I have documented evidence that many fine American readers were heartbroken at the recent example of Canada’s asshattery.

Well. I am happy to report that the asshat has left the country.

Florida called and had us courier it down.

• CNET News.com: “Police blotter: Teens prosecuted for racy photos” (via Boing Boing)

A brief recap:

A 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl in Florida had themselves some of those sexual relations. With each other. As has been known to happen. And let’s be clear here — in Florida, it is LEGAL for teenagers to have sex with each other. Whether or not it’s smart, they are legally allowed to do it.

The two of them then decided to photograph those sexual relations. Yes, I think we can all agree that just possibly this was not the smartest of moves — Star Wars Kid anyone? Whatever. They took the pictures and then they sent the photos from her computer to his email account.

That’s it. A teenage couple had some of the sex with each other, took some naughty pictures of themselves, and then shared the photos WITH EACH OTHER. At no point did either of them express an interest in publishing the photos publicly.

Here’s where the Florida judicial system grabbed the asshat and pulled it firmly down over its ears:

Court records don’t say exactly what happened next — perhaps the parents wanted to end the relationship and raised the alarm — but somehow Florida police learned about the photos.

Amber and Jeremy were arrested. Each was charged with producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child. Based on the contents of his e-mail account, Jeremy was charged with an extra count of possession of child pornography.

And they were found guilty. OF FREAKING CHILD PORN.

And let’s underline the final point that tips the asshat to a nice jaunty angle:

THEY. WERE. TRIED. AS. ADULTS.

The legal acrobatics here are… what’s the word I’m looking for?

Oh yeah — asshatacular.

…

P.S. Reading this over, I realise that I added absolutely nothing to the dialogue that wasn’t said more succinctly over at Boing Boing.

But I did use the word “asshat” more. So we’re good.

• CBC News: “Refugee claimant who didn’t prove he’s gay denied asylum”

A Nicaraguan man facing deportation next week says the Immigration and Refugee Board denied him asylum in Canada because they didn’t believe he’s gay.

Alvaro Orozco, who has lived in Toronto for two years, based his refugee claim on fears of returning to his home country where sodomy is illegal. He says his family beat him because of his sexual orientation.

“My father told me, ‘If one of my sons became gay one day, I will kill him with my hands,’” said Orozco. “I was so scared. And that is why I escaped.”

Let’s recap:

Gay teenager escapes his country out of fear for his life. After finding sanctuary in churches in the U.S., he finally makes it to Canada.

Where he is told, “Sorry. We don’t believe you’re gay. Go home.”

And why don’t they believe?

Because, while he was living in the U.S. — and let us reiterate, living in the U.S. under the sanctuary of the Church — “he wasn’t sexually active”.

Urrrg.

Is it just barely possible that he was… I don’t know… trying to keep his sexual orientation on the down-low? From the people that were protecting him? People that aren’t regularly known to be fond of those that — how shall we put this? — enjoy fruit of the same flavour?

Then again… is it also just barely possible that he maybe wasn’t sexually active because he was a freaking TEENAGER?

(God knows, plenty of my teenage years were spent desperately willing to be sexually active. WITH NO SUCCESS WHATSOEVER.)

Basically, it comes down to the fact that if you ain’t getting some, your sexual orientation is suspect.

Be warned.

(And get busy.)

Beyond this incomprehensible clusterfuck of an excuse, I’m just trying to imagine what sort of testing procedures one would use in a case like this to “prove” someone was gay:

“Doug, can you go in there and — I don’t know — sashay around him a few times? Maybe hum some Streisand?”

[Pause.]

“Nothing? Well, ladies and gentlemen — our work here is done!”

Please allow me to repeat myself:

Asshats.

• Excite News: “Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom”

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

[...]

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

The thought processes of animals sometimes elude me.

Freedom! Sweet, glorious freedom! I feared this day would never come, but at last! My bondage has come to an end! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna and hallelujah!

First up, that bathroom is disgusting…

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This was emailed to me by the esteemed Mike, with the subject line “Who loves ya, baby?”.

The answer is, obviously, him.