• YouTube: “Stabbing at Leia’s 22nd Birthday” (NSFW language) (via linkbunnies)

God.

Jedis are such assholes.

We’re sitting down, watching CSI: Miami.

(Yes. We do watch it. It’s real purty to watch in high-def.)

The show is proceeding apace: extremely elaborate crime occurs, which is investigated by improbably pretty people, who use supernaturally rococo forensic processes (including absurdly mystical database searches) by which the criminal is brought to justice. (And I have yet again avoided making a drinking game out of Horatio putting on or taking off his sunglasses, because… well… I want to live.)

And it hits me. Reality? It has left the building. This show has shacked up in a rundown motel with James Bondian Fantasy.

That’s when I realised what the masterminds of the CSI franchise need to do next:

CSI: HOLLOWED-OUT VOLCANO

Follow me on this one…

When the Bond movie ends… and everything that is explodable has exploded… and everything that can be melted-to-slag with a solar-powered death-ray has been adequately melted-to-slag with a solar-powered death-ray… and the bodies of countless unitarded minions have finished twitching and oozing… some world-weary local cops and CSIs have to come in and sort through the mess.

I’D WATCH THAT SHOW.

“Yeah… some good samaritan called it in… according to the 911 tape… let’s see…” [flips through notebook] “‘the top of the mountain, it done “assploded”‘… no… they didn’t leave their name…”

“Damn! We need to fingerprint this whole lair? Even the shark pool? They better be ready to dish out on the overtime on this one…”

“My initial examination of the corpse revealed some very interesting bite marks… almost as if the attacker had metal teeth…”

“The tire treads look to be high-end… maybe Jaguar or Aston Martin… but I’m also seeing what looks like exhaust patterns for a missile launcher… we’ll have to see what the mass-spec says…”

“I found some odd trace in the wound… It’s a mixture of tempered steel — from a blade of some kind — and what looks like hat felt…”

“Stomach contents reveal no food, but a large quantity of vodka and vermouth…”

Aaaand… so on.

Admit it. That show would rule.

…

I tried to explain this idea to My Lovely Wife.

She didn’t really react.

I said, “Damn. I’m not explaining this well.”

She said, “Oh… you explained it just fine…”

Holy crap. That was a week. Three news items — BANG! BANG! BANG! — that set my geek heart a-flutter:

• FIRST! The Sci-Fi Channel announces that they will be creating a 6-hour miniseries (producers include George Freaking Clooney) of Neal Stephenson’s The Diamond Age: Or a Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer. (If I haven’t mentioned it before. Neal Stephenson is my FAVOURITE author and if you haven’t you should read his Cryptonomicon right now. Go. We’ll be here when you get back.)
• SECOND! HBO has announced they are going to be making George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire into a motherfrakking TELEVISION SERIES! Gah! One of the best (not to mention bloody, brutal, and morally ambiguous) fantasy series out there, coming to us from the network that gave us The Sopranos, Deadwood, and Rome. My geek-o-meter is CLIMBING INTO THE RED HERE, PEOPLE.
• THIRD! G-FORCE! THE MOVIE!

I can’t take it any more. My geek organ… it is burst.

All this AND a new episode of Battlestar Galactica this weekend?

I will say it.

IT’S BETTER THAN COOKIES.

Those moments when the stars of geekdom all seem to align in harmonious conjunction, when the elements add up to a pure geek gestalt that makes your skin tingle, your smile stretch to the back of your head, and you find yourself helplessly jumping up and down in your seat?

I call that a geek bomb.

Personal examples?

• In Pulp Fiction, when Butch picks up the baseball bat, then picks up the chainsaw, and then sees the purest of pure geek weapons — HOLY HELL, IT’S A FREAKING SAMURAI SWORD — hanging on the wall? Geek bomb.
• In Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the Nazis drive off with the Ark of the Covenant, and then Indy appears [insert Raiders theme here] chasing after them ON A FREAKING HORSE? Geek bomb. (Echoed later on by an equally powerful geek bomb when he appears on the deck of the submarine. Hoo-whee.)
• In Superman Returns, when Superman lifts THE ENTIRE FREAKING KRYPTO-CONTINENT into space, finally showing on screen the incredibly massive moving-planets-if-he-so-chooses strength that comic book fans know Superman has but have never gotten to see? Geek bomb.

I could go on in this vein FOR DAYS… but I do have a point.

Last night’s episode of Heroes.

Seen it?

If not, I will keep this spoiler-free.

Suffice it to say… I got ONE MOTHER OF A GEEK BOMB last night.

If you saw it, you probably know what I’m taking about.

My glee reservoirs? They are full.

…

Got your own personal geek bombs? Then delurk, my pollen-dusted readers… delurk!

On Clerks II:

“It’s got everything you could want in a movie — comedy… bestiality… a dance sequence!”

And then — I’m not making this up — she wiped away a tear.

Good movie.