archive for the 'vent' category

a line in the sand has been hurdled

the month of verbiage: you've been warned

That’s it.

THAT’S FREAKING IT!

I’ve had it with being a crappy blogger! I’ve had it with crappy little posts that basically say nothing more than “Waa waa waa I’m really busy waa waa waa here are some random excuses interspersed with poorly constructed stage directions that could never be staged in a million years and even if they could be staged by some futuristic theatre troupe made of robots and hyper-evolved marmots they JUST AIN’T FUNNY and I’m a horrible excuse for a human being but here’s another self-deprecating comment darnit aren’t I cute GAG please give me love waa waa waa and now I will proceed to disappear into the ether for another interminable length of time and unless I am being held captive in a yurt in Central Asia with an overly affectionate polecat THIS CANNOT GO ON!”

THUS…

I DO DECLARE SEPTEMBER TO BE THE MONTH OF VERBIAGE.

Words. Every day. From me. On this site.

I’m getting off my well-flattened ass.

You have been warned.

I have two days. Much loin-girding will take place.

[Eats protein bar. Chugs energy drink. Firebolts shoot from eyes. The heavens tremble. A couple of Greek gods and a handful of seraphim tumble to Earth. Most of them pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and head back. Dionysus, however, is spotted heading to the nearest Applebee's.]

(And Karen? I do so like you. Don’t you doubt it.)

cookieless

It’s been seven days since I’ve had a cookie.

It was Tuesday before I had noticed that I had gone so long without precious sustenance. At first it seemed sort of funny, in a “boy, this is sort of funny” kind of way.

But as the days drag on, the Funny-Ha-Ha Levels have dropped far below the Surgeon-General’s recommended minimum daily dosage.

Now… damn. I’m cruising on vapours.

But, without quite realising why, I have made a decision. Hell. I think we can call this a vow.

I will not just go out and get a cookie.

No.

I must wait for the cookie to come to me.

I am now in the hands of Fate, in the loving embrace of Chance, swinging in the hammock of Karma.

Destiny and I are taking a road trip and I just spilled orange pop all over the map.

Kismet and I just broke out of jail and are now on the run through the bayous of Louisiana, handcuffed together and bickering with each other every step of the way.

Sweet Lady Fortune and I have been IMing each other for a while and have finally decided to meet up for coffee but when we get to the coffee shop there seems to be some sort of open mike night going on and when I suggest that maybe we should try the Starbucks down the street she pulls me up on the stage and starts improvising some sort of spoken word piece about the indigenous tribes of Papua New Guinea and giving me significant jump right in any time now, chief looks and I’m furiously writing lines down on a napkin trying to come up with words that rhyme with “Bougainville”.

[Pause.]

Yeeeeeah.

Some cookies better show up pretty damn soon.

[Taps foot nervously. Twitches.]

#58 on the list of things that are designed horribly on the human body

Pimples inside the nostril.

I mean, really? Who the HELL thought that one up?!

I GOT NO ACCESS HERE, PEOPLE. Just fun fun nostril-pimple pain.

And something tells me that I shouldn’t expect the arrival of nostril-pimple elves in the foreseeable future.

[Pause.]

Oh. Wait. Here they are.

I have them pencilled in for next Tuesday.

My bad.

This Moment in Too Much Information has been brought to you by The Delahunt Centre for Bitching & Moaning and The Uriah Meyer Foundation for Things That Suck.

And Viewers Like You.

motherfrakking itunes

I drank the Kool-Aid.

For Christmas, Jason’s Dad bestowed upon his firstborn son boxed sets of the 1st and 2nd seasons of Battlestar Galactica. (Well, actually the 1st season and season 2.0… but I went out and got season 2.5 three days after Christmas. Yay me.)

I had been told it would rock. I was fully expecting it to rock. And guess what?

IT FRAKKING ROCKS!

(My Lovely Wife has also tasted of the Kool-Aid. Her standard reply when I ask if she wants to watch another episode? “I need to know what happens to my Starbuck!”)

But this post is not about how much BSG frakking rocks. Oh no.

At the moment, My Lovely Wife and I have 6 episodes left of the second season to watch and find ourselves at a critical juncture. Currently, one half of the 3rd season has aired on television and the second half of the 3rd season will start on January 21.

We need to see the first half of the season before the 21st so we can actually start to watch the show along with the rest of the world and I can stop reading the interweb without a constant ulcerating fear of BSG spoilers around every corner. EVEN ON MY OWN SITE. (Ugh.)

So, credit card in hand, I boogied over to iTunes to download season 3.

There I made an very interesting discovery.

Seeing as I reside in Canada, it seems I am not allowed to download from the U.S. iTunes Store. I can look at it all I want, nose pressed up against the plate-glass window. I’m just not allowed to give them my money and get a product from them in return. I guess they’re all scared of my Canadian cooties and run away like little crying babies. (No slight intended toward actual babies. Please don’t kill me, mommy bloggers.)

Instead, I am redirected to the Canadian iTunes Store.

WHICH! DOESN’T! HAVE! TELEVISION! SHOWS!

AUGH!

AUGH!

AUGH!

Boy.

I just wonder what I’m going to do now?

[Sound of dripping.]

Please excuse that viscous liquid pooling under your monitor. It’s just sarcasm. It’s biodegradable and should harmlessly evaporate.

It’s also nice on toast.

you all suck and i rule

Geez.

Thanks a lot, people.

You start an innocent game of Hide and Seek.

You find a great hiding spot.

And then you wait.

And then you wait some more.

And then you discover that your previous waiting was merely a prelude to the true waiting.

And then… you realise that NOBODY HAS TOLD YOU THE GAME WAS OVER.

THANKS A WHOLE FREAKING LOT, PEOPLE!

I was under that bed for TEN DAYS!

It didn’t cross any of your minds to possibly yell out “Olly olly oxen free”??

I’m really dusty and really REALLY hungry.

Stupid sore losers. Just because I’m the best-everer Hide-and-Seeker doesn’t mean you leave me out there to ROT!

I MISSED CHRISTMAS!

Everyone else got to have turkey and stuffing and Christmas cookies and presents and hugs and ham and I DIDN’T GET TO HAVE NOTHING!

NOTHING BUT THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I WON AND EVERYONE ELSE LOST! SUCKERS! YOU SUCK! I RULE! I AM THE BESTEST! YOU ALL CAN EAT MY-

[Furious whispering.]

What?

[Even more furious whispering.]

Oh.

[Pause.]

… Ahem.

It appears… that when one initiates a game of Hide And Seek… the first recommended action is to inform the other participants of the… existence… and… start of the game.

Heh.

My bad.

I still rule.