the realm of unforeseen consequences, the esteemed Wil Wheaton suggested that he get people to write short stories (less than 300 words) inspired by the picture, so that even if they “can’t crack the mystery, we can invent one“.

So… here’s my story of the Mystery Hotel.

one… two… three

“… two hundred fifty-two… Two hundred fifty-three… Two hundred fifty-four…

“Pa?”

“… Yes, son?”

“How long we gotta stand here?”

“Until I get to five hundred.”

“Oh.”

“Two hundred fifty-five… two hundred fifty-six… two hundred fifty-seven… two hundred fifty-eight…”

“Pa?”

“… Yes?”

“My foot’s itching somethin’ awful.”

“You just ignore that itch there, boy. It’ll go away as long as you ignore it.”

“But it’s real bad.”

“Well, you just buck up there! It’s somethin’ you just gotta bear. Now you just leave me be here. I gotta finish this. Two hundred… fifty-nine… two hundred sixty. Two hundred sixty-one… Two hundred-”

“Pa!”

“Goddammit what is it?!”

“… I gotta go.”

“You’ll go when we’re done here.”

“No… I… gotta ‘go’…”

“Aw damn, boy! You just damn well hold it in! Quit it with all this whinin’ here!”

“But I really gotta-”

“So help me, if you don’t quit your bellyachin’ I swear I will whallop you both ways to Sunday when I’m done here!… Where was I?… Ah, dammit! I gotta start over.”

“Pa… maybe they won’t come back?”

“You willing to take that chance, boy?”

“…”

“I didn’t think so. One… two… three…”