• Excite News: “Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom”

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

[...]

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

The thought processes of animals sometimes elude me.

Freedom! Sweet, glorious freedom! I feared this day would never come, but at last! My bondage has come to an end! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna and hallelujah!

First up, that bathroom is disgusting…

…

This was emailed to me by the esteemed Mike, with the subject line “Who loves ya, baby?”.

The answer is, obviously, him.

• Associated Press: “World’s Tallest Man Saves China Dolphins” (via CBC News)

The long arms of the world’s tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins’ stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.

Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s tallest living man.

You know, it may not be the superpower I would have picked, but this is pretty freaking awesome.

Dolphins are invited to send cookies and really big shoes in appreciation.

• PilotOnline.com: “Spilled Doritos chips wash up on Outer Banks” (via digg)

A cargo container that apparently fell from a ship washed up on the Outer Banks of North Carolina on Thursday and spilled thousands of bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips on the beach. People collected the chips, which were apparently still fresh due to their airtight packaging. It was unknown which ship had lost the cargo or to what port it was bound.

I thought seafood was supposed to be healthy?

(It seems to be the week for food on irregular surfaces.)

Okay. So I may have been mildly unsettled by robots earlier in the week.

O… to return to those innocent, carefree days.

• SouthCoastToday.com: “Japanese unveil robot wine steward” (via Wired)

A “robot wine steward”? How innocuous!

Look at how the article lulls us into a false sense of security:

Researchers at NEC System Technologies and Mie University have designed a robot that can taste — an electromechanical sommelier able to identify dozens of different wines, cheeses and hors d’oeuvres.

“There are all kinds of robots out there doing many different things,” said Hideo Shimazu, director of the NEC System Technology Research Laboratory and a joint-leader of the robot project. “But we decided to focus on wine because that seemed like a real challenge.”

Last month, they unveiled the fruits of their two-year effort — a green-and-white prototype with eyes, a head that swivels and a mouth that lights up whenever the robot talks.

The “tasting” is done elsewhere, however.

At the end of the robot’s left arm is an infrared spectrometer. When objects are placed up against the sensor, the robot fires off a beam of infrared light. The reflected light is then analyzed in real time to determine the object’s chemical composition.

“All foods have a unique fingerprint,” Shimazu said. “The robot uses that data to identify what it is inspecting right there on the spot.”

When it has identified a wine, the robot speaks up in a childlike voice. It names the brand and adds a comment or two on the taste, such as whether it is a buttery chardonnay or a full-bodied shiraz, and what kind of foods might go well on the side.

Oh! How perfectly non-threatening! How completely disarming!

Heck! Let’s take a look at the little guy!

Look! He’s got a little chef’s hat! THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING EVER! Crank up the assembly lines! I want my robo-steward TODAY! ROBO-STEWARDS FOR EVERYONE!

[Sound of assembly lines being cranked up.]

Buuuuuuuuut… WAIT!

[Sound of assembly lines being cranked down.]

Read further, my hitherto complacent readers… read further…

When a reporter’s hand was placed against the robot’s taste sensor, it was identified as prosciutto. A cameraman was mistaken for bacon.

Yes.

That is correct.

TO ROBOTS… WE. TASTE. LIKE. BACON.

I shall now proceed to my underground bunker for the remainder of the day.

• Startribune.com: “Deerwood Elementary cuts off student access to newspapers” (via A Work in Progress)

After a parent complained about the “sex, death and general mayhem” in newspapers, a suburban elementary school here decided to cut off students’ access to free copies provided by the St. Paul Pioneer Press.

…

The parent of a 7-year old sent the school an e-mail last week complaining that the newspaper is “not appropriate reading material for elementary-aged kids.”

Deerwood Elementary’s media director offered to not make the paper available to her child, but continue allowing other students ready access to the newspaper.

The parent rejected that, saying it “would silently endorse the kids reading them. It’s like leaving a loaded gun on the table.”

Forbidding her child “to take one will only make the paper a fascinating forbidden fruit,” the parent, who was not named, said in a message quoted by KARE-TV on Thursday. “We don’t want (child’s name) exposed to the sex, death and general mayhem that have become the standard fodder for newspapers and TV news. We are not just trying to protect our child but all the kids (child’s name) goes to school with and lives in the world with.”

The principal then blocked all students from having ready access to the newspapers. They are now left behind the counter, where they remain available to teachers and staff. Haugen said students can still see them, if they ask.

So… not only does this parent feel that their child should be crammed back into the womb to protect them, it seems they feel the need to jam everyone else’s kids back up there too.

Nice.

How much of a friggin’ unholy uproar would ensue if a parent tried to ban the freaking BIBLE from kids?

And that thing’s scary…