archive for the 'toomuchinformation' category

rambling dispatches from the road

Well… I’m in the air as I write this. The screen in the back of the seat in front of me says we are currently over Saskatchewan, nearing the border with Alberta. I’ve been in the air for about five hours. I would like to say that I was productive for the whole five hours… but I slept for the first two hours and that felt better than getting to say I was productive would have. Nyah. Nothing like the pure unalloyed joy of sleeping in a airplane seat. Blissy.

Probably about the next two hours were spent training BBEdit to do text replacements the way that I want it to. And it agreed very nicely. And then made me a very nice latte with lots of foam. And rubbed my feet. Holy crap is it nice using software designed to be user-friendly and powerful. I do believe this trial period will end with me paying for a BBEdit License. Unless someone knows of a comparable Mac text editor with FTP capabilities and the ability to totally hack the keyboard shortcuts…

And the last hour was spent doing actual work. Yay.

I do feel like I’m working with about one arm, two fingers, and about 1/3 of my regular brain capacity. I NEED MY INTERNET! Damn damn damn damn damn… I’m crawling out of my skin up here… I can make it though. Landing in Calgary in about half an hour and then I have almost three ours in which to find a clean vein and shoot up some pure grade INTAWEB straight to my central nervous system.

Whoops. Seats up in the full upright and locked position. Gotta go…

Awwww CRAP.

Stupid Telus. Stupid stupid Telus.

I’m in Calgary and I have no internet.

I was willing to pay for internet access. I was ready to pay through my freaking NOSE.

But NOOOOoooOOOOoooo… Telus Hotspot Service is “temporarily unavailable”. Phaw. Telus service is a big dodohead an he likes to eat stinky poos. Really stinky poos. Like, when my sisterwhoeatspoofor two eats poo, the poos that come out of her. Poo MADE from poo. That stinky.

Crap.

Oh well. At least I get to recharge.

And drink coffee. Mmmmm… coffee.

Later. Still Calgary. (The Rockies! In the distance. Hi, Mountains!)

Telus is up now.

At $10.00 a freaking hour.

Considering that my flight is boarding in 2 minutes… my nose is less willing to be a conduit of payment than it was previously. So, I must wait until Vancouver to pay through the nose.

What is with the whole paying for Wifi in airports? Is it really that expensive for them? Is gouging us really that fun? (“Whee! Let us sing the Gouging Song! Gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge gouge goooooooooooooge… GOUGE! GOUGE! GOUGE! Lovely. Good job everyone. Gerald, a little less vibrato next time, thank you very much. This is a fight song, not The Barber of Seville. Don’t look at me like that, Gerald. Gerald. Gerald. Please don’t cry. Oh, Gerald.”) Just imagine how much happier people in airports could be if they didn’t have bullcrap Wifi fees rammed sideways up their poopchutes.

Heh. “Poopchutes”.

That’s it. I’m watching Battlestar Galactica on this leg of my journey. I can work later.

Well… it seems that Banana can’t suck up the juice too fast. I’ve got about 15 more minutes of juice until I can charge her up in Vancouver. Thus concludes my BSG watching extravaganza. Oh well,

One awesome thing: MOUNTAINS! MOUNTAINS! MOUNTAINS!

Please join me in a rousing chorus of “Woot!”

After gazing slack-jawed for a couple of minutes, I did have the presence of mind to grab my camera to take a picture of the Rockies from above… just as we hit the cloud cover. So. Sorry No photo.

I’m signing off again. For a bit. I got me some podcasts to listen too.

Getting hungry too. Mrph.

Vancouver. Fog. Cloud cover. No view. Expensive internet. Should I pay for it?… Nope. The end of the road is near. I’ll log in at the hotel.

Review: Harvey’s hamburgers suck.

Landed in Prince George. I’m in the complimentary shuttle that the conference has set up, waiting for the slowpokes to get their luggage stowed. It’s 4:40 local time. My body thinks it is 8:40. Supper is gonna be weird.

I want to get in my room. And eat. AND GET ONLINE. YAAARGH.

Nice side effect of the new keyboard — it making me unlearn my pounding keyboarding habits. Maybe I won’t wake up the neighbours anymore.

(Nice Banana. I love my Banana. I would never hurt my Banana.)

I’M HERE! I’M HERE! I’M HERE!

Especially if by “here” you are referring to the middle of nowhere.

And for the one person from Prince George that reads this in two years doing a search for “free banana poopchutes in Prince George”, I’m not saying that Prince George is in the middle of nowhere.

My hotel is in the middle of nowhere.

There’s a gas station across the street. And a Chinese restaurant. About half a mile down there are a few tractor dealerships.

Oh, and the hotel has a casino.

As I have on occasion offered to win a bear for My Lovely Wife at the fair and left having spent over $40.00… this could be a bad thing.

Whatever the case… I need sustenance. I’m signing out for now. Will report more later.

One more note. I tried to take a picture of the view from my hotel room, but my camera turned itself off in protest. Sorry. The view really is that boring.

verbiage: cropdusting (a haiku)

Clouds of death wrap me
In their malodorous arms
I think I have gas

What? Too much information?

the experiment

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

Crow has suggested using “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required”.

Let the experiment begin…

HYPOTHESIS:

One square of toilet paper is sufficient in all but the most “pesky occasions”.

EXPERIMENT:

Whoops. There goes the call of nature. Well… time to employ a little scientific prowess. First, let’s be certain to have some reading material… check! We’re ready to go!

[Necessary clothing adjustments are made. Sits.]

[Pause.]

O SWEET JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT DID I EAT??? TANDOORI ROADKILL??? TURNONTHEFANTURNONTHEFAN!!! OHGODOHGODOHGOD… AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaa… UHN!

[Pause.]

Okay.

[Pause.]

I think we’re good.

[Pause.]

SOMEBODY PLEASE! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY! ISWEARIWILLNEVEREATAGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Pause.]

Well. That’s over with.

Time for some serious testing.

[Rips one square of toilet paper. Applies.]

AUGH! WHATTHEHELL??? THAT! DID! NOT! WORK!!! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! UNCL-

[Pause.]

Wait.

Breathe.

This was covered in the initial hypothesis.

How was it posed?…

Oh yes.

This must be a “pesky occasion”.

Well then. I know what to do.

[Rips three squares of toilet paper. Applies.]

OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO!!! THATDIDN’TWORKEITHER!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! DAMN YOU, SHERYL CROW! SOMEONE! HELP!!! I NEED HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

[Pause.]

Honeeeeeey?…

Can you get me- NO! NOT TOILET PAPER! I’m only allowed three squares AND I USED THOSE! I don’t know… ummmm… how about the New York Times?? Of course the Sunday Edition! THIS IS A CODE RED!! Will it be enough?? Um… I don’t know!! Something else… ummm… I know! Get me that polar bear! You know! The famous one!

YES!

KNUT!!!

Lot’s ‘o’ clean white surface area there…

CONCLUSION:

Sheryl Crow is an idiot.

BONUS CONCLUSION:

I have no personal boundaries.

KNUT!!!!
Hi, Knut!