I have a moustache.
(Somewhere at this moment, My Lovely Wife just threw up a little in her mouth.)
However, I do not simply have this moustache for the purpose of nauseating My Lovely Wife. Oh no. That is simply an added bonus.
This is a charity ’stache. For I am taking part in MOVEMBER.
What is Movember? Short answer: Guys grow moustaches in November. People sponsor their tonsorial glory. Money goes to Prostate Cancer Research Foundation of Canada. (Long answer: I’ll let them explain.)
So, this is my oh-so-late call out to you, my horde of humanitarianism, to open your wallets and BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ‘STACHE! FOR IT IS YOUR LORD AND MASTER! DESPAIR! DESPAIR!
[The vast multitude opens their wallets. Then run weeping into the badlands. Buzzards follow.]