Well! Thank goodness I made it here in time!

You might have missed…

Ummm…

Errr…

… uses of prosthetics in reptile thievery?

…

Quality material here, folks.

Quality.

Police are looking for a man who attempted to disguise himself as a tree and rob a bank in Manchester, New Hampshire Saturday morning.

Police say the suspect used duct tape to attach tree branches onto his body as a form of camouflage. He then walked into the Citizens Bank on Elm Street and demanded money.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

He disguised himself as a tree.

But wait!

It gets better!

The tree robber was able to escape with an undisclosed amount of cash.

YES.

IT. WORKED.

[Brain juice leaks out of ears.]

Seriously though, his choice of camouflage does need some work. Unless the bank was in the middle of Sherwood Forest.

Would it have been that hard to staple some deposit slips and ATM receipts to his body?

Nobody can see me… nobody can see me…

…

UPDATE: Damn. They caught him.

But he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids and that darned dog!

However, I do believe we Canadians just earned the kick-asshat.

• CBC News: “Mounties get their… can”

In Manitoba, a couple of Mounties were called in to help an animal in distress. Seems a deer got a coffee can stuck on its face and was running head-first into the local shrubbery.

Do the Mounties tranquilize the deer and calmly remove the coffee can?

Oh, honey… no.

Instead… one of the Mounties WRESTLED THE DEER TO THE GROUND.

Once the deer was pinned, they removed the coffee can, and then let the deer go.

Now… the deer is their bitch.

…

I think my testosterone just spiked. Urgh. Ow.

Well. I think we all know what this calls for…

(Wait for it…)

CHIPMUNK EATING A PEANUT!

What? You were expecting a deer? Pff. Amateur.

Well. I am happy to report that the asshat has left the country.

Florida called and had us courier it down.

• CNET News.com: “Police blotter: Teens prosecuted for racy photos” (via Boing Boing)

A brief recap:

A 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl in Florida had themselves some of those sexual relations. With each other. As has been known to happen. And let’s be clear here — in Florida, it is LEGAL for teenagers to have sex with each other. Whether or not it’s smart, they are legally allowed to do it.

The two of them then decided to photograph those sexual relations. Yes, I think we can all agree that just possibly this was not the smartest of moves — Star Wars Kid anyone? Whatever. They took the pictures and then they sent the photos from her computer to his email account.

That’s it. A teenage couple had some of the sex with each other, took some naughty pictures of themselves, and then shared the photos WITH EACH OTHER. At no point did either of them express an interest in publishing the photos publicly.

Here’s where the Florida judicial system grabbed the asshat and pulled it firmly down over its ears:

Court records don’t say exactly what happened next — perhaps the parents wanted to end the relationship and raised the alarm — but somehow Florida police learned about the photos.

Amber and Jeremy were arrested. Each was charged with producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child. Based on the contents of his e-mail account, Jeremy was charged with an extra count of possession of child pornography.

And they were found guilty. OF FREAKING CHILD PORN.

And let’s underline the final point that tips the asshat to a nice jaunty angle:

THEY. WERE. TRIED. AS. ADULTS.

The legal acrobatics here are… what’s the word I’m looking for?

Oh yeah — asshatacular.

…

P.S. Reading this over, I realise that I added absolutely nothing to the dialogue that wasn’t said more succinctly over at Boing Boing.

But I did use the word “asshat” more. So we’re good.

A Nicaraguan man facing deportation next week says the Immigration and Refugee Board denied him asylum in Canada because they didn’t believe he’s gay.

Alvaro Orozco, who has lived in Toronto for two years, based his refugee claim on fears of returning to his home country where sodomy is illegal. He says his family beat him because of his sexual orientation.

“My father told me, ‘If one of my sons became gay one day, I will kill him with my hands,’” said Orozco. “I was so scared. And that is why I escaped.”

Let’s recap:

Gay teenager escapes his country out of fear for his life. After finding sanctuary in churches in the U.S., he finally makes it to Canada.

Where he is told, “Sorry. We don’t believe you’re gay. Go home.”

And why don’t they believe?

Because, while he was living in the U.S. — and let us reiterate, living in the U.S. under the sanctuary of the Church — “he wasn’t sexually active”.

Urrrg.

Is it just barely possible that he was… I don’t know… trying to keep his sexual orientation on the down-low? From the people that were protecting him? People that aren’t regularly known to be fond of those that — how shall we put this? — enjoy fruit of the same flavour?

Then again… is it also just barely possible that he maybe wasn’t sexually active because he was a freaking TEENAGER?

(God knows, plenty of my teenage years were spent desperately willing to be sexually active. WITH NO SUCCESS WHATSOEVER.)

Basically, it comes down to the fact that if you ain’t getting some, your sexual orientation is suspect.

Be warned.

(And get busy.)

Beyond this incomprehensible clusterfuck of an excuse, I’m just trying to imagine what sort of testing procedures one would use in a case like this to “prove” someone was gay:

“Doug, can you go in there and — I don’t know — sashay around him a few times? Maybe hum some Streisand?”

[Pause.]

“Nothing? Well, ladies and gentlemen — our work here is done!”

Please allow me to repeat myself:

Asshats.

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

[...]

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

The thought processes of animals sometimes elude me.

Freedom! Sweet, glorious freedom! I feared this day would never come, but at last! My bondage has come to an end! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna and hallelujah!

First up, that bathroom is disgusting…

…

This was emailed to me by the esteemed Mike, with the subject line “Who loves ya, baby?”.

The answer is, obviously, him.

• Associated Press: “World’s Tallest Man Saves China Dolphins” (via CBC News)

The long arms of the world’s tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins’ stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.

Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s tallest living man.

You know, it may not be the superpower I would have picked, but this is pretty freaking awesome.

Dolphins are invited to send cookies and really big shoes in appreciation.

• PilotOnline.com: “Spilled Doritos chips wash up on Outer Banks” (via digg)

A cargo container that apparently fell from a ship washed up on the Outer Banks of North Carolina on Thursday and spilled thousands of bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips on the beach. People collected the chips, which were apparently still fresh due to their airtight packaging. It was unknown which ship had lost the cargo or to what port it was bound.

I thought seafood was supposed to be healthy?

(It seems to be the week for food on irregular surfaces.)

O… to return to those innocent, carefree days.

• SouthCoastToday.com: “Japanese unveil robot wine steward” (via Wired)

A “robot wine steward”? How innocuous!

Look at how the article lulls us into a false sense of security:

Researchers at NEC System Technologies and Mie University have designed a robot that can taste — an electromechanical sommelier able to identify dozens of different wines, cheeses and hors d’oeuvres.

“There are all kinds of robots out there doing many different things,” said Hideo Shimazu, director of the NEC System Technology Research Laboratory and a joint-leader of the robot project. “But we decided to focus on wine because that seemed like a real challenge.”

Last month, they unveiled the fruits of their two-year effort — a green-and-white prototype with eyes, a head that swivels and a mouth that lights up whenever the robot talks.

The “tasting” is done elsewhere, however.

At the end of the robot’s left arm is an infrared spectrometer. When objects are placed up against the sensor, the robot fires off a beam of infrared light. The reflected light is then analyzed in real time to determine the object’s chemical composition.

“All foods have a unique fingerprint,” Shimazu said. “The robot uses that data to identify what it is inspecting right there on the spot.”

When it has identified a wine, the robot speaks up in a childlike voice. It names the brand and adds a comment or two on the taste, such as whether it is a buttery chardonnay or a full-bodied shiraz, and what kind of foods might go well on the side.

Oh! How perfectly non-threatening! How completely disarming!

Heck! Let’s take a look at the little guy!

Look! He’s got a little chef’s hat! THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING EVER! Crank up the assembly lines! I want my robo-steward TODAY! ROBO-STEWARDS FOR EVERYONE!

[Sound of assembly lines being cranked up.]

Buuuuuuuuut… WAIT!

[Sound of assembly lines being cranked down.]

Read further, my hitherto complacent readers… read further…

When a reporter’s hand was placed against the robot’s taste sensor, it was identified as prosciutto. A cameraman was mistaken for bacon.

Yes.

That is correct.

TO ROBOTS… WE. TASTE. LIKE. BACON.

I shall now proceed to my underground bunker for the remainder of the day.

After a parent complained about the “sex, death and general mayhem” in newspapers, a suburban elementary school here decided to cut off students’ access to free copies provided by the St. Paul Pioneer Press.

…

The parent of a 7-year old sent the school an e-mail last week complaining that the newspaper is “not appropriate reading material for elementary-aged kids.”

Deerwood Elementary’s media director offered to not make the paper available to her child, but continue allowing other students ready access to the newspaper.

The parent rejected that, saying it “would silently endorse the kids reading them. It’s like leaving a loaded gun on the table.”

Forbidding her child “to take one will only make the paper a fascinating forbidden fruit,” the parent, who was not named, said in a message quoted by KARE-TV on Thursday. “We don’t want (child’s name) exposed to the sex, death and general mayhem that have become the standard fodder for newspapers and TV news. We are not just trying to protect our child but all the kids (child’s name) goes to school with and lives in the world with.”

The principal then blocked all students from having ready access to the newspapers. They are now left behind the counter, where they remain available to teachers and staff. Haugen said students can still see them, if they ask.

So… not only does this parent feel that their child should be crammed back into the womb to protect them, it seems they feel the need to jam everyone else’s kids back up there too.

Nice.

How much of a friggin’ unholy uproar would ensue if a parent tried to ban the freaking BIBLE from kids?

And that thing’s scary…