archive for the 'ultimate' category

the human body is weird

So, I am not a regular weigher-of-my-body. It’s not something I think to keep on top of. And when I do think about weighing myself, the fact that I get on My Lovely Wife’s case when she obsessively weighs herself makes me do it furtively and sheepishly.

So imagine my surprise when I came back from the Canadian Ultimate Championships last week, wondering how much weight I had lost in three days of intense physical activity, and discovered I was fifteen pounds OVER my usual weight. Not under. OVER.

Chagrin was my wingman.

So imagine my double surprise when I weighed myself this morning and discovered that the fifteen pound gain had TOTALLY vanished.

I guess the fact that I had swollen up from the heat and dehydration to German-sausage levels may have been a factor.

It was really stunning, like someone had injected Itchy Grossness© into my legs until I had barely enough mobility to walk. Dudes, my legs were shiny.

* Itchy Grossness© — New from Ronco!

Looking for the right blend of viscosity and lumpiness from your all-purpose goo? Then Itchy Grossness© is for you!

Itchy Grossness©
Goo… for the rest of you!

recompense

I’ve been slack, rude, and more than a little stinky to you.

And that’s just wrong, because out of all the visitors to this fair site, you are my favourite.

Yes, I’m talking to you.

No, not you — you.

Alas, I am struggling — heroically, I might add — to burrow through a mound of work before I head off on Monday for the fair city of Toronto and the 2007 Canadian Ultimate Championships!

Whoo! And a Hoo! Everybody dance now!

[Everyone dances.]

So, in recompense to my abominable behaviour to you, please allow me to offer you…

… a few of my newly-patented iHugs©!

[Pause for applause.]

They’re just like hugs, but shiny and white! And they have a touchscreen!

(Well, the touchscreen is my belly, but you can touch it if you really want to.)

Takers? Anyone?

[Expectant pause.]

returnitude

scotch in montreal

I have returned.

Actually, I returned a whole two days ago, but the universe conspired to proceed without me while I was on my vastly enjoyable sojourn in Montreal, so I’ve been playing catch-up. (Thanks a lot, Universe. Couldn’t take the weekend off while I was away, could you? No. That wouldn’t have been fair at all. Frigging jerk.)

To tide you over until I have grappled the Universe into a nigh unbreakable headlock (yeah — I’m looking at you, Universe… look upon my fists and despair, ya dumbass), please allow me to present you — my feta-cheese-dappled readers — with a brief factoid:

After driving for 11 hours, the funniest things in the world are (1) fruit-flavoured cigarillos, (2) satellite radio, and (3) pink and silver unicorns named “Porny”.

It’s a fact.

Believe me, I was as surprised as you.

* Photo totally stolen from Mike.

sloth and decadance beckons

Well… actually… not really.

More likely a vast amount of man sweat.

[Pause.]

Hmm.

That didn’t sound right.

Anyways…

I’ve been a wee busy little beaver this week, cleaning my plate of that tender morsel called “work”, hence that vast silence on the Space Monkey Pants front.

For the record:

No. I didn’t eat the spiders.

At least, not in vast quantities.

I can’t swear that a few didn’t make it down my shrieking maw as I cannonballed into the sea of madness that was cleaning them out of the freaking sun porch. Stupid buggers.

As for the man sweat, I’m heading off on a four-day weekend to Montreal tomorrow for an Ultimate tournament, accompanied by fan-favourite blogger Mike! Go! Click the link! He’s got a picture of me! Yay! Go me!

Two-day tournament. All guys. Loads of physical over-exertion. In Montreal. In summer.

Add it up and what do you get?

Man sweat.

So. Much. Man sweat.

[Shudder.]

So, I bid you a very fond adieu and wish you all the very best Canada Day weekend ever!

Celebrate our country! Eat a beaver for me!

[Pause.]

Wait. That really didn’t sound right…

five words i invented while lying face down in the grass after pulling my calf

  1. “damnabundlelickah”
  2. “fuhfuhfuhungh”
  3. “owowowowowowagada”
  4. “sississufahahahahahuhsunuvagabalager”
  5. “kunǃnk” [Note the postalveolar click]