archive for the 'rant' category

verbiage: traffic

There may possibly need to be a small amount of civil planning done when a single accident — one single accident — stops traffic in a city cold.

And I don’t mean just the big streets.

All of them.

I was able to make it to My Lovely Wife’s office only an hour late because I stopped in my valiant yet vain attempt to drive straight to her by turning around, driving in the opposite direction, and then CIRCUMNAVIGATING THE ENTIRE CITY.

And this leads me to my real aggravation.

TO A HALIFAX RADIO STATION THAT SUCKS: It creates no sense of public goodwill to advertise that you have the most frequent traffic reports in the city if your traffic reports bear no relation to the actual state of traffic in the city other than the names of the streets. It’s like you’re playing Madlibs with our sanity. And the only words you have added are “flowing” and “moderately”. To every single blank. In pen.

Asshats.

today is the day to avoid killing people

Today, I will not kill people.

Killing people is not even pencilled in my day-planner for the day.

And WHY won’t I kill people today? Because I have WILLPOWER.

And no desire to be the charming yet doomed villain of an obscure Jacobian revenge tragedy.

So…

No killing.

Not even one person.

Nope.

There will be nary a lifeless corpse in my immediate future.

This I do declare.

I will write my memoirs in later years, and when I get to the point that I need to recall the events of this date, I will begin by stating that “no killing occurred on this date”. It will not be the most interesting passage of my memoirs, but it is something I can predict with certainty.

ME + THE KILLING OF PEOPLE = NOT TODAY

However…

This will ALL be made easier if people would leave me the fuck alone.

I’m just saying.

Yeah. That kind of day.

Send cookies.

escalatiquette

Much to everyone’s chagrin, we have now entered the holiday shopping season. Which means hordes and herds of people heading out in a mass panic to… THE MALL.

Which leads me to our topic for the day.

ESCALATORS.

Are we all familiar with them? Stairs that move? Good. Saves me drawing a diagram.

Let us first look at the word “Escalator”. What is the root of the word? Yes! You, in the back-row. Can you please speak up for the class?

That’s right.

The root of the word “escalator” is “ESCALATE”.

And what does the word escalate mean?

“To increase, enlarge, or intensify”

So, if we take that meaning, it would seem that the escalator, which is a mode of transportation whereby an individual or individuals can be conveyed from one floor to another, it seems logical that the escalator is meant to increase the speedin comparison to the use of stairs — at which one could travel from one floor to another.

Logical, no?

However, let us examine the two species of escalator users, which will illustrate that this intended purpose is by no means universally accepted:

MOVERS: These are those blurs of motion that you see dashing about on escalators. These are the individuals that are using the escalators to increase the speed at which they can move from one floor to another. They are dynamos of action. They are stepping onto the escalators and ACTUALLY WALKING. These are your Movers.

SHEEP: These are your standers, your slouchers, your herds of loungers. These are the individuals that see the escalator as a means of eliminating the need to walk. These are the individuals who feel nothing about wasting minutes, hours, even DAYS of their lives being shuttled from floor to floor. These are your Sheep.

Being a strong advocate of the Mover camp, I am nevertheless quite willing to allow that there is enough room in this wide world of ours to accept both tribes. I will not — though from time to time I have felt the urge to hand out literature extolling the virtues of moving your ass — deny fellow members of humanity the right to grow moss on the escalator if they so desire.

No.

But I do ask one favour — nay, I IMPLORE — those members of the Sheep faction to show myself and my fellow Movers the same courtesy and give me the freedom to pursue my goal of getting off the escalators in as brief a period of time as possible.

And how, you ask, can this be accomplished?

STAY ON THE MOTHER-FREAKING RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE ESCALATOR

That escalator you are standing on? Note how wide it is? Wide enough for two people side-by-side? Or maybe… just perhaps… just enough room for one person standing and FOR ONE PERSON THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY CHOOSE TO WALK?

“But wait!”, you ask? “I’m with my friend! We want to talk! Waa! Waa! Baby wants his bottle!”

Interestingly enough, I say to you, the escalator has a built-in feature designed to deal with JUST THIS SCENARIO!

Just follow these steps:

  1. Person A steps on the right-hand side of the escalator.
  2. Person B steps on the right-hand side of the escalator, directly behind Person A.
  3. The most crucial step — PERSON A TURNS AROUND!

Viola! Face-face-conversations may ensue! Here. Have a tissue. Dry your eyes.

So please, all members of the Sheep Nation, I invite you to go forth. Stand on your escalators. Chat with your friends. Revel in the pleasures of the steel grates at your feet.

Just remember… you are not alone.

And we are in MUCH BETTER SHAPE THAN YOU.

This is your only warning.

just get off the road dumb-ass

These rules make me happy.

Unfortunately, the likelihood of ugly butthead inbreds uninformed drivers actually implementing them is as likely as Fox not cancelling a tv show that I like.

I miss Firefly. And Millenium. And Dark Angel. And Wonderfalls.

Sigh. I hate Fox.

learn to walk, chuckleheads

What drives me mad, daily and without fail, in this lovely metropolis by the sea?

Freaking pedestrians.

I’ll throw this caveat in quickly as a defensive measure: I am not one of those drivers that ignore pedestrians or drives in a way that puts them in fear for their life. Far from it. I spent far too many years where my only means of transporting myself from point A to point B were by pedestrianing. (It’s now officially a word. Shut up.) Pedestrians have rights and should be given the right-of-way when they have the right-of-way.

However… in our fair city, a vast collection of yahoos seem to feel that the right-of-way means “everywhere we bloody well feel like it except in the middle of the highway, where we just might show a modicum of consideration. Might.”

The pedestrians here saunter. They perambulate. They freaking well mosey wherever and whenever they want. And do they look to see where they are going and what hulking gasoline-filled chunks of metal, plastic, and rubber are possibly hurtling toward them? Good god NO.

And why is this? Because the biggest problem is that the drivers in this city are enabling this behaviour. They stop, wily-nily, whenever someone decides to walk into the street to — I don’t know — look at something shiny. They stop because they expect to stop, because crappy-ass pedestrians in this city have, after so many years, trained them to stop.

Drivers in this town are sheep.

I spent seven years living in Toronto. God, now that was a town to be a pedestrian in. Not because you felt your life was in danger — I’m certain some out-of-towners probably felt that way, with the speed that everything went at. But by god, things moved in that city. Pedestrians had their rights, and they travelled with confidence. But they moved briskly. It was understood: “I have every right to cross this street right here, but my part of this social contract means that I won’t luxuriate myself in crossing. I’m gonna move with alacrity. Because while I have places to go, so does everyone else, and I ain’t gonna be the one that keeps other people from where they wanna go.”

That understanding is sorely lacking in this city. And it makes me grind my teeth in frustration.

But much to the delight of my dentist.

Notes:

1. This post was brought to you by the words “modicum”, “perambulate” and “alacrity”. They felt under-used recently and wanted to get off the bench. You have to oblige tenacity like that.

2. Because you were good and didn’t interrupt my rant, allow me to present an image from a Google Image search for the word “perambulate”:

perambulate

I think that says it all.