Well! Thank goodness I made it here in time!

You might have missed…

Ummm…

Errr…

… uses of prosthetics in reptile thievery?

…

Quality material here, folks.

Quality.

Example: “All eyeballs turn to wood”

Proof that I’m not alone on this wavelength.

This wavelength of awesome.

The Nosefrida.

For removal of snot from kids’ noses.

One end of tube — kid’s nostril. Other end — your mouth.

For real.

I’m mean, SERIOUSLY?? Does that kid not look like having her nose hoovered is, like, the most totally awesomest thing EVER?

[Begin imaginary scene in Jason's over-caffeinated brain.]

[Mother driving minivan. Kid in back seat, kicking driver's seat.]

Kid: MooOOoooom… JUICE BOX!

Mom: You can’t have a juice box.

Kid: But MooooOOoom… [Kick kick kick.] MooOOoooOOoom… COOKIE!

Mom: [Deep breath.] You can’t have a cookie.

Kid: MooOOOOooooOOOOOoooom… [Kick kick kick.] MoooOOOooooOOOOOooooooooo– [Runs out of air. Takes deep breath.] –oOOOooooOOOOoooOOMMMM! [Kick kick kick.] NOSEFRIDA!

Mom: SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP I WILL LEAVE YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND YOU CAN BE RAISED BY HOBOS OR RACCOONS I DON’T CARE ANY MORE YOU WILL HAVE YOUR NOSE SUCKED WHEN YOU GET HOME AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER.

[Silence. Kick kick kick.]

Kid: Hobos! [Pause.] HOBOS! Hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos hobos…

[End imaginary scene in Jason's over-caffeinated brain.]

That’s it. I’m naming my first kid “Nosefrida”¹.

…

¹ Subject to Lovely Wife approval².

² Which means never³.

³ Damn. I never get to name anything.

Bono and The Edge from U2 are to write music and lyrics for a Broadway musical based on comic book hero Spider-Man, according to film trade paper Variety.

Please allow me to repeat myself.

WTF???

…

BONUS WTF???:

Just to ram your head a wee bit further down the rabbit-hole:

• BLOOD PUDDLE PILLOWS (via linkbunnies)

Hey… you’re welcome. It’s what I’m here for.

• PilotOnline.com: “Spilled Doritos chips wash up on Outer Banks” (via digg)

A cargo container that apparently fell from a ship washed up on the Outer Banks of North Carolina on Thursday and spilled thousands of bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips on the beach. People collected the chips, which were apparently still fresh due to their airtight packaging. It was unknown which ship had lost the cargo or to what port it was bound.

I thought seafood was supposed to be healthy?

(It seems to be the week for food on irregular surfaces.)

• Babygadget: “The Babykeeper” (via Boing Boing)

Well… at least now I know that if my theoretical child does take after me, and THIS doesn’t work… I have options.

Seriously though, the makers of The Babykeeper are trying to be all innocent-like — “Oooooooh… it’s just for keeping babies safe and secure while you have a poo… we’re not evil… here, have some candy, little girl… heh heh heh…”

But really, we know what this means. We ALL know.

The Babykeeper is for ALWAYS.

Strap the kid up, slap it on the kitchen door, and BAM! you’re good to go. Make supper, watch TV, drink copiously — WHATEVER.

YOU. ARE. FREE.

Heck, you don’t even need to take the kid down for breastfeeding. Just stand up next to the door, whip open your shirt, and Bob’s your uncle.

Now you just need to get a door on wheels…

…

I’m so going to hell.

These are real names. That parents give their children.

On. Purpose.

Names like… “Jennyfivetina”. And “Pictorianna”. And “D’Loaf”. And “Kaltighanna”. And “LaNondus”. And “Zem Saxon”. And “Sancie D’Wan”. And “Desdedididawn”. And “Lovie Angel”. And “Hallah Lujah”. And “Rocksan Violin”. And “Marandastarr”…

(No more… Hard to breathe…)

I mean, really?

“Zestpoole”?

“Zestpoole”?!

I surrender.

[Collapses to the floor. A hand raises briefly, with a small warding gesture, then falls back, limp. Silence.]

• USATODAY.com: “Trout death probe points to teddy bear” (via Boing Boing)

A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths — trout deaths, that is.

State officials say a teddy bear that fell into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and suffocated the fish.

What I find most chilling is the fact that the bear is wearing a tiny raincoat and a tiny souwester… like he KNEW he was going to sea… like he knew he was going to kill.

*shudder*

• Yahoo! News: “Murder suspect: Goat turned into corpse” (via Boing Boing)

A Nigerian murder suspect accused of killing his brother with an axe told police investigators he actually attacked a goat, which was only later magically transformed into his sibling’s corpse, officials said Thursday.

Ah! The old “Goat Magically Tranformed into Sibling’s Corpse” Defence. Brilliant!

Of course, Nigerians seem to have an… “interesting” criminal history:

Murder suspects in Nigeria, where many people believe in black magic, sometimes claim spirits tricked them into killing. In 2001, eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander’s penis magically disappear.

Hey, I’m not making this crap up. I’m just sharing the mind-bogglitude.

(But really — what’s up with the goats?! I’m not trying here. They. Just. Won’t. Stop.)

• Whatever: “Clearly You People Thought I Was Kidding” (via mefi)

A koan:

A monk asked Zhaozhou, “Why is bacon taped to the cat?” Zhaozhou said, “Mu.”

…

(What? Too esoterrific?)