• Babygadget: “The Babykeeper” (via Boing Boing)

Well… at least now I know that if my theoretical child does take after me, and THIS doesn’t work… I have options.

Seriously though, the makers of The Babykeeper are trying to be all innocent-like — “Oooooooh… it’s just for keeping babies safe and secure while you have a poo… we’re not evil… here, have some candy, little girl… heh heh heh…”

But really, we know what this means. We ALL know.

The Babykeeper is for ALWAYS.

Strap the kid up, slap it on the kitchen door, and BAM! you’re good to go. Make supper, watch TV, drink copiously — WHATEVER.

YOU. ARE. FREE.

Heck, you don’t even need to take the kid down for breastfeeding. Just stand up next to the door, whip open your shirt, and Bob’s your uncle.

Now you just need to get a door on wheels…

…

I’m so going to hell.

• “The Cream of the Crop – Favorite Utah Names” (found at The Utah Baby Namer… after Dooce made me think to look)

These are real names. That parents give their children.

On. Purpose.

Names like… “Jennyfivetina”. And “Pictorianna”. And “D’Loaf”. And “Kaltighanna”. And “LaNondus”. And “Zem Saxon”. And “Sancie D’Wan”. And “Desdedididawn”. And “Lovie Angel”. And “Hallah Lujah”. And “Rocksan Violin”. And “Marandastarr”…

(No more… Hard to breathe…)

I mean, really?

“Zestpoole”?

“Zestpoole”?!

I surrender.

[Collapses to the floor. A hand raises briefly, with a small warding gesture, then falls back, limp. Silence.]

• USATODAY.com: “Trout death probe points to teddy bear” (via Boing Boing)

A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths — trout deaths, that is.

State officials say a teddy bear that fell into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and suffocated the fish.

What I find most chilling is the fact that the bear is wearing a tiny raincoat and a tiny souwester… like he KNEW he was going to sea… like he knew he was going to kill.

*shudder*

• Yahoo! News: “Murder suspect: Goat turned into corpse” (via Boing Boing)

A Nigerian murder suspect accused of killing his brother with an axe told police investigators he actually attacked a goat, which was only later magically transformed into his sibling’s corpse, officials said Thursday.

Ah! The old “Goat Magically Tranformed into Sibling’s Corpse” Defence. Brilliant!

Of course, Nigerians seem to have an… “interesting” criminal history:

Murder suspects in Nigeria, where many people believe in black magic, sometimes claim spirits tricked them into killing. In 2001, eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander’s penis magically disappear.

Hey, I’m not making this crap up. I’m just sharing the mind-bogglitude.

(But really — what’s up with the goats?! I’m not trying here. They. Just. Won’t. Stop.)

• Whatever: “Clearly You People Thought I Was Kidding” (via mefi)

A koan:

A monk asked Zhaozhou, “Why is bacon taped to the cat?” Zhaozhou said, “Mu.”

…

(What? Too esoterrific?)