Well, I have taken your humble suggestions, dumped them in a box, and with a Ragnarok-threatening SHAKE-SHAKE-SHAKE!… we are ready to roll!

WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME, BEETCHES!

Let the voting begin!

[poll=2]

Pssst! Don’t like any of these options? Leave yers in the comments!

Neglected you may be, but duty calls, my pearl-extruding readers.

I present you with Exhibit A:

clicken to embiggen

Items of note:

• One nephew, resembling a 1920s speakeasy bouncer, sleeping
• One sock monkey, resembling a 1920s speakeasy sock monkey, sleeping (with eyes open, like some sort of freaky wizard)

All in all, rather similar.

However, the sock monkey is lacking in one single regard — IT HAS NO NAME!

My sisterwhoeatspoofortwo has asked me to not use my own singular talents to come up with the perfect name for the sock monkey.

No… she asks YOU for YOUR help.

In this, her hour of darkest need, you can do no less.

You… can do no less.

[Genuflects out of room.]

• Metro.co.uk: “It’s dove at first sight” (via Cute Overload)

Read the story.

Then be certain to mop up the remnants of your heart from the floor. It could leave a stain.

• Excite News: “Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom”

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

[...]

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

The thought processes of animals sometimes elude me.

Freedom! Sweet, glorious freedom! I feared this day would never come, but at last! My bondage has come to an end! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna and hallelujah!

First up, that bathroom is disgusting…

…

This was emailed to me by the esteemed Mike, with the subject line “Who loves ya, baby?”.

The answer is, obviously, him.

As I was warned by everyone’s favourite carcinogenic condiment, Radioactive Jam, today, December 14, is…

MONKEY DAY!

What does this mean for me, you ask?

[Pause.]

Um…

[More pausing.]

Errrr…

[Purely gratuitous pausing.]

… more cookies?

[Sound of one man listening for cries of dissent. No cries of dissent detected.]

Yes. More cookies it is.

So… here you go — monkey eating cookie.