space monkey pants » sigh http://spacemonkeypants.com eating bananas in space for the good of mankind Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:26:15 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 best baby name ever http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/10/22/best-baby-name-ever/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/10/22/best-baby-name-ever/#comments Mon, 22 Oct 2007 17:54:38 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/10/22/best-baby-name-ever/ Damn.

Damn. Damn. DAMN.

I did it, you know? They said it couldn’t be done, but I did it.

After years of effort, I finally came up with the BEST BABY NAME EVER.

Really. It’s the best. It’s got verve. It’s got moxie. It’s got ZAZZ.

And just when I was basking triumphantly in the glory of my achievement…

Me: Ohmygod. I did it. I really did it. I came up with the BEST BABY NAME EVER.

My Lovely Wife: [Sigh.] What is it?

Me: You ready for this?

My Lovely Wife: Yes.

Me: REALLY ready for this?

My Lovely Wife: Yes.

Me: You sure? ‘Cause it’s AWESOME.

My Lovely Wife: Just tell me.

Me: [Imaginary drum roll.] “KA-POW!”.

My Lovely Wife:: “Ka-pow?”

Me: NO! No lower-case letters.“KA-POW!” All-caps! Exclamation point! Especially no question mark! Ha! Nobody questions “KA-POW!”.

My Lovely Wife: I see. [Pause. Deep breath.] No.

Me: “No” what?

My Lovely Wife: No. We will never name a child “KA-POW!”.

Me: But-

My Lovely Wife: No.

Me: How abou-

My Lovely Wife: No.

[Dejected pause.]

Me: Middle name?

My Lovely Wife: No.

Me: Come ON! Listen to it! “KA-POW! Sweeney”. It ROLLS off the tongue!

My Lovely Wife: No.

See? Thwarted.

…

GOD. It could have been AWESOME.

…

Bud-nipping postscript:

No. We are NOT “expecting”.

This is ALL theoretical.

Gotta cool that rumour down post-haste.

[Shifty eyes.]

]]> http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/10/22/best-baby-name-ever/feed/ 9 cutest. picture. ever. http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/09/13/cutest-picture-ever/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/09/13/cutest-picture-ever/#comments Thu, 13 Sep 2007 16:33:26 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/09/13/cutest-picture-ever/ monkey and pigeon, together at last

Read the story.

Then be certain to mop up the remnants of your heart from the floor. It could leave a stain.

]]> http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/09/13/cutest-picture-ever/feed/ 5 12 renamings of tuesday that failed as internet memes http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/23/12-renamings-of-tuesday-that-failed-as-internet-memes/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/23/12-renamings-of-tuesday-that-failed-as-internet-memes/#comments Fri, 23 Feb 2007 15:20:15 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/23/12-renamings-of-tuesday-that-failed-as-internet-memes/
  • Unexplained-Bruiseday
  • Poorly-Maintained-Zoosday
  • White-Suburban-Teenager-Singing-the-Bluesday
  • It-Hasn’t-Been-The-Same-Since-Steven-Burns-Left-Blues-Cluesday
  • Regret-Our-Poorly-Chosen-Tattoosday
  • Inappropriate-Leering-At-Ewesday
  • Let’s-All-Sort-Our-Shoesday
  • A-Smorgasbord-Of-West-African-Palace-Coupsday
  • The-Pus-It-Does-Oozeday
  • Scholarly-Discussion-Of-19th-Century-Hungarian-Taboosday
  • Unpleasant-Kangaroosday
  • Wednesday

    • Sigh. They can’t all be Caturday.

    …

    UPDATE: Speaking of Caturday… World Famous Random Kitten Generator!

    ]]>     http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/23/12-renamings-of-tuesday-that-failed-as-internet-memes/feed/ 5     quick question http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/20/quick-question/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/20/quick-question/#comments Tue, 20 Feb 2007 14:08:19 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/20/quick-question/ Does anyone else feel their soul die a little when they see the Wendy’s commercial with “Blister in the Sun” in the background?

    Am I the only one?

    ‘Cause it makes me feel dirty inside.

    ]]>     http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/20/quick-question/feed/ 15     a word of advice http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/14/a-word-of-advice/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/14/a-word-of-advice/#comments Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:36:48 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/14/a-word-of-advice/ If you plan on presenting Your Lovely Wife with a basket filled with dozens and dozens of hand-crafted origami roses, I heartily recommend that you determine your actual aptitude in the field of hand-crafting dozens and dozens of origami roses.

    Prior to 9:00 pm on the evening before Valentine’s Day is best.

    Otherwise, at 11:45 pm on the evening before Valentine’s Day, you might just find yourself downsizing your previous estimates.

    From dozens and dozens.

    To six.

    Heed me… I KNOW OF WHICH I SPEAK.

    ]]>     http://spacemonkeypants.com/2007/02/14/a-word-of-advice/feed/ 11     my hands are damp http://spacemonkeypants.com/2006/11/21/my-hands-are-damp/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2006/11/21/my-hands-are-damp/#comments Tue, 21 Nov 2006 19:38:06 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/?p=1266 How do you know that the Karma Gods are having a hearty chuckle at your expense?

    Follow these five simple steps:

    First: Have a pee.

    Second: Wash your hands. (With soap, thank you very much, Nosy Nellie.)

    Third: Reach over to the paper towel dispenser and give a genteel tug on the dangling paper towel.

    Fourth: Experience the solid thump of the entire paper towel dispenser ripping off the wall and landing in your hands.

    Fifth: Look down and appreciate the fine mist of tile dust coating your shoes.

    That distant murmur? That’s them.

    ]]>     http://spacemonkeypants.com/2006/11/21/my-hands-are-damp/feed/ 3     my clothes hate me and want me to suffer http://spacemonkeypants.com/2006/11/06/my-clothes-hate-me-and-want-me-to-suffer/ http://spacemonkeypants.com/2006/11/06/my-clothes-hate-me-and-want-me-to-suffer/#comments Mon, 06 Nov 2006 15:06:03 +0000 sween http://spacemonkeypants.com/?p=1241 Just when I had been making spectacular progress on learning to do up my fly, it seems I am being sabotaged from within.

    Or — shall we say — below.

    My zipper just died.

    Completely.

    And horribly.

    And utterly unrepairably* irreparably** unrepairably.

    I am now faced with a day at the office positively filled with walking along with papers held at waist height, sudden and unexpected tears, and a tiny jingly noise coming from an errant piece of metal directly in front of my nobbly bits.

    That’s it. I’m just gonna start wearing sweatpants.

    …

    * So it’s not a word. Get off my freaking back. My zipper just died. Jerk.

    ** I changed the spelling to “irreparably”. Some would say I “corrected” it. But it felt wrong. Dead. Empty. Cold. Clammy. Fish-scaly. The very soul of the sentence*** was gone. So I changed the spelling back. SOMEONE’S gotta make a stand. This… this is my line in the sand.

    *** OK. It’s not even really a sentence. But this is my site and I can call it a sentence if I want to. I mean — C’MON! MY ZIPPER IS BROKEN!

    TODAY, I GET LEEWAY!

    ]]>     http://spacemonkeypants.com/2006/11/06/my-clothes-hate-me-and-want-me-to-suffer/feed/ 10