Hey! I have a blog! Sweet! I can write on this whenever I want! Awesome!
[Further off-stage whispering.]
I’ve had this for years?
[And again with the off-stage whispering.]
I neglect it horribly?
[This joke is getting old.]
Looking at it gives me acid reflux?
[Screw you. Write your own stage direction.]
Acid reflux OF SHAME?!
Well… poop on you, blog. POOP ON YOU. IT’S MY BLOG SO I WILL NEGLECT YOU WHENEVER I DAMN WELL oh that’s what acid reflux feels like. I had forgotten.
In honour of the new year — and because I have been commanded by my Twitter Overlass to do so — please allow me to celebrate all of our new kitten calendars by partaking in the SEVEN THINGS MEME.
Ahem. Let us begin.
seven things about me you didn’t ever need to know!
1. I didn’t have a name for my imaginary friend until one day my Dad said, “What’s your imaginary friend’s name?”
Stumped, I said, “Ummm… ‘Bleedy Blee’?”
From that point on, I imagined him as a smiling kid with blood streaming down his face. True story.
(Happy guy, Bleedy Blee. I miss him. Shame about the hemophilia.)
2. When I was 10, the local convenience store was selling jelly donuts for ten cents a piece.
I did not question their rationale. I had a dollar. You do the math.
I don’t eat jelly donuts now.
3. I once co-choreographed the climactic scene from Oedipus Rex to a piece from Stravinsky’s The Firebird.
Yeah… I was a bit of a douche in theatre school.
5. For about a year in junior high, I was obsessed with the comic Elfquest. You can imagine that did WONDERS for my social calendar. But if you wanted the skinny on the comings and goings of a tribe of Wolfriders descended from the pairing of an elf and a wolf, I WAS YOUR GUY!
6. The best article of clothing I have ever owned — HANDS DOWN — was a pair of swimming trunks with a leopard on the front. A MOTHERFUCKING LEOPARD.
Admit it. You respect me more as a man now.
Also, poop jokes.
Update: Holy Hell. Is anyone actually READING this thing? I JUST get word that I’m totally missing number 4 on my seven things about me you didn’t ever need to know! list?!
Slack, people. Real slack.
Ah. I kid, because I love.
4. I have this thing about trying to guess angles. I imagine that I have a magic Superball that — once set in motion — will fly perfectly straight and continue bouncing forever. And when I’m in rooms or hallways or vehicles I try and imagine at what angle I would have to throw the Superball that would have it bouncing the same route for eternity. Or how would I have to throw it at that wall to have it bounce out of that window in the shortest route? Or in the most convoluted route?
I have done this for DECADES. It’s just part of the background noise of my brain. Superball angles.
There. And now you know… the REST of the story.