• BBC NEWS: “Crow calls for limit on loo paper”

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

Crow has suggested using “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required”.

Let the experiment begin…

…

HYPOTHESIS:

One square of toilet paper is sufficient in all but the most “pesky occasions”.

…

EXPERIMENT:

Whoops. There goes the call of nature. Well… time to employ a little scientific prowess. First, let’s be certain to have some reading material… check! We’re ready to go!

[Necessary clothing adjustments are made. Sits.]

[Pause.]

O SWEET JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT DID I EAT??? TANDOORI ROADKILL??? TURNONTHEFANTURNONTHEFAN!!! OHGODOHGODOHGOD… AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaa… UHN!

[Pause.]

Okay.

[Pause.]

I think we’re good.

[Pause.]

SOMEBODY PLEASE! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY! ISWEARIWILLNEVEREATAGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Pause.]

Well. That’s over with.

Time for some serious testing.

[Rips one square of toilet paper. Applies.]

AUGH! WHATTHEHELL??? THAT! DID! NOT! WORK!!! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! UNCL-

[Pause.]

Wait.

Breathe.

This was covered in the initial hypothesis.

How was it posed?…

Oh yes.

This must be a “pesky occasion”.

Well then. I know what to do.

[Rips three squares of toilet paper. Applies.]

OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO!!! THATDIDN’TWORKEITHER!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! DAMN YOU, SHERYL CROW! SOMEONE! HELP!!! I NEED HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

[Pause.]

Honeeeeeey?…

Can you get me- NO! NOT TOILET PAPER! I’m only allowed three squares AND I USED THOSE! I don’t know… ummmm… how about the New York Times?? Of course the Sunday Edition! THIS IS A CODE RED!! Will it be enough?? Um… I don’t know!! Something else… ummm… I know! Get me that polar bear! You know! The famous one!

YES!

KNUT!!!

Lot’s ‘o’ clean white surface area there…

…

CONCLUSION:

Sheryl Crow is an idiot.

…

BONUS CONCLUSION:

I have no personal boundaries.

Hi, Knut!

• physorg.com: “Chicken-Egg Question Cracked: The Egg Came First” (via digg)

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? According to a scientist, a philosopher and a chicken farmer, it was the egg, British newspapers reported Friday.

The key to the age-old question apparently lies in the fact that since genetic material does not change throughout an animal’s life, the first bird that evolved into a chicken must have initially existed as an embryo inside an egg.

Hmm. Well. That’s taken care of.

Anything else I do today is just going to seem anticlimactic after that.

• BBC NEWS: “Monkeys ’string words together’”

The first evidence monkeys can string “words” together to communicate in a similar way to humans, has been found.

Putty-nosed monkeys in West Africa share the human ability to combine different sounds to mean different things, according to researchers.

Yeah. Fine. Putty-nosed monkeys can talk.

But do they listen?

I mean, really listen.

Oh yeah, fine, so the putty-nosed monkey can form primitive sentences by ignoring “the usual relationship between an individual call and any meaning that it might convey under certain circumstances”. Well, la-dee-da.

But late at night, when life just seems so hard, and you need a shoulder to cry on and a friendly ear to pour your fears and insecurities into, will the putty-nosed monkey be there for you? Really there for you?

When you find out that your boyfriend has been seen at the movies with that blonde bimbo Angie from Marketing, the one that he said was “way too plastic” when you asked what he thought of her, and now he’s broken your heart into a million pieces and yet you still want to take him back, will the putty-nosed monkey hold your hand and tell you that you’re too good for him?

When your mother calls and tells you all about Sandra Ostler from down the street the one that used to wear the retainer who’s married now to a nice pediatrician and has a lovely little boy and are you still seeing that lovely Robert and why haven’t you come to visit, will the putty-nosed monkey show up at your door with a bottle of Pinot Noir and stay and listen to you bitch about your mother for the rest of the night? Will the Pinot Noir be any good? Or will the putty-nosed monkey just show up with a cheap Merlot and tell you that you have it easy because putty-nosed monkey’s mother was trampled by a rhino so you shouldn’t complain and can we just watch Grey’s Anatomy and try to have some fun?

Ladies and gentlemen, I say the jury is still out on that.

Putty-nosed monkey: Great talker, shitty listener