[Off-stage whispering.]

What?

[Further off-stage whispering.]

I’ve had this for years?

[And again with the off-stage whispering.]

I neglect it horribly?

[This joke is getting old.]

Looking at it gives me acid reflux?

[Screw you. Write your own stage direction.]

Acid reflux OF SHAME?!

Well… poop on you, blog. POOP ON YOU. IT’S MY BLOG SO I WILL NEGLECT YOU WHENEVER I DAMN WELL oh that’s what acid reflux feels like. I had forgotten.

…

Anywho…

…

In honour of the new year — and because I have been commanded by my Twitter Overlass to do so — please allow me to celebrate all of our new kitten calendars by partaking in the SEVEN THINGS MEME.

Ahem. Let us begin.

seven things about me you didn’t ever need to know!

1. I didn’t have a name for my imaginary friend until one day my Dad said, “What’s your imaginary friend’s name?”

Stumped, I said, “Ummm… ‘Bleedy Blee’?”

From that point on, I imagined him as a smiling kid with blood streaming down his face. True story.

(Happy guy, Bleedy Blee. I miss him. Shame about the hemophilia.)

2. When I was 10, the local convenience store was selling jelly donuts for ten cents a piece.

I did not question their rationale. I had a dollar. You do the math.

I don’t eat jelly donuts now.

3. I once co-choreographed the climactic scene from Oedipus Rex to a piece from Stravinsky’s The Firebird.

Yeah… I was a bit of a douche in theatre school.

5. For about a year in junior high, I was obsessed with the comic Elfquest. You can imagine that did WONDERS for my social calendar. But if you wanted the skinny on the comings and goings of a tribe of Wolfriders descended from the pairing of an elf and a wolf, I WAS YOUR GUY!

6. The best article of clothing I have ever owned — HANDS DOWN — was a pair of swimming trunks with a leopard on the front. A MOTHERFUCKING LEOPARD.

Admit it. You respect me more as a man now.

7. My comedic taste can be traced directly to the following sources: Bloom County, Ambush Bug, the works of Christopher Durang, and every freaking thing Chuck Jones ever did.

Also, poop jokes.

—

Update: Holy Hell. Is anyone actually READING this thing? I JUST get word that I’m totally missing number 4 on my seven things about me you didn’t ever need to know! list?!

Slack, people. Real slack.

Ah. I kid, because I love.

Here goes:

4. I have this thing about trying to guess angles. I imagine that I have a magic Superball that — once set in motion — will fly perfectly straight and continue bouncing forever. And when I’m in rooms or hallways or vehicles I try and imagine at what angle I would have to throw the Superball that would have it bouncing the same route for eternity. Or how would I have to throw it at that wall to have it bounce out of that window in the shortest route? Or in the most convoluted route?

I have done this for DECADES. It’s just part of the background noise of my brain. Superball angles.

There. And now you know… the REST of the story.

Sigh. They can’t all be Caturday.

…

UPDATE: Speaking of Caturday… World Famous Random Kitten Generator!

Oh… this meme doesn’t die. IT JUST WON’T DIE.

Last time I saw it, it was just a wee little meme, asking me to reveal a mere five little known things about me. I remember seeing it and thinking, “SO CUTE! Five things! That’s just freaking ADORABLE! Here ya go, ya little scamp. Now go and play. Ahhh… memes today.”

But now… it’s grown. Evolved. MUTATED.

Six things. SIX.

About me.

[Shudder.]

Fine then, Stacy. You asked for it…

SIX THINGS THAT YOU IN ALL LIKELIHOOD DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ME BUT DIDN’T MAKE AN APPRECIABLE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE BUT WILL NOW FILL YOUR BRAIN LIKE THE CRUD THAT WOULD COLLECT IN THE SEAMS OF YOUR JEANS’ POCKETS IF YOU WERE IN THE HABIT OF STORING MUFFINS IN YOUR JEANS’ POCKETS EVEN THOUGH THAT’S REALLY NOT ADVISABLE BUT NOW I REALLY WANT A MUFFIN

1. If I was stranded on a desert island and could only have one CD with me, I would take The Stones Roses first album. (However, I would eventually fashion it into some sort of crude fishing implement, because a CD on a desert island with no CD player? Awwwwwkward.)
2. I can actually tell which of our cats threw-up just by looking at the throw-up in question. It’s like really gross fingerprints.
3. I have a series of very faint scars on my right middle finger. From the time I stuck my hand in a blender. At the age of 23. Sober. (Don’t ask.)
4. It took me over a year before I realised that the “pod” in “podcast” referred to iPods. I thought it was an oblique reference to Invasion of The Body Snatchers. Really.
5. I once created a miniature cable car system off of our eleventh floor balcony. I took some kite string, tied it to the balcony, and dropped the rest down to the ground. Then I went downstairs, grabbed the string, carried it across the street, down the block, and tied it to a lamp post. Then I went back upstairs. There, I created a small cable car out of a plastic pop bottle (a little seat, wings, lightning bolts, that sort of thing). Then I untied the string on the balcony, threaded it through the bottle, and then retied it to the balcony. Then I tied a different piece of kite string (where did I get all the kite string?) to the end of the bottle. Then I put my teddy bear in the seat and tied him in place. Then I released the whole thing over the edge. Once it had finished sliding over the street and down the block and hit the lamp post, I grabbed on the second piece of string and slowly reeled it back in. And then I did it again. And again. And again. (Eventually, I discovered that a variety of adults were less than pleased with my creation.) I was seven years old.

   (That may have been the coolest thing I have ever done.)

6. I actually hate bean salad.

And now, in time-honoured tradition, I must inflict tag others with this meme.

I name: Mabel, lightspring, Suldog, aaaaaaaand… all my homeys over at Indiebloggers. Have at it.

Five Little Known Things About Me

1. I have every single issue of the comic book Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo-Crew.

Read into that what you will.

2. I once resolved to break the world record for largest number of paper airplanes made. (Let’s ignore the fact that I didn’t actually know how many I needed to break the record. Comprehensive I was not at the age of 7.) I made it to 32 before the lure of Lego drew me away from the endeavour.

3. In university, a classmate once admitted to me that she had a crush on me… until she saw my bare feet. (My Lovely Wife feels her pain.)

4. My favourite show when I was 5 was The Bionic Woman. But I was always really scared that Jamie was going to get hurt, so I would force my Dad to change the channel to Charlie’s Angels… because I didn’t care what the hell happened to them. (Stupid non-bionic women.)

And to this day, the original Fembots on The Bionic Women are the scariest things I’ve ever seen on TV*. (Which made the Fembots in Austin Powers more than a little troubling for me.)

* Tied with watching The Day After when it first came out. Ahhh… the deathly fear of nuclear annihilation… my old friend.

5. I have no adenoids, tonsils, prehensile tail, third (or fourth) nipple, or a single cavity. But I have one appendix, so I have THAT to look forward to.

Spread the meme forward, my honey-slathered readers… spread it forward.

Another day… another meme.

But this one’s got moxie. Seems Shane Nickerson found himself a picture. A mysterious picture. A mysterious picture of a hotel. And he’s trying to figure out where it’s from.

But, spiralling into the realm of unforeseen consequences, the esteemed Wil Wheaton suggested that he get people to write short stories (less than 300 words) inspired by the picture, so that even if they “can’t crack the mystery, we can invent one“.

So… here’s my story of the Mystery Hotel.

one… two… three

“… two hundred fifty-two… Two hundred fifty-three… Two hundred fifty-four…

“Pa?”

“… Yes, son?”

“How long we gotta stand here?”

“Until I get to five hundred.”

“Oh.”

“Two hundred fifty-five… two hundred fifty-six… two hundred fifty-seven… two hundred fifty-eight…”

“Pa?”

“… Yes?”

“My foot’s itching somethin’ awful.”

“You just ignore that itch there, boy. It’ll go away as long as you ignore it.”

“But it’s real bad.”

“Well, you just buck up there! It’s somethin’ you just gotta bear. Now you just leave me be here. I gotta finish this. Two hundred… fifty-nine… two hundred sixty. Two hundred sixty-one… Two hundred-”

“Pa!”

“Goddammit what is it?!”

“… I gotta go.”

“You’ll go when we’re done here.”

“No… I… gotta ‘go’…”

“Aw damn, boy! You just damn well hold it in! Quit it with all this whinin’ here!”

“But I really gotta-”

“So help me, if you don’t quit your bellyachin’ I swear I will whallop you both ways to Sunday when I’m done here!… Where was I?… Ah, dammit! I gotta start over.”

“Pa… maybe they won’t come back?”

“You willing to take that chance, boy?”

“…”

“I didn’t think so. One… two… three…”

You tired of it by now? Yeah. Me too.

(In fact, in reviewing many of the recent posts… I think I’m going a little stir-crazy. But then again, we’re just talking matters of degrees here.)

But… it seems only fitting that we approach the end of this experiment with one more Ubiquitous Blog Meme, inflicted upon me sent from the lovely and talented mikestand.

A Memememememe of Threethreethree!

3 things you wish for (just for you)

1. Superpowers.
2. A spaceship.
3. A roast beef sandwich. (What? I’m hungry.)

3 things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!)

1. Eat a whole cheesecake. Naked. On a spaceship.
2. Eat a whole pecan pie. Naked. On a spaceship.
3. Eat a big steak. Naked. On a spaceship. (It seems I’m REALLY hungry.)

3 bad habits you have

1. Procrastination
2. …
3. …

3 insecurities you feel

1. Is something wrong?
2. Is it me?
3. Is it my feet?

3 talents/skills you wish you had

1. Singing.
2. Dancing.
3. Show-stopping.

3 things that you would do if you had more time

1. Chores. (Hell — the only way they are all getting done is if I suddenly get magical free meme time.)
2. Play videogames. (Everyone else seems to enjoy them so much. And Free Cell doesn’t count.)
3. Win the world record for the most paper-airplanes. (Don’t laugh — I tried this at the age of 8. I got bored after 32.)

3 things that bring you peace/relaxation

1. My Lovely Wife.
2. The Large One and The Small One.
3. Total and utter exhaustion.

3 things that spark your creativity

1. Lack of sleep.
2. Desperation.
3. Deep-seeded emotional issues.

And now… to pass it on with great fervour and determination to…

• Sarah!
• SassyK!
• Aaaaaand… David!

The torch has been passed. Get cracking, folks.

Oh no… a brand new meme… just been tagged… must… resist… the gravitational pull… too strong… must get word out… warn population… run while you … still can… someone please… tell My Lovely Wife… I love her… and to feed the cats… here gooooooooooooooes–

The Mike Stand’s Musical Mentorship Threeme!

Three albums you’re currently loving:

1. Arctic Monkeys, Whatever People Say That’s What I’m Not
2. M.I.A., Arular
3. LCD Soundsystem, LCD Soundsystem

Three albums that remind you of High School:

1. Fine Young Cannibals, The Raw And The Cooked
2. U2, The Joshua Tree
3. Living Color, Vivid

Three albums that remind you of College/University:

1. Nirvana, Nevermind
2. The Pogues, If I Should Fall from Grace With God
3. Sinead O’Connor, I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got

Three albums everyone should have in their collection:

1. The Stone Roses, The Stone Roses
2. The Clash, London Calling
3. Crowded House, Together Alone

Three great albums you’d recommend to a friend:

1. Matthew Sweet, In Reverse
2. Yo La Tengo, I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One
3. The Decemberists, Picaresque

Three great albums recommended to you:

1. Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
2. The Hold Steady, Separation Sunday
3. The National, Alligator

Last three albums you added to your collection:

1. The Libertines, The Libertines
2. Bell & Sebastian, Tigermilk
3. Michael Penn, Mr. Hollywood Jr.

Three albums you “rediscovered” from your past:

Actually, lately I’ve been too busy listening to new music to rediscover anything… mainly because all the music from my past is on freaking cassette tapes. Sheesh. God bless obsolete tech.

Three artists/bands from your country that you think are / were great:

1. Sloan
2. The New Pornographers
3. k-os

Three artists/bands from another country that you think are great:

1. Arctic Monkeys (UK)
2. The Pixies (US)
3. Beautiful South (UK)

Three defunct or dead artists / bands you love:

1. The Police
2. The Jam
3. The Stone Roses

Three podcasts you listen to regularly (if you listen to podcasts or other downloadable shows):

1. iPod Nirvana
2. Zoe’s Radio Show
3. 3hive

Type of mp3 device(s) you currently own and use:

• Green 4GB iPod Mini

Favourite Accessories:

• The only accessory I have for it is a Griffin iTrip FM transmitter. So… I guess that makes it my favourite. By default.

Now… who to tag… who to tag… maybe Sarah… or Otto… or Barrie (who’s podcast I promise to listen to)… maybe David would enjoy it… or Mssrs. Gorjus & Fury… I can’t tag SassyK, ’cause Kulrblid alread did… which is usually my job … grumble… and I could only send out a soft tag to Jenny, ’cause memes scare her…

Better yet, if you read this, and want to to do it, go for it. Memes want to be free.

Go free, little meme… go free…

All valid reasons to jump on board another blog meme. (“Yippee!” say my readers! “We love Jason!” say my readers! “Stop putting words in our mouths!” say my readers.)

With great pomp, allow my to present… the MEME OF FOUR!

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

• Groundskeeper of a rooftop putting green
• 19th-Century Cannon Firer
• Bagel/Condiment Mediator
• Zany Clip-Art Finder

(Not actual job titles. Actual jobs though.)

Four movies you could watch over and over:

• Serenity
• Blade Runner
• Godfather
• Big Trouble in Little China

Four places you’ve lived:

The first four -

• Dartmouth, NS
• Yarmouth. NS
• Quebec City, QC
• Elliot Lake, ON

Four TV shows you love to watch:

Let’s subdivide this one.

Favourite CANCELLED shows:

• Firefly
• Buffy
• Angel
• Homicide: Life on the Street (greatest show ever)

Favourite current shows:

• Gilmore Girls
• Rome
• Deadwood
• 24

Four places you’ve been on vacation:

• Dominican Republic
• New Orleans
• Mexico
• Kejimkujik

Four websites you visit daily:

Just four?! Sigh.

• Boing Boing
• Lifehacker
• Dooce
• Digg

Four of your favorite foods:

Let’s make this comfort foods, for giggles.

• Potato patties with Tabasco
• White toast with butter
• Custard (minus the green food-colouring that my Dad prefers — don’t ask)
• Cookies (but of course!)

Four places you’d rather be:

• A spaceship.
• A treehouse.
• An all-you-can-eat restaurant.
• In my living room watching new episodes of Firefly.

And now, I pass this on to you… SassyK. And Kulrblind. And Jenny. And Messrs.Gorjus and Fury.

And, because she’s so sweet, to my sister who eats poo.

We’re gonna go “meta” on this fine Zombie Tuesday. You see, I was going to steal share Lazy Jenny McCopycat’s meme, where I create a paragraph using the first line of the first post of every month this year, but I seem to have been painfully boring on the first of every month this year. Excruciatingly so.

Instead, I decided to try it with the first line from every Zombie Tuesday post. Now that seemed a wee bit more interesting.

So allow me to present, the Year That Was In Zombie Tuesday:

You ever have a day that feels like a zombie day? What is it with Tuesdays and zombies? I’m sorry, I couldn’t pass this up. The threat of zombies loom large, dominating the local and national news broadcasts, but you say, “Man, I got plenty of time. Ain’t no way no zombie’s gonna get me.” Food for thought. For a little Flash zombie fun… that very quickly turns surprisingly nerve-wracking… try your hand at a little… Spent all yesterday pouring over mathematical induction, recursive relations, set theory, and other fun stuff like that. Yes! You shoot. Sorry for the lack of effort this morning. Crap. Three Zombie Tuesday haikus. From the journals of Field Marshall Jason Sweeney: “When all was said and done, it truly may have been the birthday cake that saved all our lives.” In this site’s ongoing efforts to ease the conflict betwixt humans and zombies (or Homo sapiens and Homo decomposians), on this fine Zombie Tuesday we wish to open the lines of communication. How have I not found this site before? You should click this link. The creepiest part about this whole thing? Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Seems you can’t step out your door nowadays without running into a zombie mob. This one’s goin’ out to my peeps. Wow. Last night, my dear sister politely requested that I send her the photographs that we snapped at her wedding. This may be… my last post… too sick… too many… peanut butter cups… can’t… stop… eating. I’m getting tired of this. Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I was still feeling blah. You know, I don’t know if this really qualifies as a “zombie” movie. This Zombie Tuesday is going out to Kulrblind, who said to me: “The zombie tuesday section of your blog? Only mildly amusing for me.” I was planning on presenting a striking array of Christmas-themed zombies, just to show you that I also am capable of getting into the spirit of the season.

Looking at it all like that… all I can think of is that I really want a peanut butter cup.