archive for the 'news' category

verbiage: under the wire

Crap! Almost missed my deadline.

Well! Thank goodness I made it here in time!

You might have missed…

Ummm…

Errr…

uses of prosthetics in reptile thievery?

Quality material here, folks.

Quality.

burnam wood: robbin yr bankz

Police are looking for a man who attempted to disguise himself as a tree and rob a bank in Manchester, New Hampshire Saturday morning.

Police say the suspect used duct tape to attach tree branches onto his body as a form of camouflage. He then walked into the Citizens Bank on Elm Street and demanded money.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

He disguised himself as a tree.

But wait!

It gets better!

The tree robber was able to escape with an undisclosed amount of cash.

YES.

IT. WORKED.

[Brain juice leaks out of ears.]

Seriously though, his choice of camouflage does need some work. Unless the bank was in the middle of Sherwood Forest.

Would it have been that hard to staple some deposit slips and ATM receipts to his body?

nobody can see me… nobody can see me…
Nobody can see me… nobody can see me…

UPDATE: Damn. They caught him.

But he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids and that darned dog!

im in yr bank, stealin yr dough

canada: kicking herbivore ass since 1867

I’ve felt pretty free tossing the old asshat back and forth across the Canada/U.S. border lately.

However, I do believe we Canadians just earned the kick-asshat.

In Manitoba, a couple of Mounties were called in to help an animal in distress. Seems a deer got a coffee can stuck on its face and was running head-first into the local shrubbery.

Do the Mounties tranquilize the deer and calmly remove the coffee can?

Oh, honey… no.

Instead… one of the Mounties WRESTLED THE DEER TO THE GROUND.

Once the deer was pinned, they removed the coffee can, and then let the deer go.

Now… the deer is their bitch.

I think my testosterone just spiked. Urgh. Ow.

Well. I think we all know what this calls for…

(Wait for it…)

CHIPMUNK EATING A PEANUT!

chipmunk eating a peanut

What? You were expecting a deer? Pff. Amateur.

asshat looks fetching on florida

I have documented evidence that many fine American readers were heartbroken at the recent example of Canada’s asshattery.

Well. I am happy to report that the asshat has left the country.

Florida called and had us courier it down.

A brief recap:

A 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl in Florida had themselves some of those sexual relations. With each other. As has been known to happen. And let’s be clear here — in Florida, it is LEGAL for teenagers to have sex with each other. Whether or not it’s smart, they are legally allowed to do it.

The two of them then decided to photograph those sexual relations. Yes, I think we can all agree that just possibly this was not the smartest of moves — Star Wars Kid anyone? Whatever. They took the pictures and then they sent the photos from her computer to his email account.

That’s it. A teenage couple had some of the sex with each other, took some naughty pictures of themselves, and then shared the photos WITH EACH OTHER. At no point did either of them express an interest in publishing the photos publicly.

Here’s where the Florida judicial system grabbed the asshat and pulled it firmly down over its ears:

Court records don’t say exactly what happened next — perhaps the parents wanted to end the relationship and raised the alarm — but somehow Florida police learned about the photos.

Amber and Jeremy were arrested. Each was charged with producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child. Based on the contents of his e-mail account, Jeremy was charged with an extra count of possession of child pornography.

And they were found guilty. OF FREAKING CHILD PORN.

And let’s underline the final point that tips the asshat to a nice jaunty angle:

THEY. WERE. TRIED. AS. ADULTS.

The legal acrobatics here are… what’s the word I’m looking for?

Oh yeah — asshatacular.

P.S. Reading this over, I realise that I added absolutely nothing to the dialogue that wasn’t said more succinctly over at Boing Boing.

But I did use the word “asshat” more. So we’re good.

refugee board puts on asshat

A Nicaraguan man facing deportation next week says the Immigration and Refugee Board denied him asylum in Canada because they didn’t believe he’s gay.

Alvaro Orozco, who has lived in Toronto for two years, based his refugee claim on fears of returning to his home country where sodomy is illegal. He says his family beat him because of his sexual orientation.

“My father told me, ‘If one of my sons became gay one day, I will kill him with my hands,’” said Orozco. “I was so scared. And that is why I escaped.”

Let’s recap:

Gay teenager escapes his country out of fear for his life. After finding sanctuary in churches in the U.S., he finally makes it to Canada.

Where he is told, “Sorry. We don’t believe you’re gay. Go home.”

And why don’t they believe?

Because, while he was living in the U.S. — and let us reiterate, living in the U.S. under the sanctuary of the Church — “he wasn’t sexually active”.

Urrrg.

Is it just barely possible that he was… I don’t know… trying to keep his sexual orientation on the down-low? From the people that were protecting him? People that aren’t regularly known to be fond of those that — how shall we put this? — enjoy fruit of the same flavour?

Then again… is it also just barely possible that he maybe wasn’t sexually active because he was a freaking TEENAGER?

(God knows, plenty of my teenage years were spent desperately willing to be sexually active. WITH NO SUCCESS WHATSOEVER.)

Basically, it comes down to the fact that if you ain’t getting some, your sexual orientation is suspect.

Be warned.

(And get busy.)

Beyond this incomprehensible clusterfuck of an excuse, I’m just trying to imagine what sort of testing procedures one would use in a case like this to “prove” someone was gay:

“Doug, can you go in there and — I don’t know — sashay around him a few times? Maybe hum some Streisand?”

[Pause.]

“Nothing? Well, ladies and gentlemen — our work here is done!”

Please allow me to repeat myself:

Asshats.