archive for the 'vent' category

reboot

burn baby burn

Enough with this shit.

I’ve spent most of the last six months building quite an impressive fortress out of mental stumbling blocks, insecurities, and guilt. It was hugely impressive and made for some nice pictures and did fuck all to my self-worth and productivity.

This is me pouring oil over the whole shebang and lighting a match.

The wait is over.

Space Monkey Pants is back.

Boo-yah, motherfuckers.

drive better or we will judge you

A conversation with My Lovely Wife regarding the woman (who felt the need to put eleven car-lengths between her and the car in front of her) driving the red Chevy Cavalier (with the pink fuzzy dice and the license plate outlined with a charming barbed wire motif) in front of us on the bridge.

Me: You know what’s on her CD player, don’t you?

My Lovely Wife: What?

Me: TERRIBLE music. Maroon 5, Mariah Carey…

My Lovely Wife: I disagree.

Me: Really?

My Lovely Wife: Yes. She’s “New Country”.

Me: Wait! I know what she has on her CD player!

My Lovely Wife: What?

Me: Well, anyone that really knows her knows that she tells everyone that she likes “all kinds of music”.

My Lovely Wife: And?…

Me: So… she has Maroon 5, Mariah Carey, AND New Country.

My Lovely Wife: Ah. That sounds right.

My Lovely Wife and I — stereotyping Chevy Cavalier drivers so you don’t have to.

verbiage: thudding realisation

Was this month really the best time for me to decide that I was going to be posting everyday? Really?

The month that my work has gone plum loco intense in anticipation of me heading off next week to a conference (in BC! NORTHERN BC!)? And the month that I decided to take a week-long data conversion project and literally the minute I finished it discover that due to my beautifully undiscovered fuckup that every single record was wrong? The month that the amount of freelance work I do has amped up so much so that I needed to pony up for this oh-so-pretty MacBook Pro lying under my fingers so that I could actually get work done while away in BC meaning that the lovely Rockie Mountains will probably be free from my grubby paws for the majority of the trip? The month that my sisterwhoeatspoofortwo finally got over this whole pregnancy thing and actually birthed the wee Nugget mere weeks before my stunningly fabulous Nana finally went into the hospital for the operation that had been hanging over her head for the past handful of years and yes she’s doing great right now but she’s dealt with more crap than anybody should have to — English war bride and all — so anytime she’s not sitting pretty getting whatever she wants I worry?

(And that wasn’t even a sentence but now my battery’s about to kick out.)

And the month that fricking Heroes starts again?

Really? THIS WAS THE MONTH I PICKED??

I really do have some good stuff to write.

I’m just hunting for the time…

Please bear with me…

verbiage: urgent request

Busiest. Day. Ever.

I urgently require nourishment for my body and soul.

Perhaps a shipment of bunny rabbits and cheese danishes?

If this is not feasible, perhaps a danish in the shape of a bunny.

Or vice versa.

Stat. I’m fading fast.

(And CAPTION, dammit! And you can caption more than once, if the inspiration hits!)

verbiage: traffic

There may possibly need to be a small amount of civil planning done when a single accident — one single accident — stops traffic in a city cold.

And I don’t mean just the big streets.

All of them.

I was able to make it to My Lovely Wife’s office only an hour late because I stopped in my valiant yet vain attempt to drive straight to her by turning around, driving in the opposite direction, and then CIRCUMNAVIGATING THE ENTIRE CITY.

And this leads me to my real aggravation.

TO A HALIFAX RADIO STATION THAT SUCKS: It creates no sense of public goodwill to advertise that you have the most frequent traffic reports in the city if your traffic reports bear no relation to the actual state of traffic in the city other than the names of the streets. It’s like you’re playing Madlibs with our sanity. And the only words you have added are “flowing” and “moderately”. To every single blank. In pen.

Asshats.