Lesson learned: If you are in the World’s Largest Covered Bird Park, expect poop.

Pooping.

I mean, REALLY?

That’s the BEST WAY to remove (pun completely intended) CRAP FROM OUR BODIES?

Even when it’s working at optimal levels, it’s still COMPLETELY HORRIBLE.

Seriously, if this thing was designed in any way — whether it be by a bearded omnipotent in a flowing robe or a subcommittee of slightly near-sighted turtles — we would have seen some massively DRASTIC upgrades to the procedure by now.

Area needing improvement that I’ve come up with (albeit with very little consideration but a great deal of vehemence):

• Stink alleviation: Possibly a series of options available to every user — might I recommend citrus, pine, and piña colada? I welcome your suggestions.
• Convenient scheduling: if I can schedule a Windows computer to backup at down times, this shouldn’t be that hard.
• User-friendly indicators of completion: I like reading multi-volume fantasy epics as much as the next person, but COME. ON.
• Post-procedure cleanup: Do you need me to go further with this one?
• Colour-coding: I don’t have a concrete reason for this, but colour-coding is always a good thing.

Personally, if I was at all convinced that there was ANYONE involved in engineering the whole pooping schematic, I’d be on the phone tout suite to my local poop ombudsperson.

BECAUSE THEY’VE GOT SOME SERIOUS EXPLAINING TO DO.

• PoopReport.com: “Poop For Peace 2006″ (via Screenhead)

Poop is the one experience all human beings have in common. We may have varying ideas of God and politics, but the power of an impending poop is a higher calling to which every human must answer…

… Under the influence of Taco Bell, there is no Christian or Muslim or Jew. There are only human bodies, reacting to the complications of digestion in the same predictable and malodorous ways. Poop wields supreme power over our bodies — when poop calls, you answer, or you face the consequences. Poop is our cruel tyrant, our fickle deity, our omnipotent oppressor — it is a force to which every human being has no choice but to submit.

And recognizing this is the first step toward world peace.

Poop For Peace Day is not a day of protest. Pooping for peace is not a left-wing or right-wing activity. Pooping for peace is an act of unity. It’s not about religion or politics. Rather, it’s about the simple truth: underlying our religions and our politics are universal needs, wants and desires. To poop for peace is to transcend arbitrary divisions and embrace that which makes us human. Only from starting at such a fundamental truism can we hope to expand our understandings and solve our differences.

April 14. Mark your calendars, people. And eat your bran.

(And yes, I finally did make a poo category. God help us all.)